My W had text me saying that she missed me and wanted to see if I'd be free for dinner last night (Sunday), as it's been two weeks since we'd seen one another. I agreed to get some dinner with her.
As she has the last two times we've seen each other in the 6 weeks since she moved out, I was greeted with a wonderful embrace. Conversation was generally light and playful (there was a lot of laughing). She brought up the M, and frankly, I think we discussed the relationship more than we should have.
There were many confusing messages I took out of this meeting. For instance, she admitted to lightly "stalking" me on social media (always wanting to see where I am, who I am with or what I am doing). She tells me several times she misses me so much and thinks about me every day. Hopes that we do work out.
Then she tells me she's just not sure what the next step is, that she's trying to figure out how she feels. Tells me she's thinking about going off the pill (to which I said "that tells me you have no interest in resuming a marriage with me right now.)
She also keeps talking about how she wants to see me again next weekend and how difficult it is to go home alone. I'm 99.99% sure there is not another man. I just can't see how that's even feasible right now. Oh, one other interesting discussion topic last night - the wedding ring. She's still wearing hers. I took mine off when she left. She feels hurt by this since I'm "putting it out there that we are separated." I said no, if I wanted to put it out there, I'd change my relationship status on Facebook. And that I am indeed legally married but am not in a marriage.
Through this dinner, we laughed a lot and had fun. There were touches, kisses and long gazes into each others eyes. There is chemistry though the the sex struggle has been a major, of not the major, issue in our M for the last year.
I'm trying to create an environment where she sees what's she's potentially losing, and wants to get back into MC together.
I see our MC tonight (alone). I'd like to get my W back in counseling but dont feel I should broach the subject. If there is one word that describes this entire situation to me it's "confusion." I am just so confused.
Then she tells me she's just not sure what the next step is, that she's trying to figure out how she feels. Tells me she's thinking about going off the pill (to which I said "that tells me you have no interest in resuming a marriage with me right now.)
A 180 would have been to keep your mouth shut!
Maybe she wants to have children with you.
Or maybe the PILL is causing all her problems with your marriage. Going off of it may be the BEST thing that could happen.
Rethink what YOU are doing and saying here.
Maybe validating would have been a better choice. And then keeping quiet.
I agree with Cadet. When i read that line my immediate thought was that maybe you guys had agreed not to have kids? Your W may be confused by that statement too
Me 33, H 34 T 15 (on and off, 7 years this stretch) M 4 DD 3 OW July 2010, IDLY - Oct 2010
1st sep 28/5/11-14/8/11 (my idea) OW confirmed 25/11/11 (H travelled with OW 26/11/11) I moved out 3/12/11
There have been studies that show that going on or getting off birth control has destroyed marriages. In some cases if you met her while she was on, and gets off it may cause issues, if she wasn't on and gets on after she meets you that may cause issues too. That and birth control affects levels of hormones which regulate our general moods.
In my case my W switched methods, and things have dramatically changed for us. Of course I've also been DBing my butt off for the last year so that has helped too. As for her saying she misses you and such it's a good sign. Keep at it. Remember to return roughly 85 to 95 percent of the affection she gives to you.
It sounds childish but she needs to feel that you will be there for her if she changes her mind, but that last 5 to 15 percent you withold is so that she is reminded that she needs to commit to get 100% and that you won't wait forever.
Sex has been a very contentious issue in our M. I always wanted it. She didn't. I explained to her recently that sex doesn't end after the wedding. Low to little sex is a symptom of other problems in the M. She completely agreed. Hindsight is always 20/20, but there were (a lot of) times when I was needy for sex. Showed neediness, desperation, etc. Very weak and pathetic. I kick myself now. This neediness, etc, surely manifested prior to the lack of sex, thus causing the loss in desire from my W. She didn't lose her sex drive; she lost her attraction to me.
6+ weeks after my W moved out, I read the 35 or so points that are the cornerstones of successful DBs. I've been somewhat successful; I've failed in following others.
We had dinner on Saturday. It was a very nice night, sort of a date in a way. Dinner then a show. Stayed with her on Saturday night. We had a serious conversation on Sunday morning. It's clear to me there's a long, long way to go and the work that needs to be done is on my end. And I need to back way off and cut the communication. She still texts and I still reply, but I just need to keep focusing on myself. I don't know where this will end up, but I am just trying like hell to follow a somewhat coherent plan for working on myself (while successfully DB'ing). Thanks...
I'm having a difficult time the past few days. I really would like to text my W (we last text a couple simple pleasantries this past weekend). Over the past 6 weeks it has almost seemed that we were dating. And I don't want to date my wife- a person who has clearly lost interest in me. Now I'm not hearing anything from her and I'm concerned. Does the H who was walked out on have any obligation to continue this communication after a "dating" like scenario after the separation? I've probably made this more complicated than it needed to be and I'm kind of kicking myself now. The urge to communicate is hard to resist. Need guidance.
I was just reading an article about the fact that the WAS will "touch down and take off" several times. It illustrates that they are torn. When they "touch down" they are trying on being nice and reconnecting with you, and then they "take off" to regain their space.
For you, know this is a normal part of the process. If you pursue them when they take off, you sabotage yourself. Be there when they touch down, be fun to be with. Do NOT escalate. If she hugs you, don't kiss her. If she kisses you, don't say ILY. You need to follow the affection, but not lead it or inititate it.
Same with contact. If she reaches out, you can engage. If she doesn't, you don't either. Having her wonder what you're up to and watching you on social media is the best thing you have going for you right now. Make it fun to watch. "Check in" from interesting places. Don't give a full accounting of why you were there or who you were with. Make it slightly mysterious.
As others have pointed out, the more independent you appear, and the more she realizes that you are not just "sitting on the shelf waiting for her to return" the better your prospects. People like to pursue, and pursuing without risk of losing isn't that fun. The reason dating can be so exhilarating is that you're not in control and the other person can "opt out" at any time. The fun is in seeing them come back when they don't have to.
If she sees you getting out and living your life you will be best served.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Accuray - that is really a wonderful post. Thank you so much for the feedback.
As I have written a few times here, I'm torn between two emotions: hurt and anger. (And I know I'm not alone in that). Overall though, I'm feeling calm. I look back at the past few weeks and when she was "touching down" I was definitely too aggressive. I just hope my lack of reaching out, doing my own thing, etc... is a good refresher for the situation.
