Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Let's see where things will take us...

Hey Bugsy, thanks for stopping by.

I haven't posted in a while and figured I could start again. I don't "really" think we're fully piecing, but I want to document the progress and see what happens.

I also wanted to point out my feelings of resentment, and see if anyone else might be going through the same.

It was such a stupid thing with the ex-bf...We had a short R just before H and I met, about 15 years ago. Didn't have contact, could care less. The whole FB thing happened, and people were "finding" friends on FB, so he friended me and we chatted for a couple of days, catching up and talking about stuff from the past (not R related, just talking about mutual friends). That was probably a couple of years ago or more. I stayed "friends" with him on FB, but no contact since then. When H brought it up again a couple of months ago, I didn't have a problem "un-friending" him, so I did, and told H that it really didn't mean anything to me. So there goes that.

I could just piss him off and friend another ex-bf, one he's actually sort of met (but refused to talk to him)..that would really set him off....jk

I just don't see how he's comparing a prior R from before we were even dating to having an EA WHILE we are married. We're talking apples and oranges here, but he's just so stubborn.

I agree with on complete transparency. IMHO, married people should have friends that they wouldn't want their spouse to at least meet.

We definitely are in a fragile place, I don't trust him, and he doesn't trust me.

If you study affairs at all, this is actually pretty "SCRIPT." It's a projection thing -- THEY are doing something that they know isn't right, so then they do this moral-equivalency thing where they accuse YOU of it. I've seen it either where they KNOW the comparison is ridiculous, or where they're so paranoid from their own immoral behavior that they actually do think you're up to something.

You handled it well -- unfriend the guy, to call your husband's bluff. But you should have gotten him to agree to the same.

Starsky

Hey nhmom! Just wanted to drop by and see what's going on in your sitch since you have been so kindly helping me in mine. First I must say I am envious and wish my W would have the same kind of seeming epiphany your H did. So what's new in the last month might I ask? Keep up the good work, a lot of people would LOVE to be where you are in your sitch I think... :-)

P.S. Isn't facebook amazing and the associated grief it causes amazing? lol

Hey Broken,

Thanks for stopping by! I haven't posted much lately as I wanted to make sure I wasn't getting ahead of myself, and wanted to see where the progress we've been having would take us.

Well, H finally agreed to erase OW from all sources of contacts...FB, LinkedIn, phone. Yesterday, he was on his work laptop using Skype. Without thinking really, I asked him if he had deleted her from Skype as well. He hadn't....said that he forgot. But he did a couple of minutes later.

For me personally, this step was necessary in beginning to heal from what happened. I feel that now I'm ready to put that behind me, to stop obsessing and being sad about it. I feel that now I am finally able to look to the future.

I know that we still have some work cut out for us. We need to learn better communication and conflict resolution skills. Every day I try to be mindful of the things he had a problem with. I try to make sure that he feels valued, needed, loved. I want to make sure that he feels that his opinion counts. I don't want to get too comfortable with how things are going. I know we're not done. I don't want to slip back into old habits.

H is not ready for MC yet, and my IC said yesterday that maybe we won't need it. So we'll see. All in all, I am very pleased and thankful with how things are going. We're kind to each other, affectionate, intimate. We try to spend more "us" time by going out to dinner or doing something else at least once a week. We check in with each other throughout the day. Day by day we're hopefully getting closer to a new kind of relationship. Oh, and we got a cat about a month ago

How did I miss this?

Cool!

Hey there NHM! I was wondering where your thread went, and here you are!



I did not realize that this significant event had occurred. That is truly a very big milestone and certainly an important one for you both to move forward.



This is all really great news. You've done a tremendous job and I admire your skill in navigating these incredibly rough waters.

I would only caution that although the OW may be out of the picture, it still doesn't mean that your H's head is completely out of the fog. I'm not trying to minimize your hard work. It just seems like there is still a lot of work to be done, which I think you realize. I'd hate for you and your H to declare victory only to find that some important issues that need to be resolved simply got swept under the rug.

I'm no expert regarding MC, but I think that some sort of group effort to work through some tough issues has to occur before you are completely out of the woods. I think you mentioned Retrouvaille as an option. Definitely keep that on your list of options. Also, your H's issues with abandonment from when he was a young child really seem to be something that require attention on your H's part. I fear continuing to neglect these will come back to bite you both in the future if not addressed.

I know these are things you know or have thought about. I just think that you need to keep them front and center as you continuing navigating this phase of your R.

