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Any suggestions anyone? Maybe I shouldn't respond at all.

FF999

W texted late last night to ask me not to come home on Saturday as planned, but to leave it 'til Sunday. She also said that she was glad that I had also moved on from 'us'. Initially I got really angry about the text but left it for 1/2hr to calm down and then replied "OK I understand. see you on Sunday". quite proud of myself for that.

I still have not responded to her original email (above), mostly because I haven't had the time. I seem to have a busy life at the moment which makes me feel good. I have acknowledged receipt of her email during a short conversation with her earlier this week. She seemed surprised that I was willing to spend more than a day in her company this coming weekend.

I have almost finished drafting my reply which is quite long- winded - says everything that I want to say ( no begging or pleading ) but I'm wondering whether I should just keep it short & sweet.

Please can someone advise on this. I'd like to send something before the weekend arrives.

Thanks again

FF999

FF999-

I agree that the letter sounds stilted/unreal. When in doubt, do nothing. Watch what she does or says in person/on the phone.

ff999,

I have (well I destroyed it since) actual proof that my W had a friend respond to an email that I had sent to my W. My W forwarded the email to friend (just looking for feedback) and friend responded (in probably just a standard "if it was me, this is how I would respond" manner). My W then made a couple slight changes and removed any reference that it came from friend and sent it to me...

The point is, it is possible that someone else wrote the letter for your W. I knew something was up with my W's email because it did not "sound" like her.

It does sound a little MLC scripted.

There are a few things. And personally, I would not respond.

It is a "dear jane" letter. Those generally don't need responses.

It is "words". Believe none of what you hear and 50% of what you see.

She does not have D as a priority ATM. Pretty simple. You've got time...

What do YOU want? What is the focus FOR YOU?

err... "dear john" letter... sorry for the gender mistake...

dmod & KD,

Thanks for you advice. I have not sent my reply to her 'dear john' email. That, I think, can wait for another day. It is almost fully drafted and raedy to go. There is a healthy dose of 2steps wonderful wordcraft included in there as well. He just seems to be able to put into words what I am feeling.

I am beginning to learn that time is my friend in all this. Act in haste, repent at leisure etc etc. Do nothing until the emotion of the situation has subsided.

Her mail just did not sound right to me. It was not worded how she would say things. Yes dmod, it was stilted/unreal. It could have been written to an unsuccessful job applicant almost.
I think that she just sat down, took a deep breath and wrote it. No review, no checking, just write it and send it - 'just in case I change my mind' or 'if I don't do it now, I never will' kind of attitude.
Looking at our earlier messages to each other where she was just friendly, happy, jokey, lots of :-), LOL's and the occasional x, it was a complete 180.

Looking forward to going home tomorrow to see the kids + D19's new boyfriend. He is 6'5" and built like a brick outhouse. He plays gridiron which is not common over this side of the pond. I've been following the game for nearly 30yrs and have been a Saints fan all that time. Wow, how things have changed for them since Bobby Hebert, Reuben Mayes et al.

I'm not 100% sure how I'm going to be when I get there. I am now feeling completely detached from the pain and anxiety of the past 4 months. Feeling completely at ease with myself and generally optimistic about the future which ever way it turns out.
The turning point came just after the Mothers Day Bomb. I did something that I'd never done before. Every bit of pain, frustration, fear, self criticism, doubt, guilt and negativity that had built up inside me over the previous 4 months just disappeared within hours. I had no pre-conceived ideas as to what was going to happen, no expectations, indeed no real knowledge of what I was letting myself in for. I just did it on a recommendation from my sister. I still can't explain what happened or how it worked, but it did. I am a completely different person, relaxed, chilled & happy but can't explain why.

I suppose you want to know what this thing was, well I'll tell you. Promise not to laugh.....


.............YOGA.

I was, and still am, amazed as to the effect that this has had on me. Probably the biggest single life changing event that has ever happened to me - apart from separating from my W that is.


FF999

As far as responding to your wife, I'll give you the same sage advice that was given to me when I first came here - validate, validate, validate.


