Now I am jealous! I wish I could figure out my H's LL! I have tried and tried but only could rule out one - gift giving. H is a crappy gift giver and could honestly care less what he gets from others. I have only twice been able to 'wow' him with a gift!
I'm quality time right there with ya. Although words of affirmation are a very close second. So, that means I have to start spending quality time with myself since H is otherwise disposed at the moment. You know, before DBing that concept would have seemed extremely ridiculous – quality time with myself!?!?!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
How could you get an F when you weren't even registered for the class?
You did well! You think I knew this before I read the book?
You made some amazing discoveries and now your insights and knowledge are going to pay you back with interest. Just watch and see. I know that you're going to see them too.
I did all the wrong things too: I'd do and fold his laundry but he had to put them away... just something that carried forward from my childhood. My mom would put all the nicely folded and ironed clothes on our beds for us to put away. She felt that how we arranged our drawers was private and didn't want us to ever think she snooped (and I'm happy to say, my mom ROCKS in that department).
Mr. W. felt I had just not finished the job. This came out in MC this summer--he actually came out and said I didn't love him because I didn't put his clothes away (like I do for D6--D9 puts hers away).
Now it sounds completely stupid to me, but that's how I verified what I thought was true.
I could actually see that he was sort of "turned on and turned in" by and to me this summer when I was out there sweating and mowing the lawn and edging. A*hole loved that! I hated it, because I hate lawn work. IT SUCKS!
So even though he's read the 5LL, he hasn't made any attempt whatsoever to speak mine. When we get to the point where I get to ask for what I want, hearing nice words is going to top my list...
I look really nice today (and smell nice too). I know he noticed, but did he say anything? No.... but I could feel his eyes on my back when I walked down the steps. What a maroon.
Meredith--I posted some helpful hints for you at your place.
Hugs!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Quote: You made some amazing discoveries and now your insights and knowledge are going to pay you back with interest.
In just about any self-help or recovery book, class or discussion they will tell you that discovering the real problem is the first step in reaching a real resolution. I think you’re well on your way to that resolution!
I have blatantly and outright told my H that my love language was quality time. I think I caught him in ‘teenager mode’ though because he did a laugh/snort thing and said “your LOVE what??”…So, I offered to lend the book but he raised his eyebrows and said, as though he was talking to our 4-year-old niece, “thank you, but I think I will pass on that”. Apparently he’s not quite ready for the LL book…maybe once he finishes One Fish Two Fish and makes it to chapter books we’ll try that conversation again.
Without some kind of feedback, it is almost impossible to tell what our H’s love languages are. How was Betsey to know that Mr. W wanted his laundry put away as well as folded?
As far as becoming a Stepford wife…I think that you and your H need to somehow come to a ‘clean slate’ agreement. You may have made some poor choices in the past, but so did he. If you try to pay off this debt that you have made yourself responsible for, you will only make yourself nuts. I think you need to set some boundaries for yourself and for your family. What things do you do for them that you enjoy doing and they enjoy receiving? Do these things fit into your schedule on a regular basis or should they only be done as a special reward or encouragement? What things could they do for themselves to help you out and give them a sense of accomplishment and responsibility? If there are things that you are doing for them that they don’t give a fig about and you are making yourself nuts doing them – STOP!
Example, my mom used to vacuum our basement ceiling (between the suspended ceiling and actual ceiling) to remove the cobwebs that we couldn’t see. She would scream and yell (crazymake) when we didn’t notice this gesture and was really hurt that none of us appreciated it. She hated doing it, we couldn’t care less whether or not it was done and she resented us for not appreciating her sacrifice. Nobody won here – including the homeless spiders.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Yes, I'm not sure who got the raw end of the deal...the spiders who lost their homes to the shop vac or the ones who didn't appreciate the operator of the vac! I think that at the time I would have taken on the spider's problems in a new york minute!
