Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My Story/Mixed Messages...

Hi there 2012 -

Your H and mine sound like brothers. Mine is dead set on D as well. No separation, no counseling just straight to the D. Of course my H has OW. I don't think she is the cause, but she is a catalyst for sure. Our H's are going through a journey and we are not invited. One day they may wake up and realize what they are doing but we can only work on ourselves and be there for our kids.

In the case of my H, he won't know what he's got, till it's gone.

Scaredsilly,

Thanks--You are right, I have to really try not to talk too much and let him come up with a little bit of what he wants to talk about. He gets so moody when we are together. Today it was about the kids, he feels like he is not being a good Dad. I will post an update in a second and explain more. I didn't let him drift into relationship talk though, I just listened. Was supportive. Encouraging. And told him I think he is a great Dad. Which he is. I really couldn't ask for a guy that would be better, even in this situation.

I'm working on the patience part a lot. It is hard for me. Today threw us for a loop, but I think it was a good day. And we still have tonight when we go to the family night thing. I am really keeping it at the forefront of my mind that I need to have patience, avoid relationship talk, and validate and support him in what he says. I can't afford too many more talks like last weekend.

Wishing, Hoping,

I'll have to go read your threads and see what all you have been dealing with. Thanks for jumping in to mention the similarities.

I am about 99% sure there is no OW in my situation. I have done enough snooping here and there to verify things and really with the amount of time he spends with us, she'd have to really not care much about him or she'd be putting her foot down. Lol I've wondered about EA, but I just can't see any options that I think would be possible. And I have done my homework. I really hope I'm not wrong. He is a really bad liar too, and we have talked a few times about it. I feel if there was one, he would be happy to tell me that and dare me to say something about that too.

I am really feeling lately we are entering midlife crisis land. I see a few more signs all the time. That scares me to death, because then I know DB is going to help, but I am up against so much more than just our own issues. I'm not sure though. I am about to post an update about our morning, so maybe someone will say what they feel.

You are so right when you say they won't know what they've got until it's gone. I feel 100% sure my husband will regret this if he follows through with the divorce and I get to the point where I don't want to try anymore. I think I will try for a long time though. I love this guy, we've been together with no other people in our lives since we were 17 years old. This sure does feel like it came out of left field though.

Journaling--We left this morning to go to our prenatal appointment and the drive over was great. I was more relaxed after I actually saw him and he was pretty nice, just quiet. He started to talk about the kids and told me his having a hard time right now dealing with it all. I was careful at this point, because this kind of talk has deteriorated into relationship talk before, and now know I have to NOT let any of that happen, no matter how much he is wanting it when he starts out. I noticed every time we have a prenatal appt, it makes the baby more real to him and it is hard for him to deal with. He kept reaching over to rub my baby belly and talked about how he wants to be there for the kids and worries he isn't enough. Even teared up and cried a little as he was talking. I just listened, and was encouraging, told him he is a great Dad, talked about how this baby would love him and he would be close with it too. Lots of guilt coming out of him. I validated his feelings though, reached over and rubbed his neck a little while he was talking, it felt like it was a good moment. He really is a great Dad. I know I am very lucky, even in this situation with us, he is really there, and genuinely loves to spend time with the kids and hang out with them. It's just me he has the problem with. lol

We were almost to the appointment and my son's school called and he had fallen off the monkey bars and so we turned right around and went to his school. A couple of hours later after a docter's appt and xray, we found out he has a broken wrist. We were all together the whole time and I think we related really well. I didn't control the situation, I let my husband make the decisions and supported them, we talked a little and joked around. I think overall it was very positive. Or as positive as a trip to get one of your kids patched up can be.

One thing that kind of threw me for a second was that he is planning to get his tattoo he got about 10 years ago worked on and expanded tomorrow morning. He had mentioned a few weeks ago he was thinking about it, but I hadn't realized it was happening now. He had called and made the appointment already. I recovered well though, I didn't show anything except that I thought it was cool and asked about how he was going to get it done, how much, if I needed to transfer money, etc. Even took a picture of it for a before and after comparision. I'm hoping this is just a one time deal and not the beginning of MLC stuff. I have saw a few little signs, but then again he has always liked tattoos and things like that, maybe he just really was not showing all of that for fear of what I would do and now he is just trying to really be what he wants to be and see how I am. I think I was good, even with it being a bit of a surprise.

He is napping now for work tonight and we will get back together to go to family night and take the kids to eat afterwards before he heads into work. I plan on continueing the positive light atmosphere, because it seems like he isn't as angry and on guard with me now, so hopefully we are coming off of last weekends big relationship dissection and he is relaxing. He is definitely showing lots of guilt over the kids today, I'm not sure how to take that. I hope it is good, but I know guilt can also be bad if he attaches it to me as the cause.

