Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis What if?

IB the only thing I can add to this is that I have completely given up on hoping or believing that XH will ever truly understand what he did and will give me a sincere apology. I just don't see it coming. When I got to the point where I gave up on hoping for that, I honestly felt a weight lift and felt like I could move on emotionally from him. I guess the way I see it is that hoping someone will acknowledge the pain they caused you is akin to still wanting some control over the situation or the person himself, and I am trying to relinquish control over people in my life and let the chips fall where they may, and let people be who they are. If they become a destructive force to me, I want detachment from them, and detachment includes not holding out the wish that someday they will wake up and apologize.

I can't explain it other than to say that getting to that point for me was like having a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. It makes my present and future wholly about me and no longer about XH, and that feels really clarifying.

I used to have this vision in my head every time I turned the corner to my house that XH's car would be parked and he'd be waiting there to finally say how sorry he was. Or I'd hear a car door slam outside and look with this expectation that it would finally be him coming to say how wrong he was. I don't have that vision anymore and that's another burden lifted.

Hey Irish!

I like to think that although he will probably never admit it, he is far, far to prideful, he knows it. For example: When we first met, he made his ex wife out to be a witch. I bought it hook, line, and sinker. As time went on, and she did little things that provoked or irritated him, I jumped to his defense, and he would "shush" me. He even crawdad'd on some of the things he had told me in the beginning. I eventually learned to not trash her despite the provocation. HE KNEW.

My bright hope is that some day, he will acknowledge in his own mind what we had. But I can't let it run the show!

Hindsight is 20/20, and that works in marriages, as well.

Random wonderings continue...

Do you ever think about how much of yourself you gave to your marriage? Honestly, divorce was never even a word we talked about. It was head down, commitment, laser focus on supporting the day-to-day of the family. It is those moments of support, care, security that I am missing the most right now. I don't believe I will ever get that feeling back.

Then I think about the blow to your self-esteem this experience causes. If you let yourself spend too much time thinking about it can really keep you stuck. This person who I loved and whom I trusted and to whom I was faithfully committed thinks and feels so little of me that he can just discard me.

I just needed to vent - thank you so much for listening:)

Hi IB. I'm listening. I get it. There was a really good post by Walking in "Need help on this unexpected journey/Stopping D" tonight. You should read it. You should also refocus a bit and realize it wasn't about you. You are who you are. Nothing more and nothing less. Not perfect, but not the monster he blew up out of proportion either. You are perfect as intended regardless of what others say. Even if we used to trust those others.
I remember walking into work one day. I had been putting notes around the house of self affirmation (don't laugh - it helped). It dawned on me as I was walking in that even though my ex was spewing all kinds of junk, it took her a great deal of effort to come up a story that helped her feel better about herself and what she was doing. It took her to lie about things and make some of them up completely, to distort things enough that she felt she could justify running away. In 20 years together, she could only come up with one thing even after all that effort.
My self-esteem was shot. My ego wanted revenge.
I laughed so hard people started to stare I laughed because I realized it wasn't about me. That she had to make things up and I laughed because I had bought into it. That was my turning point in all of this.
My self-esteem is mine and my responsibility. She has no say in it. I grew up in that moment. But I still had moments (recently too) that I struggle with the ego's desire to get "even". I know I wouldn't be happy if I inflicted that kind of hurt on her. It would contradict the love I had for her. I still love her, but more as an old acquaintance that I have to deal with sometimes (kids). One interaction at a time I put in and enforce boundaries. I grew at first from that. I then realized that she had left, but wasn't really "gone". She came back to try and hurt from time to time and to vent her anger and rage. I continued to set and enforce boundaries. Still do. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel in dealing with this type of person now and it grows brighter each day. She tries harder, but it no longer matters because I am me. Nothing more. Nothing less. I'm not perfect but I am a good person and love myself enough without losing my perspective about how I can contribute in this world.
I've stumbled along the way, IB. I have my moments if I let them in. Old, now unfamiliar ways I used to think and act. I am not the same, but I am somehow better and stronger. Me 2.0 if you will. I got that way one step at a time and through a lot of hard work. I'm not done.
I get what you are saying. It is easy to feel that way if you lose perspective. If lose that child like inquisitiveness. If you let yourself curl up and "play it safe" for the rest of your life.
Do I think how much I gave to my marriage? Sure. But now I think of it in terms of "how can I do more in my next marriage?" I understand there is no "safe" person out there. There are those we trust and many that will not let us down. Some will. I might pick one that does, but not because I picked wrong. Because they are human and therefore imperfect. I choose to take that chance again and to realize I will survive regardless. I can give all of me again even though it may make me nervous. I am not concerned. Life it short and I won't let fear or doubt ruin it. I've seen what that looks like and I don't like it. It's not comfortable to me.
My self-esteem is fine now. I'm older and wiser. I know me better. I stand on my own two feet and help others where I can both here and in the real-world. I believe in my God. I believe in the goodness of people and the evil in people. I accept it all now.
His loss and a shame he couldn't overcome his issues. So much so that he felt he had to blame you so he wouldn't have to face that.
Keep your perspective IB. Don't let his actions and inabilities rob you of a great life.

