Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My Story So Far. Is this even worth saving?

Oh, and this morning I was reading a magazine that had a quote that said, "When you don't know what to do, don't do ANYTHING". It kind of rang true for me. I'm not sure if I should stay or go, but if I go, that decision is already made. If I stay, I still have the option to leave. Until I know, in my heart, what I should do, I'm not changing anything.

I've decided that I will go to that support group tonight. They meet on the 1st and 3rd Monday each month. This is kind of a 180 for me as I normally wouldn't ever do something like this. But, I guess I can look at it as what I have been doing hasn't worked.

I guess the problem is that I don't want what happened to be the defining moment of my life. I mean, I know it was important, but my abuser already took so much from me, it feels like giving him something more. And I'm also concerned that people will think differently of me if they know. I don't want them to look at me and see "molested" stamped on my forehead. But, I feel like the harder I fight against it, the more it impacts my personal life.

As well, I'm looking into a spa day for myself. I deserve it and I had a great month last month (and this month) commission-wise, so I feel like I earned a little pampering. There's a lovely small local spa that is a bit cheaper than others.

I'm also calling a friend for coffee. She's a gym rat and is always getting on my case about working out. I figure that it's as good a time as any to start back at the gym. I find I feel much better when I'm busy, so I'll start working out more. I ate healthier this morning for breakfast (greek yogurt and berries). I'm not focusing on losing weight. I'm focusing on treating my body right and making some better choices for me. If I make a bad choice, I'm not going to beat myself up. I just decided to choose something better this morning for breakfast.

There's hardly a woman out there who has not been sexually abused or molested sometime during her life. If it were possible, you'd see the "molested" stamp on women everywhere. You are not alone. Good luck to you in journey. The men who do this take so much and change lives forever.

Just wanted to say I think going to the support group and going to the spa and gym are great ways to GAL and step out of your comfort zone. Good for you!

Thanks so much. I know that I'm not alone, but I feel like it sometimes. I feel like I've been tainted, so to speak. Totally stepping out of my comfort zone with this one!

No one ever got anywhere by standing still.

Went to the support group. It was only the facilitator and myself. It's the end of a really popular holiday weekend in Canada and most people in my province drink and camp out, so it doesn't surprise me that no one else showed up. The facilitator told me usually 4-5 people show up each meeting.

I feel a lot better after going, which surprises me. I didn't think I'd get as much out of this as I did. I plan on going again (it's the 1st and 3rd Monday each month). I wish I did this sooner.

I really feel good after that support group last night. The facilitator said something that really stuck with me. She said that she finds that when she looks at pictures of herself from that time period, she feels detatched from the little girl she sees in the pictures. I feel this way, too, like it isn't really me. She said she has a picture of herself at the time the abuse started and when she is feeling badly (not taking care of herself because she's not worth it), she says, "This little girl is innocent and sweet and deserves someone to take care of her. Since no one else will, I will take care of her". It really stuck with me.

I looked at a picture of when I was a toddler (before the abuse) and feel like that little girl does deserve to be cared for, to eat nutritious food, to exercise, to be healthy. So it's been easier for me today to keep that in mind, to be mindful of my decisions and choices.

I have also decided to lay of drinking for a while. I have a liver disease that is unrelated to drinking (or any infection, like hepatitis a, b or c), but is certainly affected by drinking. I don't really drink a lot, but had too much to drink on Saturday night. My liver and spleen are pretty swollen today and sore, so I know that my body is angry at me for this. No more wine for a while!

I also have a doctor's appointment next week. I plan on getting all of my bloodwork done. I've been acting like an ostrich, putting my head in the sand, but I know that my liver enzymes need to be monitored. I'm also going to say something to my family doctor about the last appointment H had when I wasw there and she was really hard on him. Honestly, I was petrified that he'd hurt himself and while I can appreciate that she was making him responsible for his actions and his illness, it really wasn't the right time. I was terrified and really needed someone to say that everything would be OK. I'm not angry at her any more, but it certainly kept me away from her when I can use all of the support I can get.