About a month ago my brother sent around this ridiculous email asking everyone some silly 'get to know you' questions. Some asked about your favorite salad dressing, others wanted to know if you had ever been in love - that sort of thing. Well it also got most of my co-workers going when I brought it to work. One of the questions asked which super power you would choose if you could pick one - everyone said instantly that Meredith's would be the ability to read minds! Clearly, I am no super hero and it is good to know I'm not alone!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Did my night really go the way I reported on Meredith's thread or was this all a bad dream??? I am so tired right now (about 2 hours of sleep), so I am hoping to go back to bed and wake up with all of this gone! By the way, since I really cannot sleep, I just reread the stuff you guys wrote yesterday. At least something is making me smile! You guys are the best.
p.s. I am worried about Pattie. She talked about a trip later this month, not now. I hope she shows up soon.
You poor thing...I know exactly what that feels like. Here's a few that I found on H's...
can i c u 2 day? i need u 2 baby me i want to cuddle what did you tell her? what does she think happened? OH, let me tell you...rage was a complete understatement! For the sake of empathy, I'll tell you that story. You see...my H lost his cell phone and was panicked about it. I don't mean the 'it cost a lot of money and we'll have to replace it' panic...it was pure panic. So, he spent two days going out of his mind with fear looking for this phone. Like the crazymaker that I am, I sense fear. I know my H pretty well, and I also know how well he looks for things (not very). So, when he left for work in the morning I got up and started looking myself. Sure enough, there was his phone in the laundry. The only thing that I could find that was odd was the OW’s name was in the call log an awful lot. I called my best friend, starting to panic myself. She came right over and showed me how to find the text messages. 62, count ‘em 62, text messages from this whore. Some of them referenced our son! I was physically ill after seeing this. The full story is somewhere on my first thread, but it isn’t that relevant. The point is, I have definitely been there, done that and have the free t-shirt (or however the saying goes). I wish I could take you to lunch…I understand all too well the need to vent and rage right now.
The important thing to remember is that venting and raging at your H will get you nowhere. Make the inches jokes here…we’ll all enjoy them and probably add a few! One of many things that are honesty irritating about text messages is that you don’t get to see what your H wrote – either originally or as a reply. Maybe the message was received completely in error; maybe she was trying to text another number and got one digit wrong. Maybe he’s a lying bastard! So, take a deep breath and leave the house. Take the phone with you if you want to. Or leave it there and let H find out you snooped. Whatever. Just get yourself to a place where you can be calm.
You’ve read my posts…you know my sarcastic abilities and my need for screaming. So, it may surprise you that I didn’t tell my H that I knew for a day or two. I had to calm down and get my ducks in a row. When I did tell him, it got ugly from many angles. I cried, threw up, made him call the OW, threw him out and then collapsed on the couch for the next two days. Looking back, I wish that I had accepted H’s plead to stay because making him leave for the weekend meant that he hasn’t come back!
Now might be your biggest opportunity (yep, I really do mean opportunity) to show him you’ve changed and can handle things rationally.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
I wrote a nice (very nice, considering the circumstances) letter and left it on his bathroom mirror. I won't post the whole thing, but here are parts:
I was cleaning the kitchen when I moved your phone to wipe the countertop. I noticed a little envelope with a 1 in it. A new message? Hmmm…it wouldn’t hurt to take a look, right? Well, no, it isn’t right, and I am sorry. I have really tried to stop these behaviors, and I had. But, I just wanted to reassure myself that things were o.k. between us, because I saw little signs of “happiness up ahead.”
Well, I’m sure your heart is in your stomach right now as mine still is- a full hour after this horrible discovery. Of course things ARE NOT o.k. Stupid me, when will I learn that when I am searching for reassurances, it is because I need them? And that when I need them it is because they are lacking? And, most importantly, when they are lacking it is for a reason!!!
....I really believed that you were trying to get things into order in your life. I was willing to wait, because I just knew in my heart that we could have the relationship together we always wanted. I wanted to let go of the past and just let go and let myself be vulnerable to you. I was hoping for the same in return.