AJ

IB this really rings true for me:

" It is those moments of support, care, security that I am missing the most right now. I don't believe I will ever get that feeling back. "

Ok, I just said this almost verbatim to my mom earlier tonight. But truly, honestly, I have felt very tiny moments like that with the guy I have been seeing in the past 2 months. Things are up in the air with him and may be done or not--I don't really know as we are in this sort of break period--but what I can say is that there were a lot of moments with him where I felt a type of support and interest in my life--and that felt nice. And I felt care too...security? Not really. But I'm still fighting with that notion, because there is a part of me that never wants to have to gain my security from a man again. I think I lived far too much in that security and it made me very weak and dependent. I still CRAVE that security but I don't know how healthy it really is.

But suffice it to say that I had moments where I did feel care and support from a guy I had some connection with and we are really fairly casual. So it HAS to come back with someone that we end up being "serious" with, it HAS to, on some level.

I am not recommending anyone go out and try to date before they are "ready"; I was in an "I'm not dating anyone" mode and so was the guy I met. We met as friends and were casual friends for a few months before any dating and the dating just ended up happening eventually. And like I said, we may or may not be over due to compatibility issues. But regardless of that, I can tell you without any hesitation that this experience really made me get past some of the very issues you are musing about.

I was entirely anti-living with anyone ever again (unless XH were to magically be my H again in a great restored marriage), let alone getting married or leaving my home. Now I can honestly say that I can visualize living with someone again eventually after a long commitment. I can also sort of visualize being married. Bigger than anything, I can foresee feeling ok enough to move out of my marital home--which you know, I've made great strides in changing so it doesn't even look like the same place--but I can also see wanting to start a new life in a new home with someone else.

I do struggle nearly every day with that feeling of "loss" in terms of not feeling secure, feeling like every burden falls to me and me alone, and I have no one here to help--ever--no shoulder to cry on, no one to hold me when it's a rough day--no one to really be intimately close to. But I don't feel loss over the XH anymore--it's a general feeling of not having those things and wanting them, but I guarantee it's not wanting HIM to fill that space.

I guess what I'm saying is that in my recent experience, a lot of the feelings you're talking about really lessened greatly for me when I saw that there was at least one other person out there I could relate to who sort of gave me hope again. And as pessimistic as I can get--see my own thread for that, ha ha--I think logically that if there was one person I met who restored some sense of hope, there have to be others I haven't met yet.

Again, not trying to diminish the impact or effects of really long-term relationships at all, but just trying to say that if you're wondering if you will ever get that sense of caring and support back, you probably will, but like AJM said it's probably going to be tempered with a hefty dose of realism that there are never any guarantees anymore about anyone.

I mean, we can look at that negatively and say it really stinks (and many times I do that very thing), or I guess we can try to take that to heart and realize that with no guarantees we really try to live fully in the moments that we do get.

I never thought anything bad would ever happen to me in my marriage or in my life, really. I sometimes wish for those days back, but I also think it was kind of a curse to be so naive. Had XH and I ever been aware enough to ever talk about divorce or infidelity, maybe we'd never have had to go through it.

AJ and Ant - thanks for the responses. I am dealing with a lot of life transitions - my son is graduating and moving 4 hours away. My oldest daughter is getting married. I took my mother in this year so that she could gain her financial footing - (disaster!) and now I will be moving her back in August. So come August 1st - I will be utterly and completely alone. Now - honestly, I'm ok with this. I am looking forward to having time to concentrate on myself - but the wonderings have increased and I'm not sure why.

Thanks again for taking the time to respond.

Irish,
Boy! You've got a lot going on in the next 3-4 months! Maybe what's going on is possibility fear of the unknown and knowing that you will finally have an empty nest and can begin focusing on you and what you want to do w/your life. Don't look too far down the road for now...take each day as it comes and just enjoy the flowers blooming and all of the beautiful things that Mother Nature has done with the landscaping this year.

Irish, I sincerely believe that once your "nest" is empty and you find that you have time on your hands, you are going to find something absolutely wonderful to do w/your time and you will do whatever it is beautifully and exceptionally well.

Here's to wonderful future that is waiting for you to open the door and invite it in!

Beautiful post, AJ.

IB, you will continue from time to time to think about stuff like that.

It is what you do with the thoughts that matter.

You are going through some big lifechangers. So, it is natural for you to think, boy, this is not how I thought my life was going to be at this stage of my life.

And so, take a moment to acknowledge those feelings. Then remember that you were an amazing wife and his actions do not in anyway reflect on you.

Once never knows what is going to happen so seize whatever life brings your way.

Snodderly and Brookie -

I don't know if you will every know how appreciated and valued you are!

Had a bit of a breakthrough today. I have been working out with a trainer with a group of friends (including my son:)) I am so embarrassed at how out of shape I have become and sometimes I find myself coming close to tears. I realized that working out is making me FEEL pain. And in order for me to get through life I completely avoid these feelings - I stuff them.

Not sure what I am going to do with this knowledge but it sure shook me.

IB I forget what set my "feeling pain" off several months ago but I had a similar epiphany. I think maybe it was an illness or something that caused me a lot of anxiety. Anyway I remember at the time that eventually I came to this thought that perhaps it was good to feel pain emotionally again and to really let loose crying as it meant I was FEELING and not repressing. Like I said I don't recall the details but remember a big period of leapfrogging ahead after that time. It is probably part of the initial stages of letting go.