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oh yankee... you dandy doodle...

Over yonder at bill's ranch, you said...



liar, liar pants on fire...!



awwwwww... that WAS sweet! but no... not at all pursuing...

Hey, it doesn't matter how you slice it. I sent an email to my W, just for fun to mess up her head today... even THAT is pursuing...

What's with the deadline, BTW?

Hi KD -

Thanks for your response.

Is BDay gift buying pursuing? I didn't see it that way, but maybe it is. I just couldn't not get him something particularly after the debacle he went through last week with my pressie. At least it wasn't D&G's The One For Men cologne.

The reason for the deadline is because I want to get some movement in this arena. Limbo land is too close to hell for my liking. I'd rather take my chances. Say he doesn't wake up for another 2 years - yikes!!

I don't think I can go through the summer with this thing being unresolved one way or another. I liken it to what a doctor on call must feel like. A part of me is reserved - just in case something might happen. I want all of me back.

Actually, as I say that, I realise I should have all of me back all the time regardless. Hmmm, something to think about. I guess I feel guarded and I'm tired of feeling on guard.

hi YC - how are you doing - i know that feeling of being left out - it is so painful - i felt that for months in the beginning. are you doing better now?

the only thing that helped me through things like that was the advice "don't think about things that hurt - just wipe it out of your mind"

applies to thinking about WAS with OP also!!

so wipe it out of your mind and remember that the universe has your interests at the forefront - always

((( )))
zig

ps. i thought that allowing meant no deadlines??

Hi Zig - feeling better thanks. After my little vent, up floated an inspiration of not having to have the same R at all if it ever restarts again. I can be me and have my R in a totally renewed way. This is all just an idea, and reality could be a challenge, but for now, if feels good to want that.

You're totally right Zig - out of mind - wiped clean. Ok, I clearly have some meditation to do for myself tonight.

And yes, allowing doesn't have any deadlines. I guess it's just to placate my ego

up floated an inspiration of not having to have the same R at all if it ever restarts again

yes i've just started realizing that too -

allowing doesn't have any deadlines. I guess it's just to placate my ego

remember (grin) no ego here. pride and ego have no place in a relationship
let go , let the universe...

It's not so much whether WE see it as pursuing... unfortunately, it appears that is just the way the WAS sees it... you could be yelling at him and he'd think you were pursuing him...

As for the "time" issue... that's exactly it. Time is just time, but when you are ready to let go the rope... you're just ready... setting time frames sets us up for disappointment if we aren't ready by them...

You're doing good it seems... I'm just checking in...

Thank you Zig and KD.

OK - I will try to let go of the time factor

I read on another thread something about the Stockdale paradox -which also addresses the time factor and "It's not so much whether WE see it as pursuing... unfortunately, it appears that is just the way the WAS sees it..

When I get back tonight from my lectures, I will do a stock check - and review something my H emailed me a while ago and match it with what I've been doing so far. It might help me see if my self-improvements are on target.

At least I can then be more sure if I am moving in the direction of developing myself instead of wading in impatience.

Thank you for the feedback.

I think that the above text was just for his benefit - to try & prove to himself that he's doing great - sounds like he's trying to convince himself he's doing great more than anything.

You did the right thing not responding to him - these WAS's sure know how to be a turd when they want to!!

You handled it well YC

Bill

Thanks Bill - I think you are right.

I haven't had a chance to take stock, but will do later in the week.

The bad news is it's nearly that time of the month and I'm breaking out in a few acne cysts on my chin - 3 big bright red ones! Not good. No matter now much make-up I put on to conceal them or deaden down the redness, they just manage to come through. Arghhhh!

What does this have to do with anything?

My H came over today to help me pack. I felt so self-conscious because of these THINGS! He was graceful enough not to mention anything.

So, we got on with the packing, and my god it was pretty heart wrenching. Naturally, we were clearing out old shelves and files, and came across quite a few old photos, notes we had written to each other over the years, stories of when we acquired such and such furniture. I have to say I'm very very proud of myself for holding it together. I did shed a few tears privately though.

You know what I kept thinking? I kept thinking, "I hope she was worth it!!!!" and "When I find out who it was, I'm going to ruin her reputation and she'll wish she was never born!!" Then, of course I started thinking about all the friends who have probably been supportive of him 'moving on'. Then I thought, Well, it was him too..he's not all innocent and naive either. I told myself, "All in good time, all in good time."

I really did have to hold onto my tongue at the beginning of this process. Not exactly a saint though, I did manage to let slip a comment that I nearly regretted. He was talking about a friend of his and his wife who went to a gallery and talked about some artist. I said, "That's really nice that he shares those experiences with his wife. It's a very good thing for him to do." My resentment got the better of me. He diffused it quickly.

So, we got on with clearing stuff out, but first we got the supplies. I put my shoes on and as we walked out and said, "Those are new shoes." I said, "Yea, they are." Gosh, he is noticing things these days. Like last week I got my hair cut - only an inch came off, and he said, "You got a haircut." So, he notices things suddenly - or maybe he always did but never said anything before?

Anyway, we threw so much crap away. It was hard to speak - I just got on with it. So did he. He asked if I wanted to take both cats. I said I could only take 1 with me since that's what the lease allows. It's still up in the air - I'd like both as they keep each other company and I love both of them. But my new landladies might get upset - so I don't know what I'll do.

At our half-way break, we got talking about one of our earlier places we lived in. I said something innocent, and he nearly jumped down my throat about it - basically his resentment got the better of him. I diffused it quickly.

We got through the bulk of the work. I asked him if he would be around on Thursday with the actual move (originally he kind of sounded annoyed that he would have to take time off of work, so, at that time, I didn't push it).

Today, he offered to come to my new place to help me set up the wifi/hifi/TV/speakers, help set me up with the furniture and so forth. That was a pleasant surprise. I was getting myself psyched up to have to resort to adrenalin shots to do it all myself on Thursday.

It took about 5 hours of the two of us working virtually non-stop to get through it all.

At the end, we sat in the kitchen drinking iced tea. He said, "That was really tough." and he came to hug me. We both cried.

I thanked him for helping me.

He suggested he come by again tomorrow to give me my stuff and to finish off the job we started (recycling center etc.)

He eventually left. When he got to his home, he said, "Need some escape - it was pretty heavy and sad today and when I got back."

I texted back that I agreed.

So, we agree on that!