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Thought I would come journal on here and see if I could stop the obsessing I seem to do about my marriage. I have really got to be able to stop and be patient. I am terrible at it. I get panicky and things just go downhill from there.

My husband left this morning on an overnight trip about 5 hours away to go see an old Army buddy that he hasn't saw in about 4 years. He'll be back tomorrow sometime. Yesterday he came over to get the kids and take them to his house to stay the night and he told me he was planning to do that and kind of was feeling me out to see if it was okay I think. I was very positive, tried not to be over the top, but really acted pleased for him and encouraging that it would be a good thing. One of the things he has said to me before was that he felt he had cut off his old friends because of me and didn't ever do anything on his own or plan anything on his own. All our current friends are friends of mine that we do stuff with. Anyway, I tried to keep everything good and positive and we made plans for him to come over this morning to have breakfast after he dropped off the kids at school and before he left town.I did initiate the invite for breakfast, which I know is against the rules, but we do that kind of thing when we won't see each other for a bit and he enjoys it too. We do good with casual and quick, as long as there isn't an overstepping of the friends line.

I ended up running to the store last night and I bought a little bag of travel things I know he likes, jerky, sunflower seeds, reese's pieces, and a Dove bar to send with him. This morning he came over and I made Chorizo, with a few sides, we talked, and it was a very pleasant breakfast I think. I am consciously trying to hold back and not be too excited or too touching/affectionate after reading the boards so that I let him start feeling more relaxed and like he isn't constantly fighting me about our limits in our relationship. I offered my car for him to drive, which he took me up on (it's newer/better for travel), and I had even looked up some conversation ideas online and brought up a few random topics that we talked about. I feel sometimes like all we talk about are the kids, work, and the house, so I am really trying to step outside the box and create a new feeling between us. We had a good morning, good conversation, and left with hugs and he said he'd text and let me know when he gets to their house, etc.

I know it was all good, the entire interaction was positive, it's just now that I have to fight the whole patience thing and not get carried away in my mind and over think things, start worrying about the future, get frustrated over what wasn't in there, and I need to just be happy we are able to have a happy breakfast with good conversation, and hope that will be something to build on.

Oh, and one other thing, we were talking about the kids, specifically our 9 year old daughter and growing up issues, and how she loves talking with us. Every night she will come and sit with whichever parent and she just wants to talk about life, the kids at school, etc. It was kind of the perfect entry for me to bring up how I had read the 5 Love Languages book last night and what they were and how I thought it related to her and our son.

I actually read it last night to pinpoint my husband's Love languages and make sure I am trying to fill the right areas in his needs, but it was just perfect to be able to bring it up with the kids as the focus. He was very interested in it and I got it out and we talked about the 5 different styles, I kind of gave a brief summary of the book and we were talking about the kids and what we thought they were. Then I mentioned I thought he was the words of affirmation and physical touch, which he confirmed was right on, and we talked about mine. Long story short, he asked to take the book to read more closely, to relate it to the kids of course, but I felt like at least it would maybe reach into areas of our marriage at the same time. And I was glad to know that I was targeting the right areas on him as things he likes and associates with love.

I am definitely on the words of affirmation. I try to come up with compliments or words to show I appreciate him and things he does for us all the time. I validate and support whatever he says, and I am very careful to make sure I keep our conversations positive and upbeat. The physical touch is harder with him. Not for me, per say, but he is consciously careful not to encourage too much touch and I know it freaks him out if he feels there is too much, because he knows it is crossing into the past friends zone. We always hug when we see each other and leave each other. I kiss him on the cheek during the leaving hug. I also am trying to be casual about touching him occasionally when we talk, I hold his arm when we walk somewhere sometimes, pick invisible lint off his clothes, smooth his hair, gosh that all sounds so strategic, but I guess in a way it is. He is fine with all of that. I have even gave him a couple of shoulder, back rubs, and those have been fine. It has to be very spur of the moment and not last too long though. Sometimes I can tell it if it is too much, and I am getting better about pulling it back and keeping things normal.