I wish you all the best! (((NHM)))

Hey 2,

Yes, the "erasing" of OW was a fairly recent event. Like you said, it was a VERY important milestone and needed to be done before we can move towards any kind of "real" reconciliation.

I'm still conservative about putting it out too much and declaring victory. I don't really see it as victory, just a VERY important step.

I completely agree that we have a lot of work ahead of us, but I honestly don't know how to proceed from here. Now is the time to test what I've learned about M's and R's since the bomb. It is a time when we should address some issues we've had in the past, and hopefully both of us would want to be attentive to each other....make sure both of our needs are met....to talk about how we want our M to be....not be defensive and willing to accept any shortfalls.

But I don't know we can do all of that right now. I know H doesn't really want to talk about what happened. And if I ask him about what he wants in his future, he is not able to answer me.

With the recent events of erasing OW and a job change, I will not pressure him for now. I will let him get more acclimated with his new position, try to make it less stressful. But a time will come when we will need to talk about us, and just pretend to live like nothing happened. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to beat a dead horse with a stick (I really do hope the horse is dead!), I don't want to discuss OW. All I want is to make sure we're on the same path on our future. I do want to address the many differences that H said we had and why we needed to go our separate ways.

So yes, we do need some kind of help....we need to build better communication and conflict resolution skills, and he does need to address his own issues, which include abandonment issues.

I, too, am concerned that some his unresolved issues from the past will resurface again some time. And what if do something he doesn't like? Would this nightmare start over again? I don't think I'd want to go through this again, even if I was better equipped with knowledge I didn't have before.

I know I'm not out of the woods yet....I may see some light in the distance, but it is way in the distance. Slow and steady wins the race,

Btw, thanks for stopping by, 2. Your thoughts and support are much appreciated.

I haven't been posting much since I feel that I don't have too much to say, but here is a quick update:

Things are moving forward between H and I. He's been very loving and attentive (when he's around he seems to have a busy schedule between work and soccer).

I just came back from a business/personal trip overseas. I was away for 2 weeks, had a great time. H emailed a lot to tell me how much he missed me. We did Facetime a few times, too.

When he picked me and S up after we had a rather long trip back, he made sure to tell me that he cleaned, vacuumed, did laundry, etc. He seemed a bit disappointed when I didn't notice right away that he had cleaned my car (which is black with black interior, and it was midnight!), but I did thank him several times.

Tomorrow is our anniversary. I don't know if we're doing anything. MIL is not available to watch S, and we don't have other options. We may do something as a family, or may postpone it to next week. He had been talking about wanting to get new wedding bands.

We're driving down together to see his bio family this weekend as there was a death in the family. H used his "new" family as an escape during our difficult times. I am honestly not looking forward to seeing them. But this is not about me, so I will do my best to be supportive and friendly, and disregard any opinions they may have. I suppose it was a good sign that he wanted S and I to drive down and stay with his bio family, and go to the funeral. I haven't seen them in a couple of years, but H spent some time with them in March and came back from the trip with a different mind....like he suddenly realized what he was about to give up, and things have been on the upswing since.

I still go to IC once a month, but I'm thinking about stopping. I'm not sure I'm getting anything out of it anymore. My next IC appt is next week, so we'll see.

H is still not willing to do MC, and I won't push him. I may suggest it again at some point. Even though I am not looking forward to reliving what has happened, I feel that it is important to talk through, to get each others perspectives, to learn and to grow.

I still wonder what made him have a change of heart, but I'm afraid to ask. It's too soon. Maybe one day I will, but we're still too fragile for that. I wonder how someone can go from loving someone, to hating, and then to saying that they love them again. I remember too well the looks on his face during the first couple of months post bomb. It wasn't that he just felt indifferent about me anymore. His eyes were so full of hate. I wonder if he remembers that. Thinking about it doesn't actually hurt me anymore, I'm just curious.

The other day I was on LinkedIn and OW came up as a suggestion. H was near me when I was trying to figure out how to remove her from future suggestions. I asked H, but he didn't know. I think he knew why I was asking, because his answer was short and simple. Usually, he will try to figure it out. Seeing OW's name and photo didn't cause any reaction in me. I didn't get upset, angry, or whatever. A friend later told me how to remove her from the suggestions. Even though I felt nothing when I saw her, I would still rather not see her again.

I think this is pretty much it. Things are going pretty well.