Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Not sure where to start, Part 3

He's done this kind of thing before. He's told me stories about his family prefacing with "you probably dont want to hear this, but..." or something about his work saying "I probably shouldnt tell you this but...". It's rather confusing. He used to tell me that kind of stuff all the time.

My friends and family are very surprised that I am still being civil to H. They all think I should just cut my losses. I know I have to let go and I am letting go. But down deep I still love him and care for him. I can tell he is hurting and I can't help but empathize. I shudder to know what is going on in his head. Now granted I do not like what he has turned into. But I cannot help but think of the man I married and what saddens me is the reality That he may never be that man again.

I just keep focusing on myself and Being a better me. My goal (or one of them) is to get that glow from within.

This is so me!! I can relate to this 100%...

wh,
This sounds like script to me - at least it sounds like what my h says everyday when he calls me: "Sorry to interrupt you...." then there is a LONG pause, cause I don't know how to respond to this at all, and then he goes on to ask what time he should pick up the kids from school. And he uses this same preface every single time that he rings me.

And, on being civil - I know what you mean.

We've got to hang in there just in case they eventually come out of whatever mental turmoil they're in.

We would never be able to say we did all we could to save our M unless we did hang on and treat them as if they couldn't help what they are doing.

And we would not be able to walk away (if that is what eventually happens) knowing that we had been the best we could be in all of this.

Keep it up and remember the timeline for change is LONG (years, not months maybe). But we're all here for you, anytime you need.

Oy Veh...years?? Yikes! Double yikes!! It has only been three months for me and I don't know how much longer I can keep going...lol! But today is not the day I quit. Maybe tomorrow, but not today. I will keep trudging up the mountain.

It just seems to be that H is rebelling against me. He has always been so responsible and so considerate. He has always tried to do the right thing. When I met him I could tell he had such a beautiful soul and that's why I fell in love with him. I believed in him and I could see the good in him. I think that is why it is so hard to accept that he is being an inconsiderate @$$ now. It is such a 180 for him. He has turned against his family, ignores his friends, divorcing his wife, avoiding his kids...he has turned into a teenager and treating me like his mother.

The only thing a mom can do to help a rebelling teenager is to give them boundaries and let them live and make mistakes and be there if and when their teenager needs them. I have stopped doing "mom-like" things for H as well. I won't do his laundry, I don't make him dinner, I don't buy groceries/sundries for him unless he specifically asks. I don't call him unless regards the kids. I don't ask him when he will be home and I don't ask him where he is going. The kids may, but I won't. I don't pick up after him either. And actually this has been quite liberating. I have relaxed so much not doing these things and it has actually taken a bit off my plate and if I don't let his moods or actions affect me, I can actually be in a better mood.

I still miss him though. The old him, that is. It is hard to think about doing things with the kids this summer without him. I have to start making my own traditions and let him make his.

WH,

I understand what you mean about being the mom and him being the rebellious teen. As I look back on things, I took care of everything for my H, which is what I thought he wanted. Maybe he didn't...but then again, he didn't ever really do his part of the household work, so why would he want additional work, so I just took care of most things.

I miss my old H, too, but we have to realize that they are not there right now. Just keep GALing and making yourself happy, because if/when he comes back around, he'll come home to a happy you!

Thing is I don't know if he will ever come back around. Every time he looks at me I can see the pain in his face. He is ashamed and guilty, but that just makes him run away faster. And it seems the happier I am, the more ashamed and guilty it makes him feel.

His excuse for wanting a D is that he has feelings for me, but no romantic feelings for me. I think all his resentments and anger overshadowed those feelings of love. Maybe? So only time can help me out in that circumstance. Time and consistency. But it won't even start until she is out of the picture. I just can't compete and that is something that bothers me because I am a very stubborn, yet competitive person.

I just keep getting images of her on his phone. She looks so nice and sweet. I try to "thought stop" but it comes right back. I am not a "nice and sweet" person. I am very dynamic and outgoing and can be very assertive and sometimes aggressive (which I am trying to work on). I am willing to change the things I do not like about myself in order to Reconcile, but I am not willing to change my core values or who I am inside.

I keep focusing on how much H has changed, now it is time to look at myself and see how I have changed and if I like those changes or not. I don't think I do.

Compare and dispare. Don't compare yourself to woman you are not nor would ever what to become. Work on yourself and being yourself not some sweet/nice version

I can completely relate to how you feel, wh. I am also very assertive, competitive and stubborn. It's difficult, especially when it feels like at the moment I can't be who I am and I don't want to change who I am fundamentally, but I do need to work on my own issues at the same time. Unfortunately, my issues are a defensive mechanism from being abused as a child (no vulnerability or weakness so it won't happen again is how i dealt with it). It was a successful defense mechanism in that it helped me deal with a really traumatic experience in one piece (for the most part), but it makes me wonder if this really is who I am?

I find it's hard to bite my tongue at times, but I'm getting better at this. I just have to run everything past a filter with H, whether I want to or not. You are right, though, in that it will never get better while OW is still in the picture, but the more you fight it, the more she will appeal to him.

Triple Dog Yikes......years for a change????? Holy Batman.....I know I will NOT be holding on that long!!!!

W&H...I know how you feel. Throughout ALLLLLLLLLLLL of the other women I always did the ultimate wrong to me..I compared myself. I devalued myself, and thought that if only I was younger, prettier, more skinny, etc, etc etc. I am starting to like me again...and hopefully one day soon..GASP...love me again. I want to love myself before I committ to anyone else again. I lost that with H...I lost sight of my core values and my moral compass. That is something I will never allow to happen again.

I believe as women we are our own worst enemies. We will tear each other down, steal each other's men, and destroy lives without a thought. Never lose sight of who you are, and the light that shines within. I do believe contrary to what some on here think, that the other woman does play a role in the demise of a marriage. Did they cause it..NO. But they sure as heck helped add gasoline to the already towering inferno! I just will never believe that the other person does not know that she or he is being lied to. I just won't. They too willingly believe all the crap that is being shoveled to them. What they do with it, is what seperates us from them. I would NEVER be involved with a married man. Even seperated you are still married by law. Cheating is cheating no matter how pretty a bow you tie on it.

AprilT You just repeated what my C just told me. You go girl! He couldn't believe how some women just seem to set out to hurt other women.

H is trying to be the "hero" with OW and with me he just plays "victim". When we first met he mentioned something about being my knight in shining armor and I thought he was joking. He wasn't. Funny thing is when we first were together I was the one who was saving him, not vice versa. Besides, I am not holding out for a hero. I want a partner.