Have faith, friend. I know it's tempting to keep worrying about things in the future (money, how you're going to foot the bill for college, MC, etc), but the only way you're going to change the future is to change the present.
Chances are that all of these things will take care of themselves, provided you don't squander everything away and act irresponsibly.
If your H is telling you to do these things and I'm betting that he really means this, why not give your worry away and just go live in the moment? This doesn't mean that you have to be Michigan's answer to Paris Hilton, but it's definitely okay to buy some things for yourself and be happy about it.
I think you've been telling us that your H is an old fashioned sort of guy. He wants to bring home the bacon and he wants his little lady to be happy about it. This doesn't mean that you need to do housework in a dress and become the new millennium Donna Reed, but I'm sure you can come up with a compromise?
My H has the first dollar he ever earned. He would be in love with you faster than you could say Finding Nemo. I'm frugal but not stingy. And I'm good with money. But I also know that I've never seen a Brink's truck following a hearse either.
Would you and Meredith please discuss this road trip? I can help you spend it!
Bruce
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Chum...Bruce and Anchor are here ready and waiting to perform a shopping makeover on you any time you're ready! We'll show you how to spend that dough! Responsibly, of course !
Something else I’d like you to keep in mind. Sometimes doing TOO much for your teenagers teaches them that fairies do these things. They may be waiting a long time for the laundry fairy, the snack fairy, the chauffer fairy and the money fairy when they leave the nest. My good friend and college roommate was one of the fairy-waiters…when she went to college she didn’t know laundry detergent from dish soap (literally, I exaggerate you not!) and had a hell of a struggle trying to learn to do things her mother had always done.
Actually, I’ll elaborate on that because it is a funny story. We went to school in Indiana, but we didn’t live there. Any Notre Dame alumni know how teeny the rooms are (in fact, when I went to a local state university for grad school I thought the freshmen had palaces for dorms!). In this teeny room we had more CRAP than space…all of it hers, all of it matching, all of it purchased or sewn by her mother. We had matching bedspreads and curtains…I kid you not. And every week, her mother (with three other kids at home) would make this long drive to ND and do her laundry, do the dishes, stock her mini fridge, change her sheets, etc. You may think it is ridiculous, but once she called the first week sobbing, her mother felt so guilty for never teaching these skills to her that she just did them for her. My own shark mother finally stepped in and begged this woman to stop! Which, when she saw that she wasn’t doing Kelli any services in the long run, she did.
The thing is, there is no stopping point. If you continue to feel guilty, that guilt will take you on a long drive to their dorm rooms to do laundry! And Kelli, though we love her dearly, is often confused why the world doesn’t stop for her…because it certainly did when she lived at home.
Pam, you are worthy of your own time and attention! The boys will master it as they go. My own 17, almost 18, year-old brother was the outcast when my parents made him move high schools…and they almost went berserk trying to do everything possible so he fit in and was happy. Finally, they gave up on him and went on to be Mr. Popularity all on his own – and content in the knowledge that he did it because of his personality and sense of humor - not the car he drove or the snacks my parents stocked or the allowance he had to spend. He goes to parochial school, so there is strict dress code…but you get the picture.
I know, you’re ready to kick me because my own son can barely speak in sentences and I’m offering advice on raising yours…but I don’t like to see my friends neglected by anyone. And I do see this good friend being neglected by her own self!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Pam - the mantra I used to get over my frugal objections to buying new clothes or taking expensive vacations with my H? "It's cheaper than a divorce, it's cheaper than a divorce"
Quote: I know, you’re ready to kick me because my own son can barely speak in sentences and I’m offering advice on raising yours…
Hey! I asked for the advice! I appreciate you taking the time to give it. I know I am wrong here. I promise to come up with a plan that will get me out of this problem. It's time to move myself up on the totem pole here. Don't worry, I won't let it all go to my head!
Quote: the mantra I used to get over my frugal objections to buying new clothes or taking expensive vacations with my H? "It's cheaper than a divorce, it's cheaper than a divorce"
How funny. I have actually been trying to tell myself this every time I get tense over the cost of counseling or dinners out or whatever...
O.K., one last dilemma... How in the world do I approach the "I'm not there yet" response to getting active in making this marriage better? I have to go to counseling tonight, and I have no idea what I'm supposed to cover there! I don't want to push by suggesting that we start compiling lists or writing down goals or whatever, but I feel as if I don't keep swimming I am going to sink! And, anyway...WTF??? He's "not there yet?" He lives here, he's sleeping with me (and 3-4 nights out of the week doing more than sleeping!), and we are parenting our kids together!!! Excuse me, but aren't we married? So what could be the aversion to trying to make it better? It's not some contract that means he still can't say, "you know, you just don't do it for me..." and still take off after a while. But this standing still limbo sh!t is going to kill us for sure. It just gets me to the point that I don't want to go at all. It seems fruitless. Incidentally, my H proclaimed last night that we talk "all the time!' Today's mantra? "Your friends have been at this longer than you. You can be patient, you can be patient...."