She doesn't need to hear an argument for why she should give you another chance. What she needs is to hear you validate her experience. For you to acknowledge how difficult those years must have been for her, when she was trying to get through to you. Acknowledge how it must have hurt her when you left giving her the ILYBINILWY speech. Acknowledge that you are sad that it has taken you so long to realize what is important to you and you understand that it may be too late.

Even when you don't agree with her interpetation of something, it is still possible to validate her experience - saying something like "I'm sorry that you had that pain, I never meant that to affect you that way" or such.

Also - pay attention to actions not words. She may say a lot of stuff to distance herself from you - the first clues that she is softening (if she does) will come from behaviors.

And - focus on the kids and on being the very best dad ever. It will impress her and even if you don't reconcile, the relationship with your kids is the most important thing anyway.

Thanks KML,

My reply is 100% validation & acknowlegement of everything she has said - although I have only recently started posting on DB.com I have been reading it for the last 4 months and have also invested in DR book.

My W's words & behaviors have softened considerably since Christmas to such and extent that I foolishly forced the issue by way of "you've gotta choose what you want to with our R" statement a week before mothers day. Ever since that she seemed to go cold & distant culminating with the mothers day bomb & subsequent email that followed.

Tomorrow will be an interesting day.

FF999

Well, not a good weekend. Back in my digs and feeling very low once more. I really thought that I had made so much progress with the detachment but as soon as I set eyes on my W all the old feelings & yearning began again.
To my credit however I did not let any of those feelings show through so in that respect there was no backsliding.

When we were alone, my W as ever brought up R talk, and as ever I was more than willing to indulge her. Again, I did everything right - Validate, Validate, Validate, Agree, Agree, Agree. There were tears on her part during the conversation, and I know that she still feels angry that I did not do enough to save our relationship when I had the chance. I believe that she also feels a great sense of guilt & empathy for the pain that I am going through.
What does worry me though is that during the discussions she repeatedly told me how pleased she was that I have moved on from 'us' and that I was now able to see a future for myself without her - ( which I can't, all I have done is accept that I can't change the way she feels about me )
She also admitted that she has now met two soul mates - one of whom I suspect is the OM - and this really does hurt like a kick in the teeth.
On both days that I was at home she left to go out with friends and the first night she did not return home at all. She said she fell asleep. I am sure that on at least one occasion she will have been with the OM.

When I'm not there, I can deal with it and as time goes on with me not seeing her the pain decreases. When I go to visit though it really sends me back down to rock bottom again. Its like the snakes & ladders game where you get all the way to 99 and you land on the big one that sends you all the way back to the beginning again.

Words of wisdom and encouragement would be gladly received.

ps I still have not replied to her earlier 'Dear John' email. I think that there is potentially some value in waiting for a particularly desperate / more opportune moment.

FF999

Have been feeling really low since the easter weekend. Even the yoga didn't help.
I did go to MC on Tuesday though, which went better than I expected. It touched on why I became resentful toward my W. It stems back to our first break-up 15yrs ago when I agreed not to live away from home during the week ( I work in construction and most of the contracts I did were in London & beyond ). While this was ok on some jobs, others required me driving up to 5hrs a day + 11hr shifts.
Even though the commute was my suggestion, I began to resent having to do it and I began to feel that MY needs were not being met.

I will be going home again on Sunday to see my BF & his GF who will be in the area at a festival. I will be taking S17 & D14 along with me. Probably not W though. Doubtless she will have other arrangements.

I would really like to sit down & talk to her though, maybe in the evening, but i'm unsure if I should tell her how I really am feeling, ie I have not 'moved on' as she thinks, but have merely accepted that I can't make her change her mind about 'us'.

This I'm sure goes against everything I should be doing as regards db'ing, but now that the 'bomb' has dropped our communication is almost nil. She no longer phones, emails, texts or messages me & I feel that she is just moving on & forgetting me altogether.

Suggestions, 4x2's, advice please

FF999