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Hello AC,
Thanks for your post. Did you hear from your s this weekend? Hope you had a good holiday!

Folks:
I have been absent for quite a while as I attempt to GAL and focus on moving my life forward. Thought I would provide an update and ask a bit of advise.

Signed the formal separation papers in late January, and have not seen my STBXW since October. She was very incommunicado for months, and I have not attempted to push her. She stayed with an old boyfriend for several weeks after the court date, but then moved back to her home in another state a couple of months ago. She contacted me in April for some advise on a job interview, and we chatted for quite a while. She got the job, a temporary gig for a number of months late in the year. She really needed the confidence boost that scoring the job provided, so it was good for her psyche. She is still walking the fine line above depression,and fears falling back in. Since that time we have texted and emailed a number of times, and she seems glad to hear from me. I have been very circumspect, as I do not want to push her in any way.

She told me she needed to return to my town to go to some appointments later this month. She asked if she could stay with me, as I am the 'best friend she has back here'. She then sent me her itinerary, and she is planning on being here for 10 days! That was quite a surprse. To the best of my knowledge, she has not told anyone that she is coming for a visit.

Not really sure how to handle this, and I am doing my best to not read anything into it. It all seems very strange. I am going to go about my life, and if she wants to spend some time with me, that would be great. I do know she wants to go see my mother while she is here.

Why does this seem so strange?

Hey AC,
How much of the conversations are initiated by her vs. you?

There is an argument for both sides of the decision for her to stay with you.

One - is to have her come and show her the best you possible. Let her know what she has been missing.

Two - Don't allow her to come as the house is no longer her home and it is inappropriate for her to stay in your home.

Which would you like to do? Which do you feel would ring you closer to your w?

Maybe you should call a DB coach?

Thanks for the comments, V.
Most of the conversations are initiated by her...I am trying to stay detached......

I am opting for your first option. I have no idea what to think, but I do know to have NO expectations of ANYTHING

Report:
Things are quite bizarre these days, and do not know how to interpret them.

My XW (legal separation three months ago) came back to town for 10 days last Friday. Staying at the house, and everything is like normal, except for separate bedrooms. She was anxious at first, but now is having fun and enjoying herself. Having fun seeing friends, looking forward to seeing family. Does not seem to be a fascade. Very strange. Not sure I understand what is happening. I am confused.

I doubt XW understands either. Who knows what is going on? She could be feeling good because she is living the fantasy that you two will stay close friends (which really does not work.)

The question is this: why is she staying with you and how is it working for you?

I think she just might be living the 'staying good friends' fantasy, which, you are correct, will not work.

She is staying with me because "you are my best friend and I am more comfortable there than anywhere else in town"

She is getting into cooking, gardening, etc. Like she never left. Quite bizarre. Don't know what to think.

Saga continues. XW visit is ongoing...she has been in town for 4 days...we have been having alot of fun. She has told me she is very comfortable around me, likes bantering with me, says being here feels very normal.....tells me I am her best friend...

Is this sort of thing normal? Not really sure why she is here...what does she want?

Doing my best to keep expectations at zero. Kind of waiting for the shoe to drop....

IDK... is there ANYTHING that is normal about someone who ends a long term M, yet wants to remain "friends" with the person they left?

I think only normal in the sense that they are human and most people do not actually WANT to hurt someone. Especially not a "friend".

But I did find it interesting when you posted earlier about her telling you she would be in town and not really having anyone else to go to for accommodations... yet... she's busy visiting other friends... while staying with you...

Could she not have got a hotel room? Sure, expensive... but again, could she not have rotated her overnight schedule, distributing herself amongst other friends' homes as well as hotel rooms?

I am sure that there are those who would suggest she is just using you... I'm not the type of person to jump to that conclusion...

She MIGHT be...

But, if that is the case, she may be "using" you, in order to rebuild a connection... or trying to see if she can "feel for you" again... or even trying to get you to accept her as a friend...

She has an underlying motivation to be staying with you... that, I'd be sure...

The bigger question is... why did YOU want her to stay with you?

and... is it working for you?

Is she using me? Perhaps, but I don't think so...

Is she 'testing the waters?' Perhaps, but I don't think so...

Is she confused? Perhaps,but I don't think so...

Does she want something from me? Perhaps, but I don't think so...

Is the door open a crack? Perhaps, but I don't think so....

Do I have expectations? Perhaps, but I am trying not to...

Am I a fool? Perhaps.....