Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Trying to erase her past

MMF - I see alot of similarities in my situation. Also together 20 years and married just short of 18 years when DH left. Left me the house and everything in it. Only took his clothes, computer, tools. Anything personally his. He also acts like the past never happened. He also avoids seeing me in person and when he does have to most times seems to need to run off. Sometimes he will chat for a couple minutes and I'll catch him checking me out. Lol, us girls notice these things. Luckily for the kids they have always been most important to him so that never changed. But I can see he's not happy and I've heard it from other people. He blows things out of proportion with our DS19. Actually he tends to blow most things out of proportion. Every little problem seems to be the end of the world. He's also cut off contact with people important to him in his life like a friend who was older and kind of a father figure to him. (his own father passed away suddenly when DH was 15).
It will be 4 years in Aug. since he left. Still no separation agreement but he did finally tell me Jan. 25 he did want the divorce and wanted closure. Somehow I doubt signing on the dotted line is going to bring him the happiness he's looking for. And that's 2 months ago now and I haven't heard another word about it. Hmmm....

@TSquared2 - Thank you for the link. I hope your W wakes up soon.

@Trusting - Wow! What a good point. MLC is a lack of courage. It does take a lot more to stick it out and work on yourself. I've been doing this for over 5 years and feel there is still improvement.

@AJ - I agree with your 4 cents. It is amazing how closely our situations mirror each other. I think that the guilt must be overwhelming and the pain they are feeling is unbearable. I can't imagine leaving those I love and other memories behind. I really feel sorry for our MLC spouses that are so lost. They are hurting themselves more than anyone (although the bodies are littered everywhere and the pain never really leaves).

@Kaffe Diem (love the name) - You have some excellent insight. The OP in my situation and for so many I have read about on this board for five years has been fairly consistent. I think they are nothing but a deadbolt to keep them from entering the door to the one they left behind. And you are right about the healing cannot take place until they stop avoiding what they have left behind. My W has actually proudly claimed that she can put up walls around herself. She has encouraged the kids to do the same.

@Cadet- I understand what you mean. They don't seem to allow themselves to love because, if they do, then they open themselves up to potential hurt. I have to say that I dont think they actually stop loving us. And that is why they have to put distance between themselves and the LBS. They are afraid of weakness because we were the ones that they used to let see their frailties. But I do agree that their answer is to stop loving. When you mentioned hormones I thought back to shortly before this all happened was when she started getting hot flashes. Even though she looked young (and still is at 44) when she left, she started experiencing some of the ravages of age such as the already mentioned hot flashes (decreased estrogen), wearing reading glasses and other issues (mostly minor). It didnt help that I (at 5 1/2 years older than her, didnt start wearing reading glasses until several years later and have not experienced any other issues, except for graying hair.

@Renee - I really hurt for you. He doesnt realize what he's missing (or he is too afraid to admit it to himself). And how long will he want to have a fake front in front of the OP? As much as we like to look good for our spouse, it was nice to be able to wear an old sweatshirt, not bother to shave, and kick back with someone who loves us whether we are dressed to the nines or chillaxing with each other.

@cwf - WE do have a lot of similarities. In a way it makes sense, people have actions and reactions. Reactions to stimuli makes us act a certain way. If many of the issues affecting people deep in an MLC have similar root causes, whatever they may be, it makes sense that their responses will be similar to others going through a similar plight. I think it is why I am sorry for my W and for others spouses even though they are being selfish. I now love my W in the sense she is the mother of my children and she was my best friend. I dont care for the person she has become but I feel so sorry for her. While she can appear happy (or is it fun distractions?) it appears like it is an act. Unfortunately, our respective children are the ones that suffer the most. In all the cases I have seen, I see kids with issues. They didnt ask for this. And regarding the divorce, it did bother me but I realized that it is simply part of this "fun" journey. It doesnt really change anything. You can't erase all the years no matter how much you try.

You said above that their answer is to stop loving and that you don't believe they actually stop loving us. That really is my husband. I may be a fool but I do believe that deep down he does still love me. He has issues he can't seem to resolve and this is his way to do it. And like you said about the person your wife has become, I don't think I like this unhappy person. And I do feel sorry for him too. He says he wants closure and to move on but to what? He says he wants to be alone. That can't be good for anyone. I know I'm not happy with that.

My dad made a statement to me today about my MLC ex. He said "the guy has no direction, he is just spinning in the wind lashing out at everyone and everything". You can't help but feel empathy for what they are going through. Their superficiality is so apparent to most, but unfortunately the ML'er can't see it in themselves. When I saw my ex last month at a student conference, I could feel he still loves me. He fights so hard to not "feel" the truth.

Trusting,
Your father is spot on! Yes, you xh still loves you, but he is fighting so very hard not to. It's really a very sad way to live. I sure wouldn't want to live that way.

Perhaps it's because we have seen behind the mask that they are so afraid. As you mentioned later in your post, you can't undo the past no matter how hard you try. All you can change is your perception of it. Even that is folly. I realized early on that when she was trying to "re-remember" our past together it wasn't going to work for her and it wasn't going to work for me. I opted to not re-remember our past together.

