Well, I'm back and hoped that the reason I'd be back was different. I've been working hard on our marriage, and it seemed to be ok, minus the triggers and such, but just found out that H has started calling OW again in the last week. He lied about it at first, but then admitted to it.
Everything we've worked toward feels like it was for nothing. He claims he was really down and isn't able to talk to me about things because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings, make me cry or make me mad, and that he is, for whatever reason, able to talk to OW without any judgement. He says that it was just because he was extremely down and figured he'd talk to her to have her help him thru it and bring him back up, but I just can't believe anything he says anymore.
I'm hurt, so very hurt, and am afraid!! We've decided to give it one more shot, but now I feel like I'm just waiting for the bottom to fall out again. I'm so lost again...what should I do??
I was hoping that when I returned to this sight, it would be to help others once I was completely healed...but that isn't the case now...when will this pain ever stop??
M:38, H:37, SS:17, D:12 ILYBINILWY: Aug. 2011 OW Discovered: Mid Aug. 2011 Piecing from Aug. - Oct.2011 I Moved out: Nov.2011 Moved back in piecing since: Nov. 5, 2011 H talking to OW again: May 15
"He says that it was just because he was extremely down and figured he'd talk to her to have her help him thru it and bring him back up, but I just can't believe anything he says anymore.
So did he say why he wasn't able to talk to you about it? Did you go to C after you got back together? That always seems like a must.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Was OW a boundary that he was not to contact her? If so, what were the consequences you had set?
Is there any truth to what he said, about feeling that he would be judged by you, regarding talking to you "about things"? What "things" is he "talking to her" about?
You will find that its quite common for this to happen in piecing.
That is why it is said that piecing is really hard to do.
It may be that you both have not yet dealt with the situation fully. I see your timeline is short, its not been a year yet since bomb. There may still be a lot of issues lurking in the background that needs to be laid to rest before you can truly be in piecing.
I don't want to be the one to give advice on hanging on or letting go. Only you know whether it is something that you know -will you give him another chance, will you set new boundaries?
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
I have not been to ic yet but called today to make an appt. He refuses to go to counseling because of a negative childhood experience with counselors and his parents divorce.
He says he is afraid to talk to me because he doesn't want to hurt me, make me cry or mad, and that she is the only one of his "friends" that he could talk to without feeling judged or bad. Since D-day I have been emotional and distant, but still trying to work thru the emotions so I can see his point there. I feel like I'm constantly living in fear.
There were boundries set regarding ow. No contact was the main one. Periodically I would ask if he'd seen or talked to her, but they work together so that's made it hard for me to recover. He said he has been working very hard to switch his schedule around at work so he is less likely to run into her, and he's been more affectionate with me to show me he's trying, but everytime is ask about her (which wasn't all the time like he says) wore on him.
There were no consequences set on what would happen if he broke our agreements. I told him that I don't hate him for what he's done but that I'm extremely hurt, and feel like all of the work we've done to get where we are now just evaporated. I'm back to that horrible dark place again.
Our kids unfortunately walked in on our tear filled conversation and he told them what he did and that it wasn't anything that I'd done. We've decided on continuing to work on us, with no contact with ie, but now I don't believe anything he says.
I feel so lost and emotionally exhausted with hardly any faith or fight in me...
M:38, H:37, SS:17, D:12 ILYBINILWY: Aug. 2011 OW Discovered: Mid Aug. 2011 Piecing from Aug. - Oct.2011 I Moved out: Nov.2011 Moved back in piecing since: Nov. 5, 2011 H talking to OW again: May 15
OK, well as much as it sux, as angel said, this type of backslide isn't uncommon. Personally I do not know that, but I have seen it over the time I have been here with others.
So take some time to centre yourself again. Also, what were some of the GAL activities that you did that worked for you? Figure out what you want to do from here.
And what does your H want? Has that topic been broached?
I was working out...wow that dark time is such a blur to me. I know there were several things I was trying to do to GAL, but it all seems so fuzzy now. I do remember working out a lot though.
I know what I'd like to happen...for my husband to wake up and see what he has in me and our family. For him to love me completely without any pause, and be the only one for him. I want the security of knowing he loves me enough that no one else mattered. I want him to live me as much as I love him...
He says he doesn't know what he wants...he said he lives me, but that we keep going in circles and he wants the circles to end. As far as he's concerned, he doesn't think very highly of himself and I can see that. He says he doesn't know why he keeps sabotaging himself, but that he's very lost right now.
I guess we both are...
M:38, H:37, SS:17, D:12 ILYBINILWY: Aug. 2011 OW Discovered: Mid Aug. 2011 Piecing from Aug. - Oct.2011 I Moved out: Nov.2011 Moved back in piecing since: Nov. 5, 2011 H talking to OW again: May 15
I feel your pain. I see some similarities in our situation. My H moved back in with me after he ended his affair, and later reinitiated contact with OW and the affair resumed. The OW was also a co-worker, and my H has been extremely resistant to counseling.
I haven't read your old posts, but I'm wondering... how did the the affair end the first time? Did he just tell you it was over? Did he call or email the OW? Were you part of that? Do you know exactly how and when it ended? I ask these things, because I trusted that my H had ended the affair when he said he did, taking his word for it. I had no way of corroborating his story since I was not present in his conversation with the OW. Turns out that he didn't really end it with her the first time. He left it open-ended, meaning, 'I'm going to try things out with my wife and see what happens, but I still have feelings for you, and who knows if maybe in the future our paths will cross again.' So, in the OWs mind as well as in my H's mind, there was still a possibility they would get back together. And sure enough, after only a few weeks that we were back together, he turned back to her and they resumed the affair. This happened despite our 'no contact' agreement and that he would tell me if any contact were to occur. My problem is, I trusted too soon.