I don’t know what else to say. I’m sorry that your life is so empty that you need to resort to something like this. I really hope you can find what you are looking for. Please get yourself together. Your boys need a strong man to look up to. Maybe tonight at your app’t you can finally get real with Sue and tell her just what it is that you have been holding back. I hope that you can get somewhere with figuring out why you keep searching.
I went on to say that I love him, and I was tired of not saying it just because he stopped. That's about it.
All in all, a nice letter. Not crazy, not confrontational at all. That stuff is behind me and I really don't feel that way anymore. (crazy, that is! )
So, I got a blanket and went to sleep on the couch. Miracle of miracles, I actually fell asleep. The last thing I remember was praying for strength, and maybe a little bit of sleep- I really didn't think I would be able to calm down. I woke up at I have no idea what time because H was shaking me. He asked what I was doing on the couch. I said, "I left you a letter on the mirror." He found it, read it, and some time later came back downstairs and said, "I have no idea what you are talking about!" I said, "look at your text message." He said, rather surprised, "I have a text message? How do I get it?" So, he went and fumbled with his phone for quite a while. Finally, he came over and said, "I have no idea what this is." I didn't say anything. He said, "I don't even know what a profile is!" I still said nothing. He went and fumbled with the phone some more and then came back and told me to believe what I wanted, but it wasn't for him. Then, he went back up to bed.
He got up early and came back down and woke me up again, telling me to go up to our bed. I said I was fine. He just looked at me and said, "you are making a big mistake about this." He then prepared to leave for work. He did say, "bye," and I replied, "bye, have a nice day." He looked somewhat surprised, as I still was calm and rather nice. He just said, "you too," and left. That was 5 hours ago. Haven't heard a word since.
So, who knows? I don't want to just believe whatever, as he has lied to my face before and I didn't think he was capable. I do have to say, he looked rather confused about the whole issue...but it could have just been confusion over what to do next! The only other thing I wonder about is the fact that it was still a new message, though it had come in at 9 a.m. We went out last night, and he used his phone for work stuff, so I know he would have retrieved it. After I read it, I tried to figure out a way to make it look like new mail, you know, like on AOL where you can re-mark your mail so that it looks new? I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to do this, so I wonder if it could be done--or, if in fact he never read it? Who knows? I really don't want to think about it.
I guess the ball is in his court. I don't want to be one of those wives that just believes everything (while you, the readers, are screaming out, "don't be so stupid!!!") I guess he can choose to be mad over my snooping, or he can try to figure out a way to reassure me. The return # was right there, so I guess he could, if it really was a mistake, contact the person and say that she got it wrong. Or, he already contacted her and said, "oh sh@!, my wife is on to me!" I am not going to get all crazymaking over it! A. I'm too tired, physically B. I'm too tired of all this stuff, mentally.
What a waste. We had a nice evening together- had an interesting talk about the 5LL that I had planned on getting some feedback on, then he asked me to sit with him while he relaxed before bed. Unfortunately, I didn't go up to bed, I decided to clean the kitchen and do another load of wash.
Thanks for your reply, Meredith. I know you understand, so I am looking forward to working thru this mess with you and the others.
We have a counseling app't tonight.... gotta figure out what to do about this! As you can see, in the letter I made it sound as if he is on his own. I think I will just wait and see what happens, what he says. But,, since I have yet to hear from him, I don't think I will. So, I don't really know what I will do.
In a perfect world, he would be here right now, reassuring me that this is a horrible misunderstanding. He would realize that work isn't so important when the potential for breaking up a family is so close. But, he has never realized this in the past, so why start now? Besides, he has lots of sympathetic women at work who will gladly pitch in and help with his problems.....
I'm so sorry about this. But I want to just give you something that might help in this trial where you have to convict on the evidence "beyond a reasonable doubt".
Does your H lie to you? Is that his modus operandi?
Is it possible that a friend entered him in a dating service online?
The only thing I would like to see here is some honest dialogue between the two of you. It's tough to make good decisions based on partial or untruths.
I know you will be addressing this with your MC tonight.
Big hugs.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
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