What are we going to do with you? You're so wonderful and you just don't see her the way we do...
Inhale, hold and now exhale.... Ahhhhhh.
I know you feel in limbo. Crap, you know I'm sitting in this stupid canoe with you too... and I hate it too.
Dare I point this out? Because this means I now own these words....
Your H and Mr. Wonderful do not feel like they are in limbo. They are confused. Confused men do not work well in an action mode. They get angry and bare their canine teeth and occasionally they bite.
I believe that tonight will take care of itself. Rather than anticipate an agenda, why not just go with the flow and let your H provide the topic for tonight's discussion? It certainly fits well in our 12 step program as sharks--that is, giving up control for the greater good.
Woman, you're going to get your answers! And right now, your H is telling you in all capital letters that he wants you. Trust him and let go of your fears. If they come true, then you will know that they were there. But there is nothing gained by fearing that he will choose to remain single over being married to you.
If he were living in the cave with Mr. Wonderful, I would have my doubts. But this guy is really trying. I know it's hard to see this from where you are sitting, but he's not out to destroy you.
Patience, patience, patience.
You're making progress, Pamela. We can see it, so just trust the process.
Hugs!
Betsey
p.s. Here's an assignment for you: Notice and log things that your H does that make you happy. Bring that list back here and let the rest of us sharks peruse.
p.p.s. On your way to C tonight (in the car), start your session off to a good start by telling him 1 thing that you appreciate about him...
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey, When Meredith and I make that road trip, I am going to give you the biggest hug ever! Thank you for taking your time with me! I'm trying, I'm trying!!!!
Hopefully, I will have great things to report tomorrow!
Hey gang! Well, yesterday's app't was so-so. It had it's good points, it had it's bad. My counselor is getting paid a lot of money to have me lead these sessions, I'll say that! But, it is a necessary evil (to go and pay rather than do it at home for free) because it makes H listen. Get a load of this: H said that he doesn't like when I ask him what he likes/wants, because then if I choose to do it for him, it isn't "real." (translation: I am supposed to have been put on this Earth to anticipate each of his needs and feelings, and instinctively know the right way to handle it all!) I replied that there is nothing wrong with him telling me these things, and then me choosing to do/say them. That's what marriage is about. Then, we looked at her for some type of comment...
Her response? "Neither of you is right, neither of you is wrong. You are just different."
WTF???
O.K., let's tell this man, who, incidentally, thinks that we do not belong together because of our DIFFERENCES, that we are just VERY DIFFERENT! And, end it at that!
So, I said, "well, then shouldn't we be trying to find some sort of way to communicate despite these differences???
Then, (are you all sitting here?)... When she had no real answer, I said, "My friend Betsey said that her counselor..." you will never know what I was about to say, because my C said, "tell your friend Betsey that I am capable of doing my job myself!"
Personally, Betsey, I would rather send you the $95!!!
Anyway, we did accomplish a little bit- mainly a big misundertanding in which I asked H to come to my work because I am being a bit harrassed by the maintanence guy (I just wanted him to make an appearance to show this guy that I am married, and that there is no future for him (maintenance guy) and I.) Ha! That's funny. I had to specify which couple here had no future. Anyway, when H blew me off, it was just another confirmation to me that he just didn't care. But, I explained the whole story to the MC, and she told my H this guy seems pretty creepy, and that I was asking for his protection. H seemed really surprised, and said that he was sorry, that he thought I was just kidding about him coming there. So, I guess we'll see where he goes with it.
So, another hour and a half of talking.... I left rather sad, because H said I was impatient, and when I exclaimed, "Impatient? I have been showing nothing but patience for the last 11 months or so!" he got a little angry. But, then we got home, he came upstairs and talked to me, and even sang to me while hugging me. So, a happy ending, I guess.
I will try to catch up to everyone else a bit later. Time to take S11 to school, get some groceries, and go to work.
Have a good day all! And, Bets, don't stop advising me! I will just stop quoting you (at the C office, anyway!)
Oh Yeah! I forgot something... H said that he doesn't like to tell me negative things about our relationship because he doesn't like to hurt me. I said that I would rather he tell me things, even if it hurts my feelings, rather than hold them all in, which brought him to the point of not wanting to be married. He said, "Yes, but you see things so black and white that if I say something, you immediately jump to the conclusion that it is over between us." Hmmm...very interesting! The man who isn't sure he wants to be married is afraid of coming out with the deal-breaker to our marriage?????
Oh, and one more thing... Our MC remarked that we have a really good friendship base. (we joke around with eachother a lot and seem rather comfortable for 2 people sitting in a counseling office.) He looked pleased, and said, "yes, we are. More now so than ever."
Can I hear a big GO PAM?
Anyway, today I am going to work on my goals, and present them to you all later. And, I still owe an assignment to Betsey. It's just that I really should get my butt off to my job right now.... (I have flex time on Fridays.)
