I don't know if you know this about me.. but I'm a w of an addict.
My wife is an alcoholic and an over-eater. She's been in OA for almost 2 yrs. Last time we had a conversation, she was talking about joining AA as well.
I can tell you that there is alot of ANGER being the spouse of an addict. I get angry at all the years she was sick and hurt me. I get angry at the fact that she is trying to get healthy but has no desire to show me the new her.
I find myself getting angry that a friend can do a completely innocent act and it triggers something in me that brings me back to that pain.
My friends suffer from my bullsh!t. Thank God for their never ending grace and love for me.
I can also tell you that is alot of FEAR being the spouse of an addict. Every time my w does something pleasant - I fear the other shoe to drop.
I fear my hope getting up that she has truly changed.
Every time she does something that even reminds me of the old dynamic - I get scared that I'm not strong enough so sometimes I over-react to get my point across.
Alamo - being in a relationship with an addict causes severe damage to both the addict and the enabler.
I tell you this not to blame you or make you feel bad. I believe that you are working on changing you. You are confronting your demons head on with God's strength... and that is amazing....
... your wife will need to do the same. She will need to confront her own demons because just as you chose to stay in your addiction... she chose to stay in that kind of relationship.
And I can tell you - some days that is hard to admit. It is much easier to blame the addict than to take ownership of your actions.
It is much easier to use the addict to keep you stuck in anger and fear....
I don't want to speculate why your w is acting the way she does. Honestly - I don't agree with what your w is doing...
... but I understand it because until she deals with herself... until she forgives you and herself.. you will get more of the same.
And that journey to forgiveness is soo hard. Some days I just want to scream - why do I have to experience all this pain because of HER addiction.
I bet your wife's has those days.
So I get it. I get why your w is doing what she does. I can understand the fear/angry behind it.
But at the end of the day....
only time and God will have to heal her heart.. and though your changed heart is awesome... it's really not about your journey...
..it's about her journey to heal.
And I'm sorry - but 1 yr may not be enough time for her.
What do you do with this... be patient and be loving. That does not mean being a doormat, that does not mean losing your son.
We care about your on this board. We all bring different viewpoints.
We can say that your w should be acting this way or you should be defending yourself this way....
... but at the end of the day - things are unfolding exactly the way God is intending. We may have difficulty trusting it... and we can surely not like it.
But if we believe that he loves us.. than we believe that he knows what's best for us.
Continue to do what God want's you to do.. and it will all work out.
A little off-topic update: I'm 365.25 days masturbation-free! Whoo-hoo! I want to thank God and all you folks for being with me on this tough and life-changing journey. It feels like yesterday that I started this challenge, and it definitely wasn't an easy passage. Even with all the temptations and primal instinct challenging me for a release, I was able to utilize my arsenal of tools (such as positive distractions, exercise, praying, friends, talking out loud, etc) to stop me from going further. My mind and body feel great!
Onward to the next milestone! Perhaps a busted divorce?
Alamo, I cannot believe I forgot or didn't know about the shoving stuff. That's usually considered abuse. (Certainly my female friends &I would say so-but some of my many brothers would probably qualify it b/c to them, a complete slug fest in the face seems like abuse, b/c that is what we saw growing up with a violent father) so I'm sad to say, I suppose it's relative.
I cannot speak for Labug but I will say if I had recalled the "abuse" (I only put it in quotes to avoid arguments but to be clear, it's BIG deal Alamo...)
I'd have seen your w's comments differently.
A lot of men are only physical with their wives and not their children, and it's when the w's feel the kids are threatened that they finally leave.
In your sitch Alamo, you have attributed your w's departure almost solely to the porn problem. I'm now not sure if that's fair.
OTOH I can see that if she really thinks you are a "threat" to son, she can hardly offer ANY custody to you, at the same time.
but my guess, and it's only a guess, is that she really doesn't have a lot of respect for who she now believes you to be. For some reason she's not aware of your changes. Why is that?
Can you get her to see ANY of the changes?
Also, I hesitate to comment about the legal aspects b/c I don't want my comments to be seen as legal advice.
But I am still not clear on why you don't work out custody NOW under California law. The minute your w gets to SC she MAY want to file THERE-
b /c if nothing is filed here FIRST, then South Carolina may have jurisdiction and that state will favor their own residents, and they'll probably favor HER then.
So why are you not handling this now before she leaves?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
In your sitch Alamo, you have attributed your w's departure almost solely to the porn problem. I'm now not sure if that's fair.