A nice surprise this afternoon--my husband's brother called me to talk to the kids and say hi. He is 3 years younger than my husband, great guy, we have all been very close. He is married and has a daughter of his own.

Anyway, he was just checking on my son's arm and talked to both the kids, then he talked to me for a bit and it felt so good to hear what he had to say. He literally said my husband has lost his mind, he doesn't know how to deal with the way he is acting, he can see he is so cold and unattached to the world around him. Like a robot sometimes. (And they were together last weekend) He said he really thinks it is the PTSD affecting him, which I feel sometimes it is, and sometimes I don't. But he did point out he would have been just getting done with his 4th deployment around now and he had been reading up on the PTSD stuff and how it affects the guys and he really felt he was seeing a lot of the same signs and symptoms. I have to say after I talked to him, I felt it definitely is having an effect on him too. I do feel it is mixed in with some actual relationship stuff we had let build up and also, like I said, a little worried there is some MLC mixed in there. I told him I was relieved that he was seeing the behaviors too and that it wasn't just something he was pulling out only when he was around me, but he said last weekend he was pretty amazed at a few of his responses and how cold he could be about some things. His brother is probably the person I would say is closest to him besides me. When I talked to my husband about visiting with his brother, he said he had fun, but he said his brother was moody and short with everyone, and just kind of not in a good mood. Now I really wonder if that was just his perception, or if my husband annoyed him enough that was how he did start acting towards him.

So, the conversation made me sad, because it really brought home to me how bad my husband is feeling and how it is really affecting him in all his major relationships, but it felt good to hear the supportive things his brother said to me and to know I'm not crazy and just not seeing something I should be. I have been trying to read about PTSD and look online for support groups for wives, but haven't found many good resources. Most cases deal with men that are abusive, having flashbacks, etc. I'm dealing with more of an isolation, depression, mixed with pushing away reality.

I understand the thoughts of pres and isolation or depression. My h did the same thing last year and now again thisbyear but during both instances he ran to another girl. Please don't think that I am saying that ab your h...I mist wanted you to know that you are not alone.

However during my h first time of wanting to start his whole life over in whcih he only was tsxting with another girl...he later described it as a form of suicide so I do think he has some deep rooted issues.

I also tried to look for ptsd support for withdrawn guys but could not find much. Maybe check the va...that is something I wish I did while my h and I were still together.

Tonight, we also went to the event at my son's school and I think it was a fairly good evening. Nothing major, but pleasant. We met there and walked around the books and the kids looked around. I tried to not hover around my husband and things seemed to be going alright. Saw lots of people I knew and they were all asking about our son and what the doctor said. I was very talkative to them all and I think looked pretty happy and comfortable with the whole situation. Lots of people asking about the baby, since I'm showing pretty obviously now. That was kind of interesting, since nobody knows we are separated, so I just played it off, talked about how happy we were about it, and that seemed to go well with everyone. Husband included.

He did at one point tell me he wanted to thank me for what I said to him earlier today, out of nowhere. He said he is having a rough time right now and worried about bonding with the baby. He said it really helped for me to talk about him helping with it and having time with it and stuff. I plan on breastfeeding, but I said I would get a pump too so that I could pump and after that was all going smooth he would be able to spend more time with her and take her on outings and stuff. And that we'd see what we needed to get doubles on so we wouldn't have to switch so much gear back and forth. I'm trying to not contradict his moving out and divorce after baby scenario, just trying to act like his wife that he is having a baby with and preparing to take care of it properly. Anyway, I guess I did good, he told me thank you and I told him we would handle it together and that I was glad he talked to me and that he can talk to me about anything, anytime something is on his mind. Communication was one of the failings we had in the past, so I am really trying to be open and let him know he can say anything to me and feel safe and that I'm not going to react badly, just be there for him.

After the book fair, we took the kids to McDonalds to eat. I was really glad to see one of my old friends and her family there. I had been wanting to call her since all this happened with my husband to talk, but never could get the energy to do it and re-tell the whole story over again. I don't talk to people about it. I have only talked to my immediate family, his immediate family, and one friend that I trust about what is going on. My husband on the other had mentions it to whoever he is around. Which sound like a lot of people, but he is actually not really social right now, so it isn't as many as it sounds like. Work, and old Army buddies, his family. He is much more casual about it though than I am.

