Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - It's A Choice

Me too, JS. I found the Forrester stuff and found it really helpful. I saw myself all over the triangle and am trying to climb out

Thanks JS,

You did not offend me. I appreciate your thoughts. If anything this board has taught me over the past year - it's to really look at all advice and see if there is any truth to it.

I suspect you are right with my w about grilling me again and a pattern beginning

Here was the previous pattern.

W - Persecutor
Val - too scared to say anything or stick up for myself.

Part of the reason I never stuck up for myself is because I would get "more grilling" or the silent treatment, or the guilt factor.

It is hard doing things knowing that my w will react in a way that I suspected she would

I'm not surprised by the grilling. I'm not surprised by any of her behavior...

... but I can't go back to the old Val.

And I wish I could say that I was in the phase - Where I just didn't care. But I'm not.

Even now I can say in honesty - that although I do this for me, I also do it show her that I'm done.

That I am saying "You DON'T get to do X anymore.. or Y".

And there is a part of me of hopes that she will change and it's more in the foreground than I would like...

... because I care about her. And there is still a part of me that still wants our marriage to work.

I know that will take a VERY long time to become healthy again. And that everything I do is MUDDY with emotions.

So I recently asked for help.....

... I'm ready for this to be over. I can't seem to make myself contact her in any way caz I'm too scared of what she will say. Too scared of how my heart will react.

I am living in fear.. actually I am not really living at all.

So I asked my friends to help me. Help me write the emails that I need to write to her. Do the final things that I need to do.

In some ways, my life has just turned into shambles and I want it to stop. God has been awesome at providing me the opportunities.... but he can't make me physically do anything.

I asked my friends to give ME some tough love. That moving forward is what I need. And that I'm scared and I'm going to "buck" against them a little bit.. but I know that I'm ready as I'm going to be and that... all the "bucking" is just fear talking.

They agreed.

I've given myself a June 1st deadline to be done with everything.

Today - I will work on finding my apartment. It is the messiest I have ever seen it.

Damn!t! I will crawl out of this hole!

Yes, you will I have every confidence you will!

Journaling:

Welp.. my apartment is clean. My need to want to move out has subsided slightly. I did look at some apartments today. None that struck my fancy. I'll continue to be patient.

I also didn't send w my April health insurance payment. I kept my boundary (not sending any more checks until she cashes the the previous month). She immediately cashed my March payment with my April car insurance payment so I'm glad my boundary is "working".

Man boundaries are so hard.

Anyway... while looking at the apartment I receive a phone call from her. I let it go straight to VM as I do all of her calls.

It was very pleasant.

-----
"Hi Val, it's w. I am wondering if we can set up a time where we can just sit down and talk and figure out where we are... and um.. kinda get on the same page.

Give me a call so we can talk about that... and I look forward to hearing from you. I'll talk to you soon..Hope you are having a good day.
------
It makes sense to me that she would call. After all that has been her style - email, call, email..

.. and it's been almost 2 wks and I still haven't gotten back to her about the accountant.

The thing that is hard is that.. it's the 2nd time in a row that she has suggested meeting in person about things that can either wait for the grand finale day or like the vm above.. doesn't really need to happen.

I try not to mind read... but I'm kinda stumped here....

i would have a really tough time not mindreading that message.

what do you think is best for you, val?

I’ve got a cleaning job for ya I’ve been keeping up on the basics, but fell behind on others.

There comes a point in this journey when you no longer need to patrol the borders. It is nice to have less tension.

You are wise not to mind read. Actions not words. I will not begin to speculate.

I will relate that there were several points on my journey when XW would be pleasant, then press for advantage, then press hard. She wasn’t getting what she wanted and if it went on long enough the rage was palpable. Very much like a child.

If you can remain detached enough and maintain bearing the tension may die down, if not walk away.

I know how this sounds, but sometimes I visualized one of my children having a temper tantrum. I probably appeared condescending then, but I didn’t really care how I appeared at the time. I cared about getting through the engagement with my honor intact.

