Thanks all for your kind words, its great to read about my strength in the moments I am not feeling it. It helps a lot!
H has sent a few emails and I only responded to the ones I had to. He circled back to the email from before about "what S said on Saturday morning" and I wasn't sure what he was referring to at first.
S made a comment when H arrived Saturday morning about "dad you are acting like you are on (H's drug of choice)"
H asked me today "do you think he knows something, or that was a coincidence. He said he heard all of the arguments, did he hear that"
My response was "i don't anything more than you do"
I feel like I want to discuss with S later, but if it was a strange coincidence I don't want to make him think further into it. Both boys are out with friends now so I am thinking and praying on how to handle.
Bklyn, I completely agree, isn't it amazing how that is all our fault. I never realized the power I had
Val I appreciate this! We were posting at the same time so I am coming back to address.
I understand where you are coming from, and for now I have agreed to this Saturday night. If there is a concern after a time or two we will re-evaluate. I am hoping he will find a place to live by then and it will be a non issue.
There is a serious concern for safety as he has used in the home, and may again if I am not here to stop it. He brings his party buddies here and the kids literally make fun of them, it is sad honestly.
I am hoping that I can enforce that boundary and if he wants to see that buddy he has all of the time in the world to do it when he is not with the kids.
So for now he will be here this weekend and I will go, and after talking to my L I will have a clearer handle on it.
Considering what you've shared... S15 might have heard the drug argument.
I'll tell you... If I didn't know that S15 could have heard it come up, I would say to let it go.... Because I have teens, and they say things like.. "Why are you acting like you're on drugs?" When they mean, to them, you're acting strangely.
But, it seems odd that he would use the specific drug name... I guess I've just never heard my boys even mention specific drugs, just as a general term.
I think i would ask him why he brought that up to his Dad. Maybe let him know that it gave you cause for concern for him to mention drugs... If he shrugs it off, just blame it on your Mom duty to investigate those kind of comments!
If its real, something tells me he will share what he knows w/you. If he was being flippant, you'll probably just get laughed at a bit. No biggie. My boys get a giggle out of my concerns a lot... And probably roll their eyes!
As for H... Definitely ask your L tomorrow, but... I think I'd be inclined to draft an email to him, stating they you're not intending to change your mind on interim visitation, but... Here are the expectations while in the marital home and in charge of the boys...
- Curfews for boys - Consistant cleanliness, nutritional and educational standards as when he lived in marital home and you were there, leading... - Consistant teen rules - Zero alcohol and/or drug use - Arrival and Departure times staggered by 15 minutes so you aren't coming and going w/each other present. - Continued access to boys via phone while not w/boys - Encouragement of both parents involvement in boys school/sports activities. - Notification to other parent if they are leaving town. - Privacy concerns in your bedroom/office
Also, take all boys' identification documents and put in an offsite safe deposit box.
My xH got a little freaky when stressed, so I even took his passport and put it w/all of the other identification documents. He has never asked for it. LoL
Just my thoughts for now.
I hope he calms down. If he only had the desire to make a choice for his family....
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Well a lot more is clear to me now b/c a lot of your posts seemed too vague to me or I must have missed an entire thread somewhere...
In any event, now that I am more familiar with your sitch, I want to know this.
Have you outlined in any written communication, what it is specifically, that
YOU NEED FROM HIM?
I'd love you to have a record of that somewhere...and then when he says he's confused or you are changing the rules
you can ask him if he's attending Narcotics Anon or AA meetings yet, and if not, is he willing to take an over the counter drug test in order to take the boys somewhere or to be in the home?
Why not put that in writing? (If your L has suggested otherwise, please disregard of course).
IF that is a dealbreaker for you or a condition for him to even discuss time together, or a condition for him to drive the boys anywhere OR a condition for him to be in the home---just be clear.
From where I sit, I still get a sense of vagueness with a lot of this. I don't know what you have verbalized with him. But he can CLAIM you told him "as previously discussed" and then you may have a bump in the road, legally.
However If you are emailing anyhow, have you told him to stop using and or stop cheating (yes, SOME spouses have to be reminded) and to not have fellow users at the home, and not to use in the home?