OTOH I can see that if she really thinks you are a "threat" to son, she can hardly offer ANY custody to you, at the same time.
By no means am I belittling what I did - no person should let their emotions take control in any situation, like what I did to my wife. The guilt and sorrow when I recall those moments are truly heart-breaking to me. Below I'm listing out a chronology of sorts of what has happened thus far:
- I've offensively grabbed by wife by the wrists 3 times and pinned her against a wall once. The last time was in 2008.
- Every OTHER time I've grabbed my wife's wrists besides the above was to keep her from hurting herself. She either had a razor, scissors or a knife in her hand, either cutting her thighs or threatening to do something worse. I did so to get her to drop those items.
This "abuse" has never been the main beef on any of my wife's conversations with me. Not during the marriage, not during the separation, not during our legal discussions. This topic only surfaces as a "Oh, by the way..."
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
but my guess, and it's only a guess, is that she really doesn't have a lot of respect for who she now believes you to be. For some reason she's not aware of your changes. Why is that?
Can you get her to see ANY of the changes?
I've made changes (some obvious to her, some not) since DB/DR Day 1, but as many of us know that:
a. It may take a long time before the WAS heals enough to see our changes b. The negative reactions of the WAS towards LBS, the "tests" and the button-pushing could mean that the WAS DOES notice the changes, but refuses to believe it c. In my case 25, if my wife believes that I'm a liar, nothing (I repeat, nothing) I do will stick and be seen as a positive in her mind.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Also, I hesitate to comment about the legal aspects b/c I don't want my comments to be seen as legal advice.
But I am still not clear on why you don't work out custody NOW under California law. The minute your w gets to SC she MAY want to file THERE-
b /c if nothing is filed here FIRST, then South Carolina may have jurisdiction and that state will favor their own residents, and they'll probably favor HER then.
So why are you not handling this now before she leaves?
I am. Our court hearing is 6/4. Can't believe it's in two weeks.
Try not to overanalyze everything and just take it one day at a time. What have the interactions been like with her over the weekend?
What's up, Mr. Bond! How you're doing good yourself.
The only way right now is to let God take control; I feel like I've done what I can on my side.
I had our son two nights in a row (Friday-Saturday, due to the last of her ER rotations), but my wife and I only "interacted" on Friday afternoon via text. She just sent this: "Scotty's party is Sunday afternoon." That's it. No pleasantries, no discussions, etc.
Rather than ignore what could be seen as a rude message, I responded nicely and offering an option for a location/time for a handover (hate that word).
When my wife came on Sunday evening to pick our son up, she came in with a solemn expression of her face. On her last day as a med student, she had lost her first patient, a 5-year old child in the ER. He was run over by a car. She described to me the incident, but mostly about how she felt and how she imagined our son being in that kind of situation. We both cried a bit for that boy and our son picked up on the mood and he started crying too.
He's been more emotionally sensitive than many children I've seen; he softly sobbed for almost 20-minutes. My wife asked if they could come inside the house, which we did. Eventually he got it out of his system (well, mostly - he was still sniffling in the car) and they left.
Yesterday (Monday), my son and I had been playing water pistols for a total of 1 hour out on the driveway. On a couple of occasions (while I was filling up our pistols) I had to stop our son from running out of the garage without waiting for me and/or stopping to look out for cars. Literally right after the second time, he does it again just as mom pulls in from the main street. She immediately points angrily at me from the car, pulls up and chews me a new one.
Of course, lacking trust, lacking information/context and with yesterday fresh in her mind, she goes on to say that I don't discipline him, that I don't admit to my own faults (just like I always have)....
I became unsettled and began to defend my stance, which in hindsight, I should've just shut up.
As she bucked in, she ended something to the effect of: "You'd rather not discipline your child properly just to be popular (with him)."
Is she envious of the things/activities I've been doing with our son lately?
"she goes on to say that I don't discipline him, that I don't admit to my own faults (just like I always have)...."
You really have to learn to stand up for yourself. I'm not saying to argue, but when she starts going in to you. Stop her and tell her that you will not be talked to in that way and that you have just as much experience of raising a child as she does. And that if she doesn't know the right way to raise a child then you are open to seeing a family C to discuss your son.
Then stop. I can't stress enough how much you need to demand respect from her.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Bad phrasing. I didn't mean to verbally demand. Although there are times that you need to tell someone you deserve respect in order to get their attention. Whatever works. Actions or words.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