I understand you may choose not to engage. Sooner or later you’ll have to share some space. I generally choose to meet things head on and get them over with once I’ve decided to do so. It is getting to the decision that is usually the challenge for me.

Decide what is right for you, for the Val to be, then execute.

(((Val)))

Do what you want to do Val. If you want to sit down and engage with her do so (in a neutral setting where you can exit if needs be)

If you don't think its in the best interest for you then politley decline or stay dark.


My .02

Best

Hey Val, I have been thinking about you since you posted about W wanting to meet. Hope you are okay. You are in my prayers. ((( )))

Thanks everyone! I really appreciate your advice, concerns, hugs.. all that you give.

I took a few days to clear my head.

Because I needed a change.. I needed to figure out how to move forward.

and now that I feel I have found my answer, I will share.. however I will do my best not to turn this into a novella.

The first 8 months of my S, I spent majority of it taking the "loving" approach. Taking the high road. Meeting my conversations with w in a loving way. No pressure to make her change, but in some ways - always waiting in the corner for her to walk towards me.

I always felt in my heart that I was being the best Val I could... but the pain of the confusion my wife's actions caused in my heart tore me apart. The pain seemed unbearable.

So I changed and went dark.

The last 5 months - I shifted my perspective to me. Learning how to set boundaries. Learning how to protect my heart Pushing off all of my conversations with her to avoid the pain. Trying to allow myself time to grieve and heal.

But I also told God that "loving" was just too hard. I was burnt out and unhappy. The high road came with too much pain... It came with no reward.

That I was fighting too hard to be kind and forgive - and for what?? No one saw what I was doing. My w's actions still say that she wanted NOTHING to do with me... my dad was still an a$$hole.

And that all the pressure was on ME to change. And it was a pressure I didn't want anymore.

And in that moment my pendulum swung from Love to Anger.

In alot of ways - I became selfish. In alot of ways - I quit

and even though in my heart.. there was always that little voice going "Val.. that's not you". I buried it. I silenced it with the fear that if I didn't learn my lesson now - I would always allow people to abuse me. More importantly - I would always allow my w to abuse me.

So on Thursday during a 6 mile hike - I 'duked' it out with God.

I told him out hurt I was, how angry I was. I told that I was tired.. and that I wanted to just live my life and be loving to everyone... and that included my w... but that I didn't want it to caz so much pressure. I didn't want every step to be a battle.

And in alot of ways God called me on my bullsh!t. I won't go into the dialogue as you will probably think I'm crazy - but here is what I discovered.

Yes - being on angry side of the pendulum helped in alot of ways. I needed to create space, I needed to learn how to create boundaries.

I needed to get it out... all of it. The D hurts..sure, the dating other people - of course.. but the root of my anger stems from how my w treated me. How in some ways she continues to treat me.

I needed to acknowledge it so I wouldn't be part of another abusive relationship....

.. but somewhere the acknowledgment started to build into the foundation of how to move forward with the guarantee that it would never happen again....

and somewhere my boundaries went from protecting myself to being about my wife. Letting her squirm instead of getting grounded in my moral code.

Teaching her... instead of learning myself.

... and on Thursday - God tore that down...

because I admit that being on this side of the pendulum.... SUKKS!

Just as I learned that being angry really only hurt me, I also freely admit that being loving - really helps me.

That although sometimes it is VERY difficult and there are days that I want to give up - the fight is well worth it...

because I felt better about me.. because I was loving me.

I'm still trying to work on the new gameplan. I will look for guidance in my friends. I will continue to look for guidance here on the boards.

Because, I think that whilst I'm still navigating my way to becoming a healthy Val - that being either on side of the pendulum completely is dangerous for me.

And with that... I stopped being dark and I called my wife.

But that my friends is another novella within itself.

Thanks for listening!

You are amazing, Val! Your ability to be honest with yourself throughout the pain and hurt is truly inspiring.

However...I feel like I am reading a great book and the last few pages have been torn out. Looking forward to hearing more about how you handled contact.

((( )))