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Clarity is what I need! I don’t understand why they lower their standards and chase the losers in life. I thought about this last night and I think the reason they do go for the losers is because deep down they know that person is not what they are looking for, yet they can feel better about themselves. I feel kind of sorry for my ex that she can’t see what she is missing out on in life. I am afraid with everything I know that happened to her in her childhood she may never come out of this.

I know being patient is the answer to my thoughts. I also know that I am confident that the first time I see them together, it’s just going to be the final nail in the coffin. I have options in life and I know what we had was great. Is it worth my pride as a man any longer? I just can’t see me waiting this one out. Maybe that’s selfish? All I know is enough is enough! My biggest fear is that I am no longer willing to wait this out. How in the heck do you face that fear?

Why would this scare you?

It doesn't make you a better person that you can wait longer. It doesn't mean anything except that on a moment to moment basis you make particular choices.

You can't choose not to choose

HUGS

Grace thanks for asking. It makes me look inside.

Why does that scare me, because maybe I should be more patient, more empathetic, more understanding, and just a better friend. My thoughts may all be driven by pride. I am having trouble deciphering my thoughts at the moment. I just don’t want to live with any regrets.

I am not going to do anything drastic, I have been having thoughts and feelings of I can do better for a couple months. Two weeks ago my D12 told me to go out and meet someone, get married and have kids. I couldn’t stop laughing. It’s not because I am lonely, it’s because she wanted to stay the night with a friend the other night and I had plans for us to do something different. She is a smart kid and she knows way more about life than I ever did at her age.

I just need to clear the cob webs out of my head once again and think everything out.

If you want to be more patient etc, those are things you can cultivate. If you think you should be, those things, the question is why and for whom?

You're clearly smart and patient enough to know not to react. When you have truly decided from a place of peace, you will know what to do.

My D16 was teasing me recently about my "new boyfriend" (I had waved at a neighbor). My response to her was that I don't have the inclination or the time and that right now, my focus is exactly where it needs to be, which is on D's and myself. Her response was "I love you". When I asked her about it, the gist of that conversation was that she needed to know that she was a priority and that her world was not going to be rocked (in the near future) again.

I just thought I'd jump in here to say that nothing has cleared the cobwebs out of my head more than being single by choice. I've been divorced for just over a year, and I have turned down some offers for dating because I wasn't interested in the men who asked me out for various reasons. I went through a period of "getting back out there" and trying to actively "find" someone, figuring that this was what I needed to do to get on with my life/clear the cobwebs/start a new direction, but that didn't feel right either because it felt like I was trying to force the issue of dating down my own throat. Then I just decided I was going to live my life and be ok with being single, and frankly, the longer I am single, the BETTER it is helping me to detach from XH.

I can't explain it, but it's true. I felt more ATTACHED to him when I was trying to find a guy--maybe it's because I was inadvertently comparing XH to men I met, I don't know. But in this long period (which for all I know could be indefinite) of being single, I am feeling an enormous amount of clarity about everything.

Often I think that our wish to start a new relationship comes from our thinking that that's what we need to do to "move on." I do think a new relationship is important at some point and part of the process. But I also think you can move on without a new relationship with a significant other. I think you can simply choose to work on your relationship with yourself AND your family and friends--strengthening the ties you have with other people in a non-romantic way. The stronger you are as an individual, the better you will be in a rel. with a significant other.

I guess what I'm saying is that if you aren't sure about any decisions, you can choose to NOT decide, really, and just lay low and be peaceful with yourself. Friends who say you need to get dating again and get married again mean well, but they probably assume this is a quick fix, and really, we know it's probably not going to help in the long run. I've spent a lot of time trying to "educate" my friends on how much happier I am choosing to be single, and they've backed off the whole "you need to date NOW" mantra...

When you feel like you’re drowning in life, don’t worry, your lifeguard walks on water!

Grace, I need to refocus, I may have stumbled but I will find peace in my heart again! I need to be more patient for me and me alone. An impatient person makes bad choices in life. I don’t want to be that guy. I want to be the man that has great qualities that radiate to other people. That guy lives inside me and he makes me proud.

Antonia, Thank you for jumping in and I know exactly where you are coming from.

I have felt some attachment to my ex for the last few days and I am not sure why. What happened this weekend has been a huge set back in my progress. Today when I look at my ex she is still the 18 year old girl that isn’t thinking clearly for herself. What she is choosing to do still hurts me and I know that I can’t help her. I really feel sorry for her because she is spinning out of control. I blame myself for letting my feelings for her rise up again because I knew better. My heart is still broken and I will be the first to admit that. All I can do is continue on my journey and not make any major decisions until my head is clear again. Good choices make life so much more enjoyable.

