Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New to DB

Ah, I found your thread, Bustingout!

If you read my intro, you will notice that my W woke ME up from my apathetic behavior towards our R by dropping the bomb on me.

Years later, she, in turn, "woke up" and decided to pursue our R again after *I* dropped *my* final bombs on her (I'm divorcing you and won't be a part of your life at all anymore).

See the pattern? You will see it in every thread. If there is any love/attraction left in the R, he/she who cares least about the R will be the one that is pursued.

You need to get "ahead" of your WAS on the detachment curve. On the "not caring" about the R or seeing the other spouse curve. That is the essence of the LRT.

You do this by focusing on yourself and your kid. By not only agreeing to, but rather pursuing/initiating/leading/welcoming the separation of your lives. Jumpstarting your own separate existence.

By not begging him not to have an A or hoping he will stop his A. But rather by REJECTING a spouse that has an A on you. You're worth so much more than that Begin living that reality, and you will emerge victorious, whatever your WAS does.

By the way, even as you reject the spouse that is having an A on you, you need to come to a DEEP understanding of your role in the breakdown of your M. What behaviors of yours need to be addressed with 180s changes. You want to revise these no matter what, not in order to get your spouse back (that would be a nice side effect), but because it's the right thing to do for yourself and future relationships (with your WAS or someone else).

Also, the A is not justified even if you have not been the best spouse, don't blame yourself for it, your WAS could have talked to you about his unhappiness/issues rather than going outside the M.

what does it mean to do it alone? I THINK it means that you can envision yourself as a single mom for all intents and purposes, but that you are holding onto the idea of your h changing his mind and heart.

ALL I can suggest is that you modify that a little so that you don't stay stuck in a waiting game.

For one thing, it doesn't work. It slows the wayward spouse down b/c there is no rush since they know you are waiting...

and second, in the event he does not return, you'll have wasted time you could have spent on creating a new happier life without him (even if you don't date, I'm just saying that moving on to create a happier life FOR YOU and your kids, is appealing)

and finally, even if he did want to return, I believe change in you and the marriage are mandatory or you'll just end up here again. So you need to manage your life...

So work on YOU...

Just dropping my to say that you are getting some fantastic advice here!

There is no quick fix. I think many of us think we'll come on this board, buy the book, add a bit of salt and pepper bake at 200 and voila there's a marriage restored!

It's not that easy and like they've said before even if you get back together it's still work. That's problem we all made first go round we didn't think there would need to be any work once courtship and marriage happened.

The smallest consistent changes you can make will be noticed. They may not realize they are noticing these changes they'll just know something's different and it feels strange.

I was a wife who walked away when he decided he was done moping, moving out and dating (all things I encouraged) I realized I'd rushed things and wanted to take it all back. It was too late at that point. So now I'm here learning about myself and trying to build a friendship with my H that we'd lost years ago.

Acting "as if" will be a good first step. No matter how you feel inside act as if everything is great and fine and you are confident and happy. You'll feel much better than if you let them see the mess you are inside.

Keep your head up. Post here when you need to vent or just feeling emotional. It's great because people will tell you when you learning and growing or if you're just stuck in bad thinking.
We're all here for YOU

Hey Busting

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I have a WAW who I believe is going through a MLC and she is acting in the same fashion. Cold and adamant is an accurate description. I am sure your DB coach told you not to believe all those "I am done" statements. This thing is only done when you decide. So lean on the folks in this community and you will find strength and sound advice. But it is important to GAL and also try to go dark on him (with kids it is tough, I call it going dim) because that will help you to. I promise he will notice and once you really stop chasing him, giving him a safety net, good things will happen for you at least.

Good luck.

I am not disagreeing with this^^^ but would like to add my own perspective or .02 and toss it in the pot.

To ME, imho, too many LBSers point at an affair and blame the end of a long term marriage and family life ALL on an affair and it's very rarely the deathknell of the marriage on its' own.

That does not mean it's okay to have an affair but it does mean that I see too many people blame it "all on the cheater" as if something like that happens in a vacuum. There are SOME people who are serial cheaters and who lie well enough to fool the smartest among us.

But for most marriages that end in an affair, other problems loomed long before.

