Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2

Thanks, everyone.

It's hard to stomach, but I feel like I am doing the right thing. It's just a conflict because you live your life for the most part thinking that the "right" thing never hurts anyone.....particularly someone that you love. It is hard for me to not respond - but I am doing my best to stick to it.

I suppose I am just cringing inside because I know the moment is coming when I get accused of all sorts of things like using the baby, looking out for MY interests and not his...somehow I know in her eyes I will be the villain in all of this.

I know this process as a whole is not easy for her....she has said as much. But I think I have done too much to make it easier which seems to work against any hope of working on marriage - even after divorce. It hurts, you're right GM. It hurts like hell and there is a lot that you miss - a lot that just passes you by. It has already happened in these last several months. But I always have been flexible and accommodating in terms of helping her not miss the baby when I have him....at least I think so.

I keep flip-flopping between these moments where I think "good, let HER have the angst for awhile", vs. "how can you let her hurt like this?" - I go from bravado to sadness again and again.

Being the accommodating one got me nothing in this except being called manipulative and distrustful....how?! So I am trying a different track.

More than anything, I just hope that I get to feeling better. Right now, not so much - but many it will get easier over time.

Crimson

Man up. Sorry, but you need to hear this. Stop being her whipping boy. When the accusations start, walk away. That woman has no respect for you.

Yes, I think you need to do some 180s for a bit. Let her feel the consequences of her own choices.

Crimson, I hope you can get to a point where you can read your last post and see it differently. First of all, are you 'hurting' your wife, REALLY, or just not bending over backwards to make her feel happy? She is divorcing you, she is splitting up time with your son between you and herself, and you think your role is to make her feel happy all the time? Why do you think your role is to make her or everyone happy?

When your S grows up and feels unhappy if he doesn't have a BMW and a smartphone at 16, will you accommodate that too? Or will you 'hurt' him by saying no? You love him, right? So you'll make him happy all the time?

The moment when she accuses you of stuff, is what this board helpfully refers to as "spew." You know yourself. Stop listening to the spew.

The flip flopping you're doing, on both sides, is about you thinking you're doing something to make her feel happy or sad. She feels happy or sad because of things she thinks about what you're doing. You can't control her thoughts. You can't make them reasonable or what you would think.

You agreed on terms. The ink is still drying on them, perhaps you can be flexible later on but if for now you think it best to stick to the terms, then stick to the terms. Are you doing it to punish her? Or to protect your rights? Should it matter what she says about it to you?

Yeah, I hope you get to feeling better too. I'm sorry you're going through this. Hang in there.

Crimson,
I completely understand your feelings.

And it's hard.. and it will get harder if she gets accusatory and spits venom.

But having just come out on the other end... it's a necessary process.

I spent 5 months giving my wife tough love. It some ways, I hated every minute of it. I felt like a piece of sh!t.

And when she didn't respect the boundaries, I was given... I got angry with her and I tried to enforce them more...

.. Let's just say.. these were HUGE learning points for me.

However it taught me how to love and protect myself. That setting boundaries was what healthy people do and if I stuck to them long enough - she would come around.

I also really learned alot about who I wanted to be.

I think there was always a part of me that always acted kind or did loving actions because deep down - I was hoping it would bring my wife closer to me...

and when it didn't. I tried something else. I tried going dark and not speaking to her at all. And..well that didn't work either.

So after 5 months of hard boundaries, ignoring calls, thinking and protecting myself.. I finally learned something...

... it wasn't about what worked for her, it was what worked for ME.

So NOW my new actions are what works for me with no expectations of wife or reconc.

I am nice because I want to be. I am firm because I want/need to be. I respect her because that's how I want to treat her. I set boundaries because I am worthy of respecting.

See the pattern - the spotlight is on me.. not her.

I'm not saying that your w doesn't need to see what a D would look like and how she can't cake eat.

I'm not saying there isn't a thing or two she needs to learn should she chose a life w/o you...

...I'm saying it's not really your place to "teach" her. You can allow it to happen, but don't focus on it.

Actions can look the same - but the motives can be really different.

So let YOUR motives speak on YOUR character.

Make sense?

^^^Golden!

Excellent post - thanks, Val. I will read this a few times.

Well said, val.

Very nice post Val.

IMO this ^^^^ is the essence of db'ing. Well done & said Val!!