Anyway, we all visited for 10 minutes or so and caught up a little. We've all been friends since grade school. Then my husband took the kids over to order their food since he had to go to work and I had a few minutes that I could talk alone with her. We made a date to get together and talk more in depth soon, but I gave her a brief summary of what was going on and probably astonished her in the process. I completely trust her to keep confidence and I am so glad I ran into her. I should have called her a month or two ago to talk then. Anyway, she right away said PTSD (can everyone see it so clearly?) and said she has another friend going through a similar situation and they hadn't separated yet, but were on the brink of it. She said there were a lot of similarities in our situations. I look forward to catching up and hearing about the other situation and just having some girl talk with someone that I know will listen, knows and loves us both, and will help me think and cope a little better.

Dinner went pretty good after that, but my daughter was moody and kept saying her stomach hurt. She then told my husband she misses him and never gets to see him and wants him to be around more. This was all pretty much out of the blue, so I'm sure that was a shot to the heart for my husband since he is having issues today dealing with all that anyway. He was kind of quiet and just studying her face. After he left for work, she told me she feels like she is getting used to him being gone so much and she doesn't like it. She doesn't want him doing this to us. What do you say to that? He had mentioned a sleepover Thursday and she said she is going to tell him she won't go unless I can go too. She is tired of him not coming to live with us, and then making out lives like this. I don't feed this stuff into her head, this is all on her own. I really didn't know what to say. I just held her and told her she can tell him anything she feels she wants to and that I was sorry things were like this right now, but that we both love her so much.

I don't know if I should bring this up with him or not. I know he is already having a big guilt trip about the kids right now, and I really don't want to be the one to pile on more about it. I'm betting our daughter will have her say to him about it though. She is close to us both and she's always been able to talk to us about anything. I may just wait and let her handle it on her own right now instead of getting involved and being associated with the kids being unhappy with him. He needs to own that one on his own I think.

I hate seeing him look so sad all the time though. He can look like himself a little bit, but most of the time he looks uncomfortable in his own skin and tired or aged a little. He needs a haircut right now and still won't let me do it, and hasn't went to get one. Kind of glad, that's another sign to me there probably isn't another woman. He definitely isn't doing unusual primping and stuff. He's very handsome naturally, and he has always dressed nice, in great shape, etc., but I can just tell he is unhappy. Unhappy inside.

This morning I texted my husband to decide whether or not to send our son to school. He didn't want to go and I couldn't decide which way to go with it and ended up asking H what he thought. I was glad I did. He must be feeling good this morning about getting his tattoo done, he was very talkative and we texted back and forth about our son for awhile, then he was saying how excited he was to get the tattoo work done today, so I was asking about some of that and being excited with him. We meet up later today at the doctor's office to get the official cast put on our son's arm. I said I thought it would be neat to see how it all looks (the tattoo work) and he said it might be late when it gets finished tonight, but he would run by in the morning and show it to me! Surprised me, I don't usually get any offers of time together unless the kids are present or we have something we are working on together. It is a babystep and I will take it as such!

This is where I am being more careful and mindful myself, because I get impatient and things feel good again now and I end up pushing a little too much, and he initiates a relationship talk that ends up in a disasterous mess. No pushing! That is what I have to keep in my head at all times! I need him to keep the babysteps coming and come to me. I just need to keep up with the positive attitude, be interested in him, validate him, non-confrontational, and not pressure him about the divorce talk, our relationship, or anything. When I step back, he comes to me a little, so I have to remember that. I need to use today to build on these small steps and let them all add up to something big, not get impatient and keep destroying all of the progress. I know from past experience that doesn't work. I can't keep trying the same thing that doesn't work.

Hoping and Praying,

We are going through the VA for PTSD counseling now with a specialized counselor that deals only with those cases. He was going once a month, but she wanted to see him once a week. He said he couldn't go that often, so was going to go biweekly instead. He claims she said she isn't even sure if he is having PTSD, it's such a mild case, I think why would she want to see him so often if that was the case then? I think he is in denial about a few things going on in his life, but of course that is an opinion I keep to myself.

I asked if there was a way I could go as a spouse to learn more, but the closest group I have found is 2 and a half hours away, so that hasn't happened. I just have been trying to read and learn on my own for now.

I worry about him running to another girl too, I keep checking things every once in awhile just to make sure that isn't happening, and so far no evidence to the contrary. It has really motivated me to try and compliment him, laugh at his jokes, listen really good when he talks, cook and send food with him, in other words try to be the other woman so he can't find anything better. I know we have this wall between us that is keeping him from feeling the same way back, but I think at least he will have to do a double take to look anywhere else for attention, because he gets it lavished on him when he will let me do it here. He loves attention too. Every since I've known him when we were young, he was the show-off, the guy doing something just a little crazier than everyone around him.

This has all been hard enough, I can't imagine adding that into the mix. You are a strong woman to be able to deal with that on top of the drama already. I guess we are all strong women and men to be going through this at all and still surviving and trying to better ourselves.