Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again The not so Waste Land

Thoughts on how to address this...

Been back 3 months. Things progressing achingly slow on the physical intimacy front.

Case in point
1. Sleep in separate rooms since I moved back
2. haven't ML in almost a year
3. No kisses, hugs or other physical displays.

I don't want to be in that type of marriage where there is no affection, but it feels selfish and petty to think that I want to be more physical or I have a big decision to make. plus I love being with my family and my boys.

But I struggle with how to approach it in a way that

1) doesn't feel like I'm rushing her
2) takes into account this is a sensitive issue
3) won't hurt me if she reject things
4) doesn't diminish the other progress we've taken.

We've had these talks before and they usually go bad. because to my W, it feels I'm moving too fast and not focusing on the good things going on - to which there are plenty.

I do feel angry about it at times, then feel bad I feel angry.

ideas?

If you do figure it out, let ME know, as I've not only never figured it out myself, but I've also never seen anyone's recommended "system" work (at least for more than a brief period of time).

People seem to just be libido-mismatched sometimes, and the only thing that seems to work is "fear of loss," but how many times can you play that card?

You're either willing to -- or NOT willing to -- live in a sexless, affectionless marriage. Once the low-drive spouse knows (by your actions, not your words) that you ARE pretty much willing to, I don't see them ever changing.


Starsky

Have you tried beginning with small, physical touches? Pats or strokes on the back. Using that type of thing for jobs well done or similar? How DO you normally show appreciation of someone other than a hand shake?

How is this non-touch behaviour different than what it used to be before your M went south?

It is often stated that women don't go physical until they have the emotional... is it possible that your W is still not feeling the emotional connection and intimacy that she might need?

Are you paying attention to her ALL THE TIME? IOW, is your relationship still a matter of you and her having short moments of "togetherness" and you never make the time to just BE THERE for her to listen and validate / affirm?

Have the two of you gone on any "dates" just the two of you? How is that different than when you first met?

thanks S.

I guess my question was a little more direct than I let on. I'm talking about specific ideas during reconciliation.

I know they say that the physical part is usually the last to manifest. But how long do you wait it out.

My main worry is that this just a fundamental change in our relationship. Prior to our problems, ML was never a huge issue for us. My biggest problem back then was how to ask for it (don't know why I wasn't direct)

In terms of physical affection (outside of ML) - I was very satisfied with the amount of hand holding, cuddling, hugging, kissing etc.

But now there is NONE of that. NONE.

But I feel like a pr!ck if I were to not be willing to live in a sexless/affection less marriage. especially since everything else is pretty darn good.

Well I never grew up in a hugging/touching household, but I have no problem being hugging/kissing my relatives or kids. but I normally don't touch people. But it's not so foreign to me.


See above. very different.

Possible, but she does other stuff that conveys a connection.

I'm not sure what you mean by this, but with 2 small kids it's never all the time. I give her space to be her. I still take time to do my things - mainly running, playing Xbox. I'm coaching my kids soccer team. I also do a lot of listening to her about her work and such.

No dates as of yet. She mentioned something but didn't follow up on it. I will add our support system her is minimal. She does make time a couple of nights a week to just connect her and I alone.

I hate to use are first meeting as an example. We started out as friends. We did a lot of group things and individual things. She developed a huge crush on me. I told her that I wsn't interested (even though I was) She pursued but not super aggressively.

It's not something can be replicated at this stage really.

I'd suggest starting with regular date nights, then non-sexual touches, and giving yourself an internal deadline. Maybe one year. If intimacy wasn't a problem before, I do think you are reasonable to expect it to return, but it could take some time.


Starsky

Basically, I'd go with what Starsky said ^^^^... You've come this far and as you said, with everything GOOD that there is, it would might feel horrible to leave "just because" you aren't gettin' sumfin sumfin... right now...



You did mention that you feel she is likely feeling connected in other ways with you, so maybe the above isn't so important as just keeping up with what you are doing, for now... with slight adjustments like random, brief physical (but not sexual, no caresses) touches and dates.

But what I meant by the above is basically:

When your W comes to you to talk, do you just sit, listen, and validate? No offers to fix anything, just truly being there for her and listening to her...

According to some experts, a woman who feels her man will just listen to her... be there for her... be her emotional rock when she's emotionally scattered... apparently that can be very appealing and build that emotional connection that might be necessary to allow for more physical (male oriented) connection...

Maybe just something to think on and do with as you feel necessary...

Just some perspective.

My W sent me this last week after she went to bed.

Just wanted to say thanks for everything you've been doing- I love you and am so glad to have things getting better and better. Have a good night."

Hi Harrier,

Good to hear from you again!

The note from your W is very positive. It means that although outwardly you are not seeing any changes, inwardly she is procesing and moving along. Your pace is different from hers. And it makes sense that you are way ahead as she is the WAW who took many many steps backwards in your journey together.

Just keep doing what you are doing, wait for her to catch up. As your sig line says, patience is bitter but the fruit is sweet. And the fruit is definitely not low hanging, it is way at the very top.

The note does seem very positive, Harrier.

I don't have any ideas that would be new. I ran. A lot. I coached soccer too. The busier the better, especially if it involved friends. I tended to isolate myself, but always felt better when I didn't.

Do you and your W have a group of mutual friends around? Someting about that seems to help, especially to take some of the stress out of parenting.

On a side note - I've been gone a while - I'm really glad things are moving in a good direction.