I have had feelings that a new relationship would make me feel like I have completely moved on. I know I don’t need someone to make me happy and when I get to the point I am ready I will let that happen. I have formed some sort of crust that isn’t going to allow me to let anyone in my life right now. I don’t know how to explain it any better, maybe I have just become hardened. Does that happen to all of us?

I thought about this touch and go crap. I played right into her game and it still hurts. I refuse to stay stuck in life. I deserve better and I am the only one that can make that happen. I just had a major back slide and I should have protected myself from letting it happen. I have learned enough to know that this was something I should have avoided. My advice to any one reading this would be do NOT let them play you for a fool. We all deserve to be treated with nothing but respect.

{quote] I have formed some sort of crust that isn’t going to allow me to let anyone in my life right now. I don’t know how to explain it any better, maybe I have just become hardened. Does that happen to all of us?
[/quote}

The crust (nice description by the way )is probably a defense mechanism and that's ok. It doesn't have to be a permanent thing.

There was quite awhile that I felt the same way. I can't say I feel "crusty" now, I'm not inclined to look for any kind of romantic relationship. When I am, I will.

Perhaps in my case age is a factor. There was a time I was really scared I would always be alone. Now, I think it's ok either way. There are lots of things to do and people to meet, so it's all good.

It all takes time. I used to get so tired of thinking that (and hearing it), but it has turned out to be my friend, not my enemy.

HUGS

you should be be...

If

you want to be. But why?

If you are scared my friend find out why. On this journey

the best way to find your way is by listening to your pain and your fear.

Why?

Why? do you let what your wife chooses right now ... force you to a choice?

What is pride? Your pride?

What you feel about yourself or what you let others influence what you believe about yourself?

This (what you are after here) is about you not her.

At the end of this (whatever that is) make sure you can look at that dude in the mirror

And be accountable to him.

He is the most important person in your life.

PS: Hi Grace

True

Since the first time you ever posted to me the same thing always happens. I look at my thoughts and find where they are coming from. This has taken me longer. I will say I feel a bit of relief now. Thank you!

Making a decision from anger/hurt doesn’t usually lead to the best choices in life.

Listening to those emotions and not facing them head on makes them worse down the road. I have accepted that the marriage is done and I let this stuff build up in a matter of three days. I don’t want to be the one that runs from my emotions.

What she chooses I have no control over and I know I only control myself. I don’t have to make a choice yet. I know fall down get back up! Slow down and make calm choices in life. Actually now that I look at myself I feel kind of stupid for letting my emotions get out of whack!

Pride is just another emotion. My pride is just that being proud of who I am and what I have accomplished I don’t see it as over inflated or bad. I also want others to share in my happiness. Maybe I am looking at this all wrong but isn’t it important to share something with others that makes you proud? I know pride can be a double edge sword and I don’t want to use pride to hurt someone else.

Over the last five days I let my emotions take hold of my thoughts. If this was some kind of test I failed. All I can do from this point is keep on working on myself and obviously my changes were not as solid as I had thought. I will say that after about six hours of thinking about all of this I feel much better. Thanks everyone. I know time is my friend.

Seminole, I read this post and I see the struggle for clarity. I know that feeling.

Think about it for a second though: she waltzes in and waltzes out. You know that. You wondered why your emotions are helter-skelter? I think you know why though.

She wants you as a plan b. Her methods are childish and show what she is. The confusion and whether or not she is still in the tunnel? Really?

Can you be friends with her? That's really the question at the moment from what I see.

What you do or don't do is your choice and yours alone. The people you see, hang out with, date, etc. All yours. Only you will decide and only you have the consequences - good or bad. Leave her out of it and make your decisions based on what you want. That's not selfish, that's a mature reaction to the situation

You're doing well. I know the feelings you have well. I couldn't understand ex's behavior or why she wanted to "talk" or have me come over to pick something up. It wasn't for anything good I can tell you that. It was about control and wanting to be the victim. I woke up to that and see it much more clearly.

In your case, it seems it's about confusion, but it's not healthy for you to be as attached as you are. Her actions don't say anything to me other than she is confused and unhappy. Not because of you, but because of her choices. Her way of dealing with it is to look for the familiar which in turn is going to drive you nuts. Like this.

Step back and see the perspective.

AJ