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Thank You, Guys so much for your feedback. Let me give a little bit more insight and hopefully help you guys understand. My wife and I as far as i was aware were pretty good. I knew things weren't 100% percent but i felt we were working on it and building a future.

Recently, my wife shut down and really didnt want me to touch her. I have been feeling like i was a rapist or a wife beater. It has been really hurting me. So, them my wife started adding a new hobby of spending time with her friends on friday nights. This again is a huge red flag but i wanted her to be able to have friendship and be able to go out when she wants to. I just ask that she spends time with me.

So last Saturday morning. I got up and i cleaned the house for mothers day. This was my plan for months. I wanted to make sure she didn't have to work at all. I cleaned the house and was waiting for her. She went out with her friend to the gym and was gone for a long time. I was very frustrated because this has happen several weekends in a row and i really wanted to spend some quality time with my wife. So, i wait at the house till 12 and left when she didnt come. I let her know via text and then went out with a friend for a couple hours. I came home around 2pm and My wife had been waiting for me to eat. We got her some food and watched some TV. (I suggested many times during this TV time to go out and do something but she didnt want to.)

On Sunday. We had a nice day at the beach. Then she told me that she wanted to go to the movies with her and our son. She wanted to do a mother/son thing. This is a very odd request for my wife. I then said to her. Do you plan on meeting up with your friend. She said no. She then left and i found out she met with her friend. (she told me...she didnt lie or anything) Now, i wasnt up about her going just that she couldnt be honest with me. This caused a big fight and basicly lead to me sleeping on the couch and then talking about the big D. Sadly, the big D was brought up by me because i didnt think that it had gotten that bad and was basicly asking are you in the same place again. She said "I love you but im not in love with you." etc etc etc

Since, then i have been a mess and trying to figure it out. I am not sure if i want to fight for the wife or deal with this issue. I kind of want to tell her that i was angry and but i still want to work on things. However, when i talk to her i am very passive/agressive I am kind of like. Lets tell the kids, lets figure this out if this is something you want. I am just angry and still trying to work it out.

Clove- I dont know where i am now. I am kind of distant and upset. I have spent so much time on the marrige. I have lost me for a bit. I was kind of in a good space. I make a decent amount of money and i feel that i am taking care of my family for the first time in my life. However, I recently realized that i am fat. I have been fat for awhile but i started looking at myself in the mirror and have kind of accepted that. This has put my in a weird spot. I read DR last night. However, i think i read it looking for answer not as a guide. I kind of felt, i have been in this situation. I know what to do but what do you do now? I have changed completely i am a different person then i was before i read the book and a better husband. However, i may have lost some of myself along the way. I will think about that a bit.


Totally: Ya, i dont know what it is about this grass is always greener. How are you GAL with all the children? It seems like that would be very hard. I have made the changes i need to to be a better husband. There isnt much more that i can do there. I fixed alot of that the first time. I think i may have lost a bit of myself the question is what is missing that my wife may be looking for.

Did you and your W attend counseling after the first time? It's probable that she didn't do any introspection about why she did what she did the first time.

My wife refuses counseling

So you still really don't know why she left the first time?

I think that i know why. I was in a horrible place and unhappy for a long time time. I was not pulling my weight as a husband. I really wasnt even acknowledging her presence. She was basically this person i was having sex with. I was like a zombie and my relationship with her was not my focus. When i did DB. I learned how unhappy i was and how crappy of a husband i was. I did a 180 and turned it around. She started seeing me again and trying to focus on the relationship but it was great for awhile.

I think my wife is depressed. She was sick for a long time and now she is better. She is working out like crazy and really getting into that aspect of her life. I was able to afford her going down to 30 hours a week. This allowed her more time to work out but now i think she is depressed because isnt making as much money.

I think my wife is looking for something and she cant seem to find it. It may be a new career, maybe a new pair of boobs or maybe a new husband. I dont think she is knows. She had a child when she was really young and i think she feels like she missed out on something.

Alot of what you posted is about what "you think" is bothering your W. Did you W ever tell you any of those things? You could very well be wrong on all counts on what's bothering her.

Looking at your sitch and reflecting on my own here:

1. When we DB we sometimes think we're taking care of ourselves but sometimes we invest so much that we loose ourselves. When we loose ourselves in any relationship we have no self worth or self esteem. If we don't value ourselves how can we expect anyone else to value us?

What makes this dangerous is if you do split, you'll be completely bereft because you're relationship has become your rock, your HP as they'd say in addiction therapy. When that is gone you'll feel like an abandoned child. It's rough.

Furthermore in any relationship you have to be able to be independent and take care of your own needs. You're not child and as an adult you're responsible for your own well being and happiness. If you lean on your wife for that she can burdened and withdraw. (No blame here just an observation.)

2. In her position in the relationship your wife can feel suffocated. I'm not sure cleaning the house for her helps there. You give and don't get anything back. You then feel short changed and more needy. You need something and she needs to breathe. It becomes difficult for both of you. She can't meet your needs as you expect, nor you hers. Your both grown adults and have to take care of yourselves.

3. I do not believe you've checked out as you say. I think it's passive aggressive (which you've said yourself) because you've not found another way to get your needs met. She may not be as emotionally available as you would like, or your expectations are unrealistic. In my case it was a combination of those two. If you're anything like me that's one of your last coping mechanisms. You feel that if you pull away she'll chase again. So you withdraw, but she doesn't take up the slack, maybe she see's it as rejection, I don't know. ( I don't know about any of this really take from it what you will.) Maybe you don't feel it's worth convincing her anymore.

4. What woke me up is my split w X. At first I was thinking "yeah f' it. I wanted out anyways." But day by day toxicity of the relationship we were in began to bleed away and I could see how I lost myself completely. I began reading up on the dance between chaser and runner. I could see our pattern in the love addict avoidant cycle.

I don't know if you can read about it and take a look at it with her. I don't know if she thinks your bailing so she's tamping down her own response to not feel rejected and maybe pull away first. I don't know if she's already decided to pull out and is trying to get you to that point. These are the things I saw in my sitch.

One thing that I do know is taking a break opened up my eyes to a lot of the toxicity. I have no idea what it did for my now X.

5.
I do think being clear about what you want is important.
If there's a potential other person in the picture that's not OK. You've got to take care of your self esteem and stand up for yourself and that's one of those bottom line things a relationship can't stand.
I do think if you can create a space to pull back soothe yourself, healthily withdraw and take care of your own needs it would be good.

Take this all with a bucket of salt because I am PROJECTING my own sitch on yours and it may be completely unrelated.

So, i just had a long discussion with the wife. She seems pretty much done with me and our marriage. Its a long debate and i really came to conclusion. That the only possibility that i can see this working out in my favor. I need to GAL.

Now we will see how it all turns out. Will she want to save us or will i want to be done.

Sometimes it has to be over(or almost) to begin anew. Step back and give her space, discussions that aren't initiated by her usually don't work.

Ya, i know that but i had to let her know that i still had hope for us. She needed to know i wasnt giving up.