I feel like we are so in this wierd zone where we act like more than friends and sometimes I see glimpses in there that the old feelings are there for him, but he is very successful and disciplined about stuffing them down and just keeping things platonic. That is definitely where I am trying to keep my patience and not push. I know from these boards and everything I've been reading, I have to wait for him to make that decision and decide to come to me and take things further. It is so hard though. I feel like things are so normal between us sometimes until I hit against his wall in some way, then it stops. I hope this is progress, and not just him cake eating and really happy with the situation and things will never change.

I guess I have nothing but time though. 3 and a half months until the baby is here, then it can get scarier for me. He can't pursue a divorce on paper until after it is born, so I know I have that amount of time to work on our marriage, then after that he can start doing whatever path he feels set on. If it is divorce, I know in my heart I won't give up, but it is going to be awful to go through all of that and not be able to stop anything. I really hope there are some big changes between now and then.

He's still away on his trip and I think it is going well for him. We texted back and forth a little last night talking about old memories, etc, from the Army days. He was really happy to be on the trip and he is having a good time.

Today he texted around noon and let me know he was still there and having a good time. I encouraged him to stay another day, but he said he'd probably drive back tonight. He will let me know later what his plans are. He switched nights with a co-worker though, so that he can stay or get back late if he wants to. I am kind of hoping he is really seeing the positive attitude on my part and that it will help him see things can exist this way. I really do feel fine with it too. I trust him to behave in ways that respect me, and I have been pretty relaxed and enjoying the time around here with the kids and working on some cleaning to move things around for the baby.

I hate that feeling of wishing I would have had these realizations before he got to the point where he wanted to leave the marriage. It took him doing that to open my eyes and see what was going on. And now I feel like it is irreversible sometimes. Most of the time actually. I actually did have a good guy too. He has always been there for me and still is, he has just put up a lot of walls to protect himself from falling back into the relationship. I see the issues he was upset with and am making genuine changes to fix my part in things, I'm just really afraid it is too little too late.

He actually just called and he has decided to drive an hour and a half to his brother's house and stay there tonight and then leave early in the morning to come back and spend the day with me and the kids before he has to nap and work that evening. He called to discuss it with me actually whether it would be a good idea or not. He feels bad not getting back to see the kids tonight. I encouraged him to go to his brother's house though and to enjoy the evening there, since he doesn't often leave and do things like that just for fun. I even told him I put some extra money in the joint account in case he needed it for gas, cash, whatever. Sounds like I am doing things supportively and being pretty casual about it right?

We only talked about 5 minutes, he gave me a quick re-cap on his evening and told me how his friend was, and we said we'd talk more about it and catch up in person later. He was driving. I am really having to struggle with the patience thing in all of this. I just keep hoping to have some big break through. Or even just hear him say he is taking divorce off the table and truly just being separated and seeing where things go. I hadn't heard the whole divorce talk until April 20th, but I completely believe when he moved out February 2nd, he skipped the we are separated and working on things in his mind and he was setting up everything separately and moving towards a divorce. He thinks once a divorce is official and everything is separated, final, it will take a level of pressure off and things are going to get so much more relaxed and easier on everyone. I think that is crazy. If anything it is going to get worse, because the kids are going to be more upset, I am going to have a new baby and the kids, no job, and be trying to figure out how to juggle all of that and get it together to finish my school to get a good job. He isn't going to be my favorite person at that point. He is still going to be having his internal struggle and trying to figure out why he isn't completely happy, because while I know we have relationship issues to work out, it isn't the complete cause of his unhappiness right now. He has just pinned it all on me. It is so frustrating.

Well, he was back Saturday and we had a good time catching up and hanging out for awhile, then we started in on relationship talk. I knew when it started I shouldn't be doing it. It was like a car crash. We went at it for 3 hours. Then texted even more. I know how he feels about all of this stuff, but it is like once he starts in I keep asking questions to see if anything else has changed and it just keeps getting worse and worse. I feel like I am so emotionally drained. And feel like it is my own fault for letting it keep going. I have got to start taking the divorce busting techniques serious and use them consistently!

In a nutshell, he still wants a divorce, he will probably try for it after the baby comes, and he is thinking about possibly seeing a lawyer now to just see what that all entails. That last part is new and probably due to the intense conversation between us. I am really doing bad at keeping everything positive and just agreeing with what he says and not taking things deeper.

