Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Fighting against fears and nightmares

Thank you. Every time I read this it really does help me understand it.

I'm struggling with the trust part, but it's coming back slowly.

No problem. It's similar to post traumatic stress disorder. As long as your H continues to show you that he can be trusted, it will bring a little of that wall down. Then you will get the peace of mind you've longed for.

Ctflor,

I'm sorry for all you have been through as well as for the fears you still have. How do you get through the anniversary? Well, it's not easy, but nothing about piecing is. You just remind yourself, multiple times if needed, that things are different...BETTER...this year and will be from here on out. Leave the past in the past and focus on the here and now. Chances are that your H doesn't even remember the date of the bomb drop (I know my H doesn't), so it's just your own personal hell you are going through alone. I'll be praying for you as the date approaches. Do something good for you and for you and your husband. Make this a NEW anniversary with something great to remember and celebrate!

You hit the nail on the head about refusing to forgive...it hurts no one but me. I am a woman of great faith and remind myself constantly that I am forgiven so therefore I am to forgive. It's easier said than done, especially when you are dealing with a person with no regrets. I am working on it and will continue to do so. As you said, some days are better than others, and some are worse. The triggers are there and I recognize those and am dealing with them in better, healthier ways. Still, it's not easy, and I welcome any and all advice on how to better deal during the tough times.

Hang in there and know that you are on the right path. Again, give yourself a break for when times get tough. This is difficult to recover from, but you have the right tools to help you do so.

take care, ncl

I kind of faced the whole bomb drop anniversary openly in counseling yesterday. I had been carrying it around and it was building up so when H and I were talking with the priest, I just let it all out. You know what surprised me?! He said, "I know, I was thinking about this too and I want to do something so we don't have to think about that".

His emotions are still raw and he's carrying around a lot of guilt about things. For a few months, I was not in a good place last fall and I actually wanted him to feel guilty and as horrible as I did. But I don't want that for him, I want him to be released from his pain or whatever he is carrying. He says that he still feels bad for what he put me through.

I've been careful to not bring it up and remind him of it, but small things like the stupid songs that come up do this.

As I continue forward with my healing, I want him to be able to heal too.

As a couple, we are closer now than what we were when we got married. Which is pretty amazing. Something positive and good has come out of what happened. Our communication is so much better too.

I still have my days where I feel fearful inside but I turn it around by telling myself that if he did leave, I will be OK and I will go on. This seems to calm the anxieties.

So, bomb drop anniversary is coming in about a month. I'm keeping busy because I don't want to really focus on it. It's a bad memory, like other memories of things that happen in life. I want to move on and not give it so much energy, but some times I find it creeping in.

H and I talked about what we want to do on that day. He wants to go out and do something positive like see a movie and dinner, or down to the river. I think what would be good is not to marker it by actually doing something positive to cover up the feelings. I guess that doesn't make sense but in a way it does. I asked H if he would be okay with just making it a usual day around here. Barbeque, maybe a redbox, and hanging out talking as we do each evening. Why do something special on bomb drop anniversary to try and placate the bad memory? Maybe I'm off but that's kind of where I am with that. If h insists that he needs to do something on that day then I will be happy to.

Still having some bad dreams off and on, but they are not affecting me as badly as they usually do. I'm shaking them off a little easier, rather than waking up and crying for 1/2 an hour.

I feel like h and I are in a good place right now. I'm really happy with how things are going between us, and we are learning a lot about our relationship.

Lately we are having a good time with each other.... lots of laughing, and I feel very blessed that he's here, and everything is okay for us.

So we made it past bomb drop anniversary. I had a tough time on the 4th. Broke down sobbing in the kitchen. All of the memories of his wanting to leave me, and how horrible the 4th was last year just overtook my entire being. I started shaking and crying uncontrollably, once the big fireworks in town started going off, and I could hear them. Every painful feeling and anxiety just blew up inside of me.