In my case, I basically did this time what I should have done the first time around. We discussed that the contact with the OW had to end with no room for interpretation and I had to be part of that discssion. The OW had to know with 100% certainty that the affair was over, that there would be no further contact, and that H loved ME and was totally committed to ME. We discussed having a face-to-face meeting with the three of us present, a phone conversation with me listening in, or an email which I would read before he sent. We decided on the email, since I knew I would have a hard time controlling my reactions and the OW is also pretty confrontational and aggressive.
We agreed on total transparency and openness. That meant that I would have full access to his work and personal email accounts, cell phone, online accounts, and I would have the option of installing tracking software on his computer, phone, and GPS tracking. (I did all three). We agreed that he must do individual counseling as well as marriage counseling. He agreed to find another job.
I made it very clear to H this time that these were non-negotiables and that if he did not do these things, I would be out the door.
So far, he has followed through with everything. The last hurdle has been the IC, which he has scheduled and will begin this week. I still don't trust him. The burden is now on him to prove with consistent actions over the long-term that he deserves my trust.
If your H is serious about reconciling, he will do WHATEVER it takes to restore your marriage. If he wants his cake and eat it too, he will waffle. It sounds like your H is waffling. And he will continue to waffle until he knows you are serious.
Freebird, you must be prepared to follow through with consequences if he doesn't meet his end of the bargain. Those choices may be difficult, like separating indefinitely until he is ready to agree with your terms, but the boundaries are necessary. Also, don't just take his word for it. Insist on proof for what he says. If he loves you and wants to restore your marriage, he will agree. If he's not serious, he will put up a million excuses.
M:12yr 06/11:IDLYA 07/11:Moves out 08/11:PA disc(began in May) 09/11:Moves w OW 10/11:Breaks up w OW;gets apt 11&12/11: Touchngo w me 1/12: Comes home-PA resumes 2/12: PA disc; PA ends Today: Piecing
I feel your pain. I see some similarities in our situation. My H moved back in with me after he ended his affair, and later reinitiated contact with OW and the affair resumed. The OW was also a co-worker, and my H has been extremely resistant to counseling.
I haven't read your old posts, but I'm wondering... how did the the affair end the first time? Did he just tell you it was over? Did he call or email the OW? Were you part of that? Do you know exactly how and when it ended? I ask these things, because I trusted that my H had ended the affair when he said he did, taking his word for it. I had no way of corroborating his story since I was not present in his conversation with the OW. Turns out that he didn't really end it with her the first time. He left it open-ended, meaning, 'I'm going to try things out with my wife and see what happens, but I still have feelings for you, and who knows if maybe in the future our paths will cross again.' So, in the OWs mind as well as in my H's mind, there was still a possibility they would get back together. And sure enough, after only a few weeks that we were back together, he turned back to her and they resumed the affair. This happened despite our 'no contact' agreement and that he would tell me if any contact were to occur. My problem is, I trusted too soon.
In my case, I basically did this time what I should have done the first time around. We discussed that the contact with the OW had to end with no room for interpretation and I had to be part of that discssion. The OW had to know with 100% certainty that the affair was over, that there would be no further contact, and that H loved ME and was totally committed to ME. We discussed having a face-to-face meeting with the three of us present, a phone conversation with me listening in, or an email which I would read before he sent. We decided on the email, since I knew I would have a hard time controlling my reactions and the OW is also pretty confrontational and aggressive.
We agreed on total transparency and openness. That meant that I would have full access to his work and personal email accounts, cell phone, online accounts, and I would have the option of installing tracking software on his computer, phone, and GPS tracking. (I did all three). We agreed that he must do individual counseling as well as marriage counseling. He agreed to find another job.
I made it very clear to H this time that these were non-negotiables and that if he did not do these things, I would be out the door.
So far, he has followed through with everything. The last hurdle has been the IC, which he has scheduled and will begin this week. I still don't trust him. The burden is now on him to prove with consistent actions over the long-term that he deserves my trust.
If your H is serious about reconciling, he will do WHATEVER it takes to restore your marriage. If he wants his cake and eat it too, he will waffle. It sounds like your H is waffling. And he will continue to waffle until he knows you are serious.
Freebird, you must be prepared to follow through with consequences if he doesn't meet his end of the bargain. Those choices may be difficult, like separating indefinitely until he is ready to agree with your terms, but the boundaries are necessary. Also, don't just take his word for it. Insist on proof for what he says. If he loves you and wants to restore your marriage, he will agree. If he's not serious, he will put up a million excuses.
Where's the "standing ovation" emoticon???
THIS is precisely how it must be done. Is it a guarantee? NOPE. But I can pretty much guarantee you it WON'T work, if you DON'T do these things.
Letting the cheating spouse back into the marriage, too quickly and TOO easily, is the #1 mistake I see people make.
Amen, Starsky. I wish I had listened to the wisdom on these boards the first time around. I was so desperate to have my H back that I practically rolled out the red carpet for him, expecting were little in return
M:12yr 06/11:IDLYA 07/11:Moves out 08/11:PA disc(began in May) 09/11:Moves w OW 10/11:Breaks up w OW;gets apt 11&12/11: Touchngo w me 1/12: Comes home-PA resumes 2/12: PA disc; PA ends Today: Piecing