My ex states she doesn't trust me. I wondered at that for a while. But I have no explanation for it. I got a glimpse and suspect she doesn't want her secrets to come out, not even to her new self. She seems afraid of being called names (adulterer, liar, scumbag, etc) even though it seems ok for her to call me names. I don't call her names any longer, because I don't let her suck me into the drama, but it was something I noticed along the way and it makes me think she has an image issue that she protects at all costs. She also has to run away when we're at functions together. Acts like her a** is on fire and her hair is catching

Can't explain it, but it does seem there is weight to the statements about their feelings. As if they cannot let themselves care about or trust us. As if that might stop their forward momentum. Habit? Something deeper? I dunno...

Either way, there are boundaries. There are things she has done that are inexcusable even for friends. Is what it is and we have to deal with it as we see fit. Perspective is what matters. Boundaries too. We have to be people and we have to accept that even if we did not ask for it.

We have the advantage of not being a total jerk. Of being rational. Graceful. Happy. I do not envy their choices, but I do respect that they are theirs to make.

AJ

@cwf - I am sure you are right that you H still loves you. I firmly believe that if someone in our lives actually could stop loving us, they wouldn't have an issue when they see us. Instead their physical, facial and even vocal responses show otherwise. As it has been described many times by others here, they are spinning and twisting, trying to find footing. This is only my opinion but I believe they are trying to get away from themselves. When they marry someone, the two become permanently intertwined. Separation and divorce cannot change that. This is why there is often so much bitterness between couples. The only exceptions to this are with couples that never really became close. They married for convenience or sex or not wanting to be alone. All others, who committed to any level, are "broken" when the split occurs.

@Trusting - Your dad is very astute. I have a feeling many others see the same thing. I agree with snodderly. He still loves you.

@Snodderly - So accurate.

@AJM - Do you think your wife is embarassed by the person she has become? We all know if we do something wrong such as sleeping with someone other than our spouse, the guilt is tremendous. And when she calls you names, is it more like her need to blame you because she can't look at herself and be honest?

Hey MMF

First off...the Adele song is about being LEFT by her boyfriend...she was famously dumped by him and wrote the whole album as a sort of cathartic thing...a "been done wrong by" album and now that she is in a healthy good relationship she has said that she hopes her music is still popular

I think it is about guilt...guilt about leaving, guilt about leaving the way they left, guilt about still feeling love but nothte kind of love they are "supposed" to feel, guilt about not being able to explain that to the person they are with now...

you know, we all have this vision of how our lives will be when we reach a certain age or stage of our lives

and

when our lives don't follow that vision, we get disappointed and need someone to blame (well most of us ) so we think if we get rid of this person we are blaming maybe then our vision will get back into focus...

but it doesn't

but we still can't see the that flaw is in our vision

it has to be somewhere else

so we might even start blaming ourselves

along with all of those things comes guilt

we might even change the vision to be a new vision but there is always THE vision

we have got to let go of THE vision

because there isn't one

there just IS

if you are always comparing to a fantasy, you will never be happy

Hey MMF. I honestly do not know what it is. I know before she left you could feel the guilt eminanting from her. You could also feel the relief and jubilation and glee and sadness and all the other conflicting pieces. I watched as she felt like she loved me but wasn't in love with me (whatever that means?) and as she blamed herself, then me, then her childhood, then me. I watched as she made up stories to support the blaming of me.

It was as if she was an alien in her own body. She wasn't comfortable with herself. But she wasn't able to justify "why". Weird to describe. It was as if she needed to create extra drama and pain and needed that to feel anything at all. As if she overloaded all the emotions and couldn't process. I still feel that she is a hair's breadth from that even today. As if she is struggling to gain control and uses me (or tries) to do that.

If I believed half of what she says, then I would hate me too. Don't get me wrong. It's just that I watched as she cycled through at least 10 different personalities, like trying on coats, before she left. Even now I see "breaks" in the personalities and I'm not even looking.

I think when she calls me names or tries to argue her point; it's like watching a child argue they didn't steal the cookies even though they have oreo on their hands/shirt/face while they say it. Sometimes I think it is to reinforce that she is right and I am the bad guy. By the way, the victim assertion didn't start until about a month after she announced she wanted a divorce.

I remember thinking that she shattered into a 1000 pieces when this all started. All in all, it is like watching a broken person learn how to be a person again. How to feel again. How to act. I actually referred to it once as an emotional stroke

I finally stopped watching the trainwreck as it happend. I had a front row seat for too long. It's been an interesting and wild ride, but it's not mine to take.

Does she feel guilty? I don't know. I don't know if she is capable where it concerns me. Not that she's sociopathic, but it's as if she is where it concerns me. Complete lack of empathy for other's feelings.

I say that because it's not really normal to be as rageful and angry as she is even years later. For things she made up in the first place.

In the end there is no changing it nor understanding it. To guess is a waste of time really. To guess what she feels or sees or thinks is to invite lunacy.

I care. I care that she is well and does well. I hope she does. But I can in no way guess what her intent is. I don't really like to expect the worst, but it seems to be the best way for me. So I've gotten to a point where I take the facts and deal with those. Nothing more. But I do remember the feelings and thoughts....

Does that help?

AJ

WoW AJ,

This really hits home with me. Your perpective is very good. It really is like they have an emotional stroke, or perhaps they're really broken into 1000 pieces, like a puzzle. They know they're broken, and they really need to piece themselves back together.

And just like a jigsaw puzzle they just have to keep working on putting pieces together. The only way a puzzle is ever put together is with patience, trial and error.