H came in to get some stuff and he saw me, and immediately grabbed hold of me and held me until I regained myself. It has been a really long time since I broke down. He looked into my eyes and apologized, and said "I'll never put you through that again. I want to be with you for the rest of my life." and a few other re-assuring words.

Once I got past this, and we talked a little, we went off to enjoy the fireworks and had a really good evening together. H told me at the end of the night how happy he felt, and how glad he was that he didn't make a mistake in walking away from us. It felt good to hear him say this.

My h is looking into studying a pastoral program. I'm really happy for him that he has found a lot of peace for himself.

At our last C session, he told the counselor that last summer was a horrible time for him. That he was scared and anxious and felt like he was going through hell.

Sometimes I get up and feel like it's not real and he's going to walk away. That niggling anxiety is still there sometimes.

I feel that with time, it should improve, but I also think it's normal.

I really have to tell myself from time to time when I feel anxious that I WILL be okay if he walked away. That I can be a strong woman, capable and live on my own.

H and I continue to learn more about each other. It's so funny how you spend over a decade with someone and you think you know them inside and out. Last night we went for a drive and we were talking about songs our parents listened to. He started belting out Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton "Islands in the stream" and I was laughing, cause I had no idea that he knew that song. I joined him and we sang together and it was hilarious. I looked over at him and felt amazed that we can still find out things about each other that we didn't know.

Our relationship has actually become stronger since the BD. I really do think that is strange. But it has changed, and it has forced a change in each of us. he says that he appreciates me more and feels lucky to have me. Over the winter, we hold hands more, we take more time for each other, and we have more fun together.

I just hope that.... we will continue down this path and that things will continue to get stronger. I'm really thanking God that he and I are where we are at right now.

Obsessive fears, creeping back in at times. I wake up some mornings lately, feeling short of breath, anxious, and worried. Mostly worried that he's going to sail right back to where he was last summer. I feel as if there are times, it is difficult to control the fear and I end up feeling like a wreck inside. I cried again the other day when a song came on the radio, bringing last summer back again. This is kind of the second melt down I have had since the 4th of July. Our MC assures us that this is normal and that it will improve over time, and H will hold me and reassure me through these moments that overwhelm me. Sometimes it feels strange to get such support from the very person that caused me this level of hurt. Sometimes, I find that I still have not completely forgiven his actions.

I worry that if this goes on for too long, it will affect our relationship but, h seems to have an understanding and a patience that this is something he wants to work through so we can "get back to where we were"

And that is just the thing. We are never going to be the way we were. We are different now, and we cannot go back. But sometimes he thinks that once we work through my fears and some of the emotional trauma, that we will be back to 'normal' again.

Something I really need to address in MC in a week.

Other than these moments of anxiety that have been creeping in, things are going pretty good with our R.

Forgot to add, H said last week during our visit with the priest that he was feeling "very peaceful" inside, and happy with our M and where it is at, despite what has happened.

Why can't I feel that peace?

Wow, Ctflor. I've been reading your posts, and I must say that I can relate on so many levels. We are now 5 months since I discovered he had rekindled the affair with OW and 2 months since I learned that when we were separated he also had a sexual relationship with another woman. So I have thoughts of two women constantly popping in my head. They often turn up in my dreams, or a song, TV show, something that is said, etc. This happens to me pretty much on a daily basis and I hate it. The thing is, H has been doing all of the right things and we are probably closer now than we have ever been in our marriage.

But the fear is constant. Although he has not given me reason to think this, sometimes I think that he will start up a new affair or rekindle one with one of these women and pick up and leave like he did last time. I know that this time I would be much stronger and I know that I could live and even thrive without him. But the fear of going through this again can be paralyzing at times.

It's like a little piece of me says not to surrender my whole heart to him for fear of another betrayal. I don't know how long it will take me to get past this. I pray that things will ease in time, and like you say, I can "feel the peace."

Crflor:



Because:



Is he deserving of forgivness?
IF so...

What is stopping you?

Do you think someone should suffer before you forgive them?
Or do you think that forgivenss of others is actually a gift you give yourself?