Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Not sure where to start, Part 2

You sound like my friends who tell me I should get away for a weekend and leave the kids with him. He needs a reality check for sure.

H hates his job and he is completely overwhelmed. His family is dysfunctional and they have fallen apart in the past year. But of course everything bad is my fault. I remember one day in December he was buying a workout center off Craigslist and asked me to answer the phone if the guy called. I did and told him to pick up the extension. I heard H on the other phone and the guy respond so I hung up. Apparently the connection was not good and he lost the call. He was angry at me so I said what did I do wrong now? And he responded "everything."

Maybe this D is a blessing. Maybe we just need some major time apart to get back to normal. It's not like we wont see each other.

I wonder if I left if H would even care? It would be hard to leave the kids for sure.

Hi wh,

Just wanted to say that, given what you have been going through, you might find some solace in reading the following thread. My sitch is similar to yours, and I have found this thread to be a life-saver.

It's in piecing, of all places.

Because, despite the extremity of her partner's mlc, he came back - eventually.

BUT, as she documents in painful detail, there often seemed to be absolutely no hope along the way, although he kept wanting to maintain contact.

Anyway, have a look at AliSuddenly's story (warning, it's a long read with multiple threads):

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2033737&page=1

Thanks, NLW. Looks like I got some homework to do.

Having an OK day so far although H already called this morning telling me D's daycare says she has a rash on her palms and legs (she fell off her bike yesterday into a bush). H said he tried to explain to the school it wasn't poison ivy or anything, just an evergreen shrub but they said if the rash continues to spread one of us may need to pick her up. And, of course, who did he think should leave work and pick her up? Me. I told him to call me back in a half an hour so I knew if I needed to leave or not. Of course he didn't call me back and when I called he didn't answer. ARG!!!! So I called back about 15 minutes later (only because I was concerned about D) and he said the school told him we didn't need to pick her up. I told him thank you and hung up. I wish he would have told me sooner because I had to cancel lunch plans with a friend in case I had to leave.

H is leaving tomorrow for an overseas business trip. I hope it gives him time to get away and to maybe sort out things in his head if he is away from both of us. Of course, that is probably wishful thinking more than anything.

I think you should try to be a little nicer to him. I know it doesnt make sense but your post seems a little hostile you should try not to show him any hostility.

My H also was showing a lot of weird anger before the bomb. My H would get so pissed at our stupid cats for meowing and waking him up. Its kind of funny now when I think about it.

Its crazy I know but try your best to act like a Stepford wife for now and be happy and loving. Deal with your real feeling in safe enviornments like therapy and here.

Actually, I'm not so sure that the Stepford Wife act works. The last time we reconciled, I was total Stepford Wife, and I did a pretty good job for a little while anyway but there was no way I could keep it up long term - it was totally ridiculous.

Recently when having a long conversation with my H, he fedback to me that during that time, he knew I was 'not myself' and he was wondering when it was all going to fall apart. It did eventually, and then he said he preferred my usual self- just without the criticism/outburts.

So, I'm not on the whole Stepford wife thing - it's inauthentic and disingenuous. I would instead say be yourself, just watch out for the areas he complained about.

I think it's much better to be self-accepting and overcome one's weaknesses. Long term it feels a lot better as well.

Yeah the Stepford Wife thing would not work for me. He would know I was being fake. I didn't show him any hostility when he was on the phone wIth me. I told him it wasn't a problem for me to pick her up. I was nice but not pursuing.

He came home tonight and was really nice. I mean really nice. I havent seen him be that nice to me in months. Kinda sad because it was so much like the H I used to have. Now two hours later he is back to Mr. Cranky Pants.

H also told me back in January when he saw trying harder that pushed him farther away. So I am searching for that balance of being nice but not fake. It's very hard. I notice when I joke around with him he is very open to that. But I try not to have it come across as pursueing. He always said he like my dry sense of humor.

That is the worst when they are nice so nice then later cranky pants. So annoying.

I really do think you need to plan a weekend away and let him be DAD in charge. My H never said in so many words but I know when he started having the kids alone on Sat he realized how much work they are.

How long is he gone on his trip?? Maybe some time apart will help him get his head on straight.

He leaves tomorrow and is back Sunday. I don't know if being away from me will do anything. Last time he went on an overseas trip he decided our marriage was over. Maybe he hit his head when he was Overseas or maybe they crossed over the Bermuda Triangle or something. Maybe it was the 18 hours of darkness that happens in that area at that particular time of the year.

I am sure be will be talking to OW as well. It just really stings. Sometimes I think I am in a total nightmare. But this is my reality.

I blame the Bermuda Triangle!! You might be suprised how easier it is to breathe while he is gone. Leaving in a constant state of craziness is hard. Enjoy the time with the kids and do things you want to do while he is gone.

I know easier said than done but try not to think of OW. Put her out of your mind. She is not worth your thoughts.

I know she isn't worth it and my DB coach told me not to empower her but to be the better choice. I dont know how I can do that when she hangs on his every word and they don't have any history and baggage together. If I hang on his every word it pushes him away.

This week without him will go fast. Kids and I are used to him being gone so it won't be much different.