While his using outside the home in his free time, may no longer be your business, the protection of the children/home - STILL IS...put it in writing.
You may also add in "as I've told you" a few times? Not to escalate, but to protect and in his case, to remind...
I think you are trying to navigate your way thru this ordeal w/the kids and the home as the priority in mind. Express that if you can.
The more that is in writing, the better off you are legally and perhaps it's better for you maritally too.
At least then, when he's in the fog of being high or drunk then later on he can "recall" more clearly b/c it's in writing.
He sure seems to need a roadmap doesn't he?
(((( ))))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Autumn. If the answer is yes to him acting like he was on "his drug of choice" above... And/ Or does on occasion... I like the idea of having him take an at home OTC drug test.
You can get them at good pharmacies. And, we got a breathalyzer machine at Sams Club. (good scare tactic for teens, too! LOL)
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Well a lot more is clear to me now b/c a lot of your posts seemed too vague to me or I must have missed an entire thread somewhere...
In any event, now that I am more familiar with your sitch, I want to know this.
Have you outlined in any written communication, what it is specifically, that
YOU NEED FROM HIM?
I'd love you to have a record of that somewhere...and then when he says he's confused or you are changing the rules
you can ask him if he's attending Narcotics Anon or AA meetings yet, and if not, is he willing to take an over the counter drug test in order to take the boys somewhere or to be in the home?
Why not put that in writing? (If your L has suggested otherwise, please disregard of course).
IF that is a dealbreaker for you or a condition for him to even discuss time together, or a condition for him to drive the boys anywhere OR a condition for him to be in the home---just be clear.
From where I sit, I still get a sense of vagueness with a lot of this. I don't know what you have verbalized with him. But he can CLAIM you told him "as previously discussed" and then you may have a bump in the road, legally.
However If you are emailing anyhow, have you told him to stop using and or stop cheating (yes, SOME spouses have to be reminded) and to not have fellow users at the home, and not to use in the home?
While his using outside the home in his free time, may no longer be your business, the protection of the children/home - STILL IS...put it in writing.
You may also add in "as I've told you" a few times? Not to escalate, but to protect and in his case, to remind...
I think you are trying to navigate your way thru this ordeal w/the kids and the home as the priority in mind. Express that if you can.
The more that is in writing, the better off you are legally and perhaps it's better for you maritally too.
At least then, when he's in the fog of being high or drunk then later on he can "recall" more clearly b/c it's in writing.
Good morning!! 25 I agree with you about the vagueness and I am getting everything into writing now, and going forward we are using email and text only.
I told him that I plan to list out my needs/expectations and he said he is doing the same
Tonight he is bbq'ing with the kids here and I will go out. He is leaving before 10 to be sure we don't see each other. I'm leaving tax papers for him to sign on counter
He has calmed down tremendously and is more business like now, and even thanked me for help with a banking issue.
I just got a message from one of my sister in laws (his younger brothers wife). She just found out. It was very nice to hear from her. I really love her. I messaged back and kept it as nice and vague as possible, not bashing anyone
The boys are indifferent, I tried to get them excited and said "it will be a great night to bbq with dad" and they shrugged. They are teenagers, they do that
He is calm thankfully, and I hope it stays that way for a while.
I called the attorney again and she is out of the office, they are hoping she will be back tomorrow.
I feel so good today!! I have a lot of hope and feel strong. It is beautiful here too. I think that may be part of my good mood.
The boys ended up having a nice visit with H last night. I'm glad they did. I think they just needed to break the ice, and realized that they do miss him.
He texted me to tell me he was leaving and thank me.
This morning I told him that he should have more time with them if he wants, it is best for the boys. He was thrilled and thankful, and told me he would send suggestions later.
I really hope my L is in today, she has been out the past 2 days. While we are setting visitation and finances ok now, things can change if he gets upset and I just want to be protected.
I'm feeling really good. I've been so incredibly happy, which is nice. The nice weather in my area doesn't hurt too!
Just a quick check in, really not too much to say which is ok with me. No news is good news, right?
