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Well, not sure how things are going right now. H and I had a serious talk today. I don't think he realizes how serious, but I think I'm probably going to move out. He said that we're not in love, we're pretty much like "buddies" or roommates and, honestly, I can't disagree with him. He said he doesn't really think we can fix this and that we'll never really be happy. Well, I'm not willing to live with that. Seriously, I'd kill myself if I was going to live the rest of my life like this. I can't do it.

I asked him about me moving out and asked would he be upset, he said he would, but that I had to do what made me happy. It won't make me happy, but I don't even really know any more. I asked him what his parents' would say, he said he'd never hear the end of it. I don't know what to do.

I honestly feel like packing up my stuff and leaving. What is the point? I love him, but I don't think he loves me. I just can't do this any more. I don't want to make any stupid decisions, but I can't live in limbo. I asked him if he meant what he said by if we ever divorced, he wouldn't sue me for spousal support, he'd take the $2k from our savings he contributed and his books and I could have everything else. I don't know. I'm scared. I don't want to divorce him, but I don't want to stay if this is it.

I think I'm going to call the IC. I'm supposed to cat sit for my parents tonight. I just don't know what to do. H is going to a party for a friend. I'm supposed to be going, too, but I think I'll skip it. I just don't feel like going. I feel out of sorts. I have been since my IC session, really.

I think the crux of the matter is H doesn't think I can change.

I probably screwed everything up today.

I don't know if I can change.

If anyone is reading this, can you please give me some advice? I just don't know any more.

You don't need to decide anything right now.

Focus on you. Work on GAL to build your confidence and peace of mind. Give him space and time.

Why would you move out? If he's the one not committed to the marriage shouldn't he move out?

We're living in his parents' in-law apartment. I hate living here, which is part of the problem and I feel like I can't stay here if he moves out.

Ok then maybe moving out makes more sense.

Actions speak louder than words. H doesn't think you can change but if you do change then what?

Just do it, make whatever changes you need to make, for yourself.

Thanks so much. Just talked me down from the ledge, lol. I was considering packing my crap tonight and getting out of here. I'm going to wait to speak to my IC and see what she says. She told me to call her any time. Right now, I'm going to focus on getting my ducks in a row. If I do move out, I know I can stay with my parents for now, but I want to have my own space. I will need to change a lot anyway, and GAL is just a helpful part of that.

I'm going to call a friend and see if she wants to go for coffee tomorrow. I might go to a movie by myself tonight.

do you think you can change? i've changed and my husband had told me previously that "people don't change". now, he's seeing the changes and has made positive comments, even one today.

i think you should go to the party with him tonight. would that be a 180 for you? to go to a party and have a good time and put your fears and anxiety in a compartment and make the most of the evening? you said it's "for a friend"? wouldn't it be good to do it for that friend and let it take some of your thoughts about yourself out of your mind for a while?

show him that you can still have a good time with people. show him how you can still have fun and good conversations. show him how good you look and smell when you go to parties.

just my thoughts. you may have a great time after all..!

You're right, scared silly. I will go. I usually end up having a good time, so I might as well go and enjoy myself.

Besides, I have a bottle of wine that me and my friend can split (it's his birthday). Not really comfortable drinking home alone, lol.

I wouldn't move. That's a big decision to make right now, and right now you need to focus on things you can change if you want a R. I think moving makes things a bit harder and is a distraction on the work you need to do. "IF" he moves out, then worry about it then.

Go GAL. Do your 180s.

Good for you!! Just be careful with the alcohol. That's when I usually put my foot in my mouth! Moderation... Have a great time!

Thanks, everyone. I went to the party, did have a little too much to drink, but held my tongue and had a great time. I'm suffering a little for it today, though.

Normally, when I'm not feeling the greatest (self-inflicted or otherwise), I tend to stay home and veg. Well, H wanted to go to a movie today and I decided to go, as well.

I've also made a decision. There's a support group for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse tomorrow night. I'm going to go. Not sure if I'll share much, but I just need to talk to other people who have been going through what I have.

H doesn't think I can change. Well, I'm not irreparably damaged. I can improve myself. I can better myself. I can do this.