AND if you only stare at the affair as THE cause, you learn very little about how to improve yourself or your life. That's my main point. You can't do a thing about an affair

but you sure can work on YOU and becoming a woman only a fool would leave.

An affair is a deeply wounding event. We all get that. Some of us cannot ever get past that, even if we think that maybe down deep we nudged our spouse into the arms of the other person...

we just can't wrap our brains around the idea of reconciling and restoring a marriage...in our visions of the future with our spouses, SOME of us cannot truly imagine ever trusting again or feeling close or opening our hearts again. If you are in those shoes, think hard about whether you can change. If you cannot, don't stick around for misery...

But there are those who want the wayward spouse to want to come back, even though the LBSer knows they won't or can't forgive....what a waste for both...

so, if you do not think you can ever get past this and or, you lack the skills to know how---figure this out asap b/c it's done.

AND OR

if your husband thinks you won't ever get past it....it's done.

so that leaves you with the possibility of getting past it...

and therein lies the challenge.

Can you forgive? Even before your spouse asks you to? (The answer is yes b/c 1) the spouse may never ask or seek forgiveness but 2) forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

you already know the pain of simply imagining them together "gloating" (highly unlikely, btw)

and so you know that the more YOU wonder or feel things like that, the worse YOU feel.

Holding onto anger to hurt the other person is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes.

You forgive so you can let go of the anger and pain that can consume YOUR LIFE and take you away from your childeren and your own new future.

For now, that's all I want to say b/c you are probably being overwhelmed. But please don't "skim" the Div Remedy book.

really really read it.

FINAL NOTE--a short true story...

my neighbors growing up included a military family. The dad was a Colonel who'd been a POW in Vietnam for 7 years and was a real hero. He was handsome and witty and fun.

He also had an affair years before they moved into our neighborhood.

How did I know this? b/c WE ALL KNEW b/c his wife made sure we all did...

she was a bitter woman, w/5 children who adored, or wanted to adore, their father. (That seemed unfair to her)

When we asked him stories about Vietnam or how he got thru 7 YEARS of being a POW - she'd cut the stories short.

At first I really thought she was protecting him but now I know she was preventing him from any shining in the light.

She deeply resented him & his betrayal. But for the life of me I always wondered why she didn't simply let him go if she wasn't going to forgive him.

You could see his efforts w/his family and his love for them at dinner and at events, and then you'd hear her sniping ways.

I was only 19 but From where I and my siblings sat, SHE was the bad guy person and he was the victim.

My point?

You have choices when confronted with an affair.

What I KNOW is that my neighbor made the wrong choice b/c she chose

to stay married - but to be miserable.

She held that affair over his head the rest of his life, like the sword of Damacles...she threw it in his face every time they fought.

TODAY the father is dead, and of their 5 children, (1 boy and 4 girls) ALL been divorced at least once, 3 twice, ...and only 1 is married now, 30 years later.

some legacy.

Instead, she could have chosen to forgive, and they'd have been given a legacy of forgiveness, committment and redemption.

choose wisely...

thanks jks i will read it for sure and i will get back.

I am in awe of your advice, 25. Really amazing stuff here.

Yes, thanks for the clarification. I definitely intended to communicate revise from the point of view of 'TO RECOGNIZE YOUR MISTAKES AND THEN TO CORRECT/FIX/REPAIR', not from the point of view of 'REVISIONIST HISTORY'.



I'd like to echo what 25 said, here. Even when I was in my fog and in online EA's and crazily self-justifying my behavior and apparently happy on the outside, I STILL had so much self-loathing about what I was doing. There was absolutely no gloating and alot of conflict and turmoil.

Stellar advice between 25 and Busto.

Busto has it down cold and recent and 25 has it down cold and long term.

Busto's advice is amazing, but there is nothing short or easy about it, despite the brevity of the posts. I am not making fun of or suggesting his advice isn't good.

His advice is right on. Just do not confuse his economy of words as an example of how easy or short this process is, even if you manage to live up to what he tell you to do, in the next day or two.

Busto is a guy that the guys here should look at with an idea of becoming more like.

As for 25? I have nothing but the deepest respect for her and her ability to constantly offer support and amazing insight.