Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - It's A Choice

well.. that was clearly a reaction.

Vent over. I'm good.

I have written and rewritten my response many times 25. The first came off like a novella, the 2nd time I sounded like I was complaining. Neither sounded very attractive.

Thank you for helping me realize I am angry... and that it is my anger that is fueling this desire to tell her.

And although I don't want the anger to consume me, I can't deny that it is there and will be for awhile.

It bothers me that the dynamic of my marriage was an unhealthy one. That it is because of the abuser/enabler duo that I can't be myself with her.

I know that I am to blame as much as her for creating this dynamic.. so it is my place to change it... but this whole new way of being dark and keeping things businesslike feels unnatural.

It's not how I treat loved ones. He!! it's not even how I treat strangers or people I dislike.

However it is what it needs to be now until I get healthy. I.. intellectually get it..and know that it is right and needs to happen... but my heart doesn't understand because it's always so willing to love.

And even though she has hurt me more than words can express... I still love her. And should God give us another chance one day... I know I could forgive her.

I know this because I want to forgive her now. I know this because when someone calls me out on my actions like you did in regards to the taxes, I look at myself and say:

1) That is not the Val I want to be
2) That is not how I want to treat my w

It's been a rough year but I feel I have grown. I rarely have any problems owning my half of my marital problems.. but sometimes... i just wish she would own her part.

I get it.. it's over. We're moving on.. but seriously.. she treated me poorly in alot of ways.

Ways that are still similar to this day.

And instead of that fueling my fire to say "Man.. I am SOO thankful I don't have x anymore or y fear"...

... I revert back to somehow blaming myself or expecting myself to change....

... or being mad at myself that I'm NOT better yet.

instead of just ACCEPTING it.

Accepting the fact that my w won't treat me with the same respect that I treat her. That she won't get past herself to think of me.

I get that we all have feelings that motivate our actions.. but I live by a moral code that we should always check our hearts and be accountable for them as well.

I live the DB life. I try to live the Christian life.

And I do my best not to fault my w or keep a score card because there are days I fall short....

.... honestly I get tired from time to time.

Some days it's hard to constantly look at myself.

so while I TRY to accept that my w also may have those difficulties.. some days it's hard to not have expectations of her.. because even though she says she feels she tries to handle this as best she can. I still feel like overall.. she is the same person.

And I am not..

If I have gained anything in the past year.. it has been self confidence and self worth.

I have surrounded myself with people who respect my feelings. They may not like me all the time, but they respect me.

My wife does not.

And honestly.. I wish she did. I wish she respected me enough to apologize. Not for the divorce, but for all the times she put me down, made fun of me, told me I wasn't good enough, gave me the silent treatment, punished me for being a "lipstick lesbian" and the list goes on and on.

But I can't make her. Only God can change her heart.

So whether it is because I am angry, or because I want her to change that fuels this desire... I will keep my thoughts to myself.

And I will have faith that IF I am ever to receive that apology from her... it will not be on MY terms.

It will be on GOD's terms. And only he will know when my heart is open to receive it. Only he will know when I have truly forgiven.

I need to continue to hand this over to him.

Thanks 25.. for helping me to remember that.

And yes.. I plan on GALing the Sh!t out of my summer...

... and that CAN INCLUDE slapping DueInMays husband around.

Val,
A few years ago XW and I visited our son. He met us in Williams, AZ and we traveled to the Grand Canyon for a few days. We took a short day hike down the Bright Angel trail. Late in the day standing on the south rim tracing our path the enormity of the canyon struck us.

To me this journey is like that. We will one day appreciate the enormity of it when we make it to the other side or back up the canyon wall. Until then we can only appreciate the path when we look back or when another having traveled here before gives us pause to look.

Another way this journey is like that hike is we each must put in the effort while carrying our own kit. I will share water and split another’s load. To do so they have to be on the same trail traveling in the same basic direction.

On this journey my XW decided to hike a different trail. She may someday marvel at the enormity of this effort. To do so she must complete her own hike and make her own discoveries. I must trust she will be safe and make those discoveries. Not to find her way back rather to find her path to herself, for she must do so to find her peace and only then will she begin to truly look inward.

Do what you need to do for you. You cannot carry her load for her. She is on a different path. Even if she were on the same path taking all of her load alters her experience. To my thinking it lessens the experience.

Oh and I want in with May’s husband also. A verbal lashing keeping within the finest traditions to start. If that does not motivate a knife strike across his throat giving pause to think.

Hey val I know you're venting.

BUT

it is like getting mad at a child.

YOU are the giving person in this relationship and have always been

She is the TAKER and she will take according to the measure you give her.

She may never learn differently unless you show her a different way.

I think this may be true.. and that's what I'm struggling with.

I kinda just don't wanna teach her anything.

But it's not just a lesson for her, it's a lesson for me as well.

And that's the perspective I need to have.

For example: w cashed first two payments after grilling me about not sending March's payment because she didn't cash my previous payments....

... so once again I have to not send April's payment to show her that I was serious and that she does not get to keep money that is dedicated to me paying my health insurance.

Is this a healthy move - sure..

.. but it's frustrating nevertheless

Val, we’ve journeyed together for a while. I do not remember if I have posted this and it has been around this board a bit so you may have already been down this path.

No offense intended. It seems to me you are dancing on the triangle again. My R was co-dep and I understand enabler, prosecutor. I believe there is more to it as described on the triangle.

The Forrest take on the Victim Triangle speaks to me. If this all seems too obtuse it is intentionally so to stay in TOS. Try a Google search.

I acknowledge you may also have been here, done that and sold the t-shirt already

Thanks JS.

You have posted about the triangle and I am familiar with it..

..but I'm not sure how I am dancing on it again.

Are you saying I am being the prosecutor?

I'm trying to NOT be the enabler?

I would love to not do the triangle at all.. but I don't know how to break the cycle with her other than what I'm doing..

I feel like if I give her the check that she can walk all over me, if I don't - I'll get sh!t upon.

It feels like a lose/lose either way.

I can't think of a reason that God has allowed my w to act the way she has....

.... other than to teach me that my heart is worth protecting, and I need to learn to set healthy boundaries..

... and love in a healthy way.

Val, Brace, Brace, Brace for I fear I may offend. I am fighting my tendencies to avoid conflict.

I perceive drama and emotion here that is not serving you. I perceive this hurting you.

Bluntly put this is what I see.


W Persecutor
Val Victim


W Persecutor
Val Victim


Val Persecutor

Why try to show her anything in this manner? She’ll only see what she wants to.

I suspect she’ll play victim over not receiving the payment. I suspect she’ll shift to persecutor and grill you again over payment.

I know I am speculating. I perceive a pattern beginning.

I understand your anger. Try and let it go. To me it seems to be doing you more harm than good. To me it seems to be serving W more than you.

Bingo!

Signed,

A reformed fixer and enabler.

Great post JS, really helped me, hope is helped you too, Val.