Still going to the gym this week. I planned on going on Thursday night, but might just go tonight.

It's my father's birthday today. H and I are going over for a lobster boil after work today. We went out for dinner last night, which was nice. I am still Pepsi-free, which I have been for 2 days (MAJOR caffeine addition). I have a headache today, but think that is mostly due to the humidity here.

I booked myself a hot stone massage when I return from a quick trip with my mother in June. We're flying into the city where my sister lives and throwing a bridal shower (she lives across the country and is getting married down south for a destination wedding). My sister has no idea I'm coming, so that should be fun. I'll be gone for 8 days, then back for a day before I have to go to work. I figured it would be nice to go to the spa and do something for myself. It would have been wonderful for this weekend, but they were all booked up.

I'm taking Monday off to run some errands and see my doctor and IC. I'm also planning on reading more. It's lovely to read outside in the park. H does it a lot, but I think I'll do it myself. The local museum here also has a free admission night on Wednesdays, so I think I'll head out there next week and check it out. Might make plans with some girlfriends to meet there. The museum has a really nice restaurant on the top floor, great views.

Augh. He's being cold and distant again. It just drives me nuts. I hate that he can't even really talk to me anymore. I hate this. I just wish he could be pleasant for once.

It's really frustrating. I feel like why should I bother. After we had that convo (a mistake, I know) last weekend, he said that it was inevitable that we would split up because he feels like I can't change. Well, he doesn't even seem to want to try to change! I don't think the problem is that I can't change, but more that he won't change. It's infuriating that I have to make all of this effort when he's already decided that he's done. He doesn't have the b@lls to end it, but is trying to make me miserable so I do it for him.

Well, I'm not going to make it easy for him. I'll have to just keep plugging on, doing what I'm doing and hope he gets with the program.

Hi Timbits

I've tweaked to a few things you've said about where you are, and I think we might be from the same home town. I haven't lived there in 12 years, and haven't been back in seven or so. A lot has changed in that time.



My H said the same thing to me. Even when he *confessed* to having issues, when I asked him why he wouldn't work on them in the safety and security of his home and people who love him, his excuse was "because you'll never change." That was the punchline of EVERYTHING...somehow I'm flawed and thereby responsible for his choices.

Has your H told you what he figures you need to change?

H never told me, except the laundry list of ridiculousness (he didn't feel like my protector, I didn't tell him he had a nice butt one day in particular, etc) and my "strong personality", which is no different than it was before we married.

The "you won't change" mantra is a crock they use so they don't have to look at themselves or take any responsibility. And IMHO you're absolutely right....your H won't change....not right now anyway.

Fact is, IMHO, they lack the insight required to see what they need to change and to change it. Sometimes loss rectifies this, but not in my case. H's relief outweighed his losses.



You're right on that one too. My H was twitchy almost from the get go because, I think, we were so good together and to be with me meant he couldn't hide forever. We were achieving and doing everything he wanted in life. At around the 1.5 year mark we bought a townhouse together and within a very short time the front porch / entranceway seddenly became too small for him. He moaned continuously about this. So we sold it after two years instead of five and moved to the country where we could store the boat and he could shoot his crossbow in the basement or the backyard and hunt or fish whenever he wanted to.

Not even a year later he was in EA (I found out the time line after BD) and then a few months after that BD/PA. I think he figured he'd play us both and get away with it, but I threw him out. Funny enough as he was leaving he said "maybe if we'd stayed in the townhouse this wouldn't have happened." Seriously. From the mouths of babes...and revisionist historians.

By throwing him out I essentially did the dirty work for him. I honestly thought he'd open his eyes to the life he was giving up, but no such luck. Absence only provided him the relief he sought because all he wanted was to get away, and away he stays. This I regret.

Stick to your guns, maid! Make him do the dirty work.