Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Need Advice -- Nearing the breaking point... AGAIN

Hi all,

It's been a while since I've posted.

My WAW continues with the OM -- almost a year now. But she has reconnected with me a number of times in recent months. I went dark in October, and in January after a vacation with him she contacted me out of the blue and said how much she missed me, how she missed our love making, our connection, etc. I responded VERY positively with interest in reconciliation, and she shut down immediately saying being vulnerable to me would be the silliest/scariest thing she could ever do.

Since then she has continued intermittent contact with me (every 1-2 weeks), usually through a simple text or IM with some friendly banter. During the last few months, I have maintained civil discourse, but have generally avoided showing any neediness or interest. She's like a bird, and she keeps landing more and more on my hand, but then flies away again. We finally had lunch a month ago, and it went well, but not great. I talked too much, and we ended up talking about the R. She said "I wish it had worked out." And I rambled about my Al-Anon step work, and how much I've changed. She also talked about how "scarred" she is from the whole experience. After lunch she wrote me, "I feel so strange." I wanted to reply, "That's called love." But I didn't.

Anyway, I'm now at a crossroads... I'm losing patience and she continues with this guy. She has a habit of convincing herself things are right for her when they are obviously not. Like with the OM. They are total opposites, but he adores her and she just wants to feel safe. But I'm starting to wear thin. It's been a year, and I'm just about all used up. I'm coming VERY close to asking her to leave me alone. No more check-ins. No more IMs with "Hey you!" Nada. Until she is ready to have a serious conversation with me about reconciliation.

The waiting is making me miserable, ineffective at work, and generally unable to move on and meet someone else. Do I want her back? Absolutely. Am I willing to sacrifice another year waiting? Not a chance.

So, am I shooting myself in the foot by drawing a boundary with her? Or should I just stop responding to her texts with no explanation? Is that "Going Dark?" Or should I maintain the current civility pattern: She reaches out, I respond, two weeks go by, she reaches out, repeat...

What to do? I need support. Badly.

- DBer in SF

DBer I think you have not followed DB at all. You are sharing your W with OM? It doesn't look like you set any boundaries. Yes set boundaries and move on. If you don't have kids I would go dark and ask her to not contact unless there is an emergency.

Are youGALing? If not it is highly recommended. Don't sit there waiting and watching life go by. It does you no good. Thinking of you my friend

I agree with Rick, if she's with OM, do you want to share her? You cannot reconcile with OM in picture. With my sitch, that is non-negotiable. W knows she made a mistake and I forgive her, she also knows that if she wants to live in this house and be a family, I will tolerate any contact with OM. Now I have to trust her too and that is an ongoing thing with me, but I believe she's doing her best.

We are both working on R now and I think it'll work out, but I think if I found out again about OM or lies about it, I would leave her and move on. God, family and myself know I've tried, but that I truly think would be my breaking point. I will not do this again with her or any woman. I made that promise to myself.

Rick,

Not following DBing? Please elaborate. I thought I was following by the book until my slip in January when I told her I wanted her back after she told me how much she missed me.

Just so we're clear, she left me in April '11 and met OM in May. They've been together ever since. He's a "filler" rebound kind of guy... no real career, no real spark or personality, but she feels SAFE with him b/c he feels like he won the girlfriend lottery. She's dynamic, beautiful, Spanish, etc...

So, you're saying I need to draw a hard boundary and go dark? For some reason I though I needed to play the "understanding patient" card here.

As for GAL, I'm all over it. I've never been so fit, I'm starting a new company, I run a morning workout class in the park, I just recorded an album of original new music. Basically, every woman I meet wants to marry me -- except the one I want back.

And full disclosure, she left me because I went AWOL emotionally. I hung her out to dry as we do, and she went WAW on me.

- DBing in SF

Hey DBinSF,

You're about 4 months ahead of me in this wicked game and I feel your pain man. I am pretty well you are in the thought process at this point, I don't think there's a lot more of this I can take. OM was involved at the start of my sitch, I can't confirm or deny if they're seeing each other now but they do remain FB friends so they probably still communicate...

I don't have specific advice beyond going dark, which I have tried to do many times and failed. I have been successful in spurts longest being about three weeks that I broke last weekend.

It sounds like you are well on top of GAL, that is probably the best thing you can do to try keep your mind off the sitch. It sounds like you have your mojo back if the ladies are all over you, going dark and not responding to her for some time could really make her think... That's what I'm going to try next and in theory that will include not contacting her over mothers day or our anniversary.

Just my .02 and my well wishes to you and your sitch, keep your chin up and good luck!

SF,

I'm as big of a "boundaries" guy as anyone on this forum, but I don't think you're in a position to set any (other than the usual ones like refusing to talk to her if she's shouting at you, or not tolerating her texting OM in front of you or something like that). Just the biggie of "I cannot live in an open marriage," which I assume she already knows.

You can't really lay out your dealbreakers until a wayward spouse ASKS you to take her back.

The mistake you made was a very, VERYcommon one around here, in that you LEAPT at the first opportunity she presented to you, and you scared her off with your neediness. A cautious "Hmmmm, I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm afraid it's not that simple anymore," followed by continued distance (and maybe some dates, that SHE pursued), was called for.

Can you get back to that place again do you think?


Starsky

SF, I'm confused. Reading your old posts, you say you were engaged, and I'm not seeing where the two of you ever married. Yet now you're calling her your "WAW."

Are you two married? Still engaged? Other?


Starsky

We were never married. Broke up 8 before the wedding. I call her WAW because that's basically what happened. Same symptoms, but no official papers.

SF

ok, gotcha. Thanks.

So, how do I get back to that place of her knocking on MY door? She has kept up a semi-regular routine of touching base once or twice a month (aside from me proactively reaching out once last week, to which she responded "Funny, I had a dream about you last night.").

And a little over a month ago she asked to SEE me to get something back from her. I had offered to drop in the mail and she preferred to meet in person. We met and she said how much she WISHED we had worked it out. Then she followed that up by saying that I seem like I had really transformed during the year apart, but that she was only "scarred."

I don't know what I keep doing wrong. I made sure not to cling or be needy during that exchange, but I kept my energy open. I said I was open to whatever the future brought. At one point I was talking a lot about my "recovery" and she said I didn't need to justify myself to her. At that point, I started asking more questions about her and her family. Small talk stuff.

So, what's my next move? Continue to be nice and cordial when she pings me once/twice a month? Go dark unexpectedly? Or send her a kind but firm note that says us being in touch while I'm still in love with her and she's with OM is not fair to either one of us?

I just so wish this was over. I miss that little monkey so much...

SF