Also today, he came over and we had said yesterday we would spend a family day focused on the kids, well, he wanted to leave and do something alone with them, basically didn't want to be around me at all. I should have just said yes, but I said I wanted to try doing what we had planned. He did for awhile, and I did good on my part to not put on any more pressure, keep things light, even went outside with my son to play ball for an hour or so, and he ended up getting mad and wanting to leave because he just couldn't move past yesterday. Yesterday was bad.

I didn't engage with him and told him to take the kids, I didn't like to see him upset and don't want to be the cause of it, and go do what he wanted and I am home feeling like I just majorly messed up progress from the trip so bad and I feel like he is so impenetrable on his course for divorce.

I know I need to just stay off him and not contact him at all and let him initiate anything from now on to fix this right? And be positive and good when he does contact me? I just shot myself in the foot with the past day and feel sick about it. I'm making things worse and watching myself do it, but having such a hard time remembering how to act when we get into the moment.

I know how it feels. My wife is very business like when it comes to talking about the divorce. She never saw separation as an option and I believe she thinks that once the divorce is official she will feel a weight lift off her shoulders. From everything I hear that is totally wrong. You see most everyone on this board is actually working towards fixing their marriage. On the other hand the spouse is just dead set on bailing on the marriage and not working on themselves. So after the divorce they are actually worse off than we are because we have begun to face our problems and take responsibility for what we did to contribute to the marriage failing. The sad thing is that it takes two people to decide to marry but only one to decide to divorce.

As a stay at home dad I have so much empathy for your situation. I cant imagine how you are dealing right now being pregnant and going through this. The best thing to do is to not put pressure on your H. I know it is hard because I did the same things and by looking for reassurances I drove my wife away. Also stop looking for big break through moments. I did that and still do. Every new change in our marriage I am expecting her to come to her senses but it never happens. From what I've read it is a gradual process. It seems to us like our spouses changed over night. I imagine my wife was kidnapped by aliens and replaced with a clone one night. But the truth is that they always reached this point over a long period of time. We just didn't see it. In my relationship it was because my W grew up in a home where bad things were ignored. Even abuse. So she ignored things and hoped for the best until the walls she built up broke down.

It might help you to accept that things can get worse before they get better. Know that you are on a roller coaster and try not to worry about the lows and don't get too excited about the highs. Find a happy middle ground. Keep that GAL going.

2012-

you sound like you are getting pretty good at DBing. i totally understand how hard it is to not talk about the R. i want those reassuarances too. and like you it just pushes my W further away. you are doin alot better than you think. alot better than me. keep your head up!

Sorry for what is going on with you 2012sf.

This is a good thread for me. I am in a similar situation. My waw has only desire to divorce. Its weird she will do counseling after divorce not before.

Good luck this week.

jc180, thanks for the response.

Yes, I definitely relate to the way you feel like your wife had been replaced one night with a clone. I know my husband has said he had worked through all of this before he dropped the I'm moving out bomb on me. He feels he tried to talk to me, tried to work on things. I can see where he had mentioned things a few times, but I never realized the gravity of the situation and that he was really upset, just thought he was blowing off steam here and there. Now that I am awake and realizing what had been going on, he has exited the scene and feels he doesn't want to re-visit it at all. He is willing to take his chances on anything, just so he doesn't have to be in this marriage anymore.

I know he had a part in things too. And he definitely isn't seeing any of that part. I am not bringing it up either, just trying to validate everything I have done and work on it to the best of my abilities. I can't imagine not being with him. It is really hard for me to picture that, and it is hard to picture the type of life he thinks we can have as a divorced couple. I'm still having trouble with holding back on touching him like I normally would, and he is doing things like getting his hair cut at the barber's shop, which I have done for him for the last 17 years.

I know I have to just be prepared for the long haul and get really good at being patient and avoiding any relationship talk like the plague, but I am not doing very good at it. I do good for a couple of days, then we have a huge deal. It seems like they are getting worse too. Yesterdays was one of the worst. It really sets us back for awhile. I have to try hard to make sure I don't mess up for a long while. A couple of weeks at least. Otherwise I might as well speed dial the lawyer's office, hand him the phone, and get my pen ready to sign.