Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Over 3 Years and Still a Donkey's Behind!!!!

We hate to see you keep getting hurt.

Is your nephew still with you?

Nope. I totally get that. My daughter doesn't talk to me any longer. I followed a similar route. My ex let her anger spill over to the kids. My daughter accepted, my son did not. They are both afraid to go against their mother because she wigs out on them. My ex moved three blocks from my house (the one she left).
So I totally get it.
But here's the thing. Your son knows better. You raised him. You have to, at some point, trust him with the relationship. Completely. It is sad to miss out on that time. Harder for him later than it is for you. Really.
Not taking your husband to court to get what is rightfully yours serves no purpose. Being worried that your son is going to be driven farther away? I get that, but I don't see it. He's already as far as he can be. He can't go further or longer, but he can think that his dad is right if you don't fight for what is yours.

They will try to enlist the kids help. It's one way we know they are crazy because NO parent should ever do that to their kids. No excuse (almost none anyway; exceptions exist for violent or criminal behavior right?)

I get it. I feel it. It is real and it won't go away. You'll have to face it and deal with it the best you can and your son will have to make his decisions with or without his dad.

Teenage boys need their dads more than their mothers. That's how it is. Just like it is for daughters to need their mom's more than their dads at some point. Truth is, they need both, but they need one more than the other at times. That's normal.

Your son knows. He has his doubts about what he sees. But that doesn't excuse you from loving him unconditionally more than yourself, and it doesn't excuse you from using what is at your disposal to get what you rightfully deserve.

If he can't be there, he can at least respect you. He may not tell you for many years, but he'll see. He'll watch. He'll know.

My cousins went through similar. Their mom left over 20 years ago. Similar situation. Know what? They have a great relationship with their father and mother now. My uncle and aunt are both friends now, after many years of craziness. Know what my cousin told me? He mentioned that his mom is happy now. He knew all along but had his own life to live as well. He said some things that hurt his dad early on. It's water under the bridge now. They are all very close now and they have two new sisters to go with it

AJ

Ah AJ, you are spot on.

Sun, first of all, this is still a place that one can come to for help. Some of the people that were on are not now, but, there are still wonderful people here.

We are here to help, but, that doesnt mean that we are just going to tell you what you want to hear. That wouldnt serve much purpose though, right?

The object if for us to get each other to think and to push sometimes when someone is stuck.

And sometimes when we feel that perhaps the person might not be hearing us, we tend to back off for a bit because it's not really helpful to them and it can be frustrating for us.

You still cant understand how your xh can still be so angry. And that serves no purpose. He is how he is. That's it.

That being said, I hear what you are saying. I do. I get the financial part all too well.

Here's the thing. The financial part and the divorce part are separate from your son. While he was obviously affected by the divorce, he has no part in what transpired between the two of you. Nor does he have any part in anything not settled between the two of you.

Your son knows you love him. He knows what is true and what is not.
But think about it. If he is afraid of his father, doesnt that tell you that he knows his shortcomings. He knows who he is. But he needs to be with his father right now.

Your son, by virtue of his age, is still trying to figure life out. He is trying to understand things. And for right now, he needs to be with his dad in order to do that.

He has given you strong signs that he needs for you to not try to get in touch with him. Sweetie, I can only imagine how much it hurts not to see your son. But, I know you love him enough to give him the room he needs to find his way.

As far as worrying about what your son will think about you going to court? You do what is right for you.

Give your son credit. He knows deep down. He does, Sun. Let him see a woman who is strong.

And AJ is right, if you dont fight for what is yours, he might think his father is right.

Sun, hard as it is, you have to let your son walk his journey. As a mother, that is the greatest gift you can give him. He knows just where to find you when he's ready.

Renee,

Read and re-read AJ'a and Brookie's posts to you. So much wisdom there.

Stop playing the victim and stand up and do right by yourself. Show your son how a strong confident woman conducts herself.

Thank you guys. I really really appreciate your wisdom and the time you took to post to me.

Andabelle.....Yes my nephew is with me. He keeps me on my toes. lol
I am thankful so much that I have him to keep me busy. Being alone [censored]! Well sometimes anyway.

AJ....You are so right about young boys needing their fathers. It's their mothers when they are young though.
I also know my son knows better and no he has cut me out of his life thats true BUT I dont want to prolong that. I have waited over 2 yrs. thats a much longer wait than waiting on the MLC to come around.


Brookie.....I know there are still many people here that give good advice and I know that I was a mess during all this and prb made some of them scream a time or two (maybe still do). AND I know we all need pushing. BUT to call me an outright liar basically. Not in those words but Fig made me feel as if I was lying. I have no reason to lie. I don't contact my xh and if I feel like I have too (which ends up wrong), its for a good reason. I know we all mean well. BUT gee enough is enough sometimes. Yes push me but dont call me a liar.
My divorce will hurt for yrs prb. It touched many more details of my life other than just MY MAN LEAVING. Its so much more than that and you know that.
Snodderly is the other one I spoke about.
She helped me so much along the way adn i am sure she got aggrigvated. BUT it seems when one incident on here where I asked for Sandy's advice, Snodderly quit posting to me.
I have tried to talk to her because I am bothered about this but she refuses adn I think that is so childish.
If I have offended any of you PLEASE at least tell me why you no longer post to me. It may be that I really need that advice and you may have the right answer. BUT to ignore me is not the way to do it.
I am just that way.

About my son. Brookie I dont want to prolong him staying away any longer. I am between a rock and a hard spot.
Do you know how hard it was for me to ask son to go stay with his Dad? I did it with tears streaming down my face and cop friend standing there with us. Do you remember? I have questioned myself since then.
I took the advivce from many here and did that. I am not blaming anyone but I should have listened to my heart.
I dont want to make that mistake again.
Again I am saying I AM NOT BLAMING ANYONE HERE. It's just that we are not face to face and we each can only go by whats written here.
There is two sides to every story and sometimes I think we look over that.
I am willing to let my son walk his Journey. It's the wait that hurts the most and I SURE don't want to prolong that.

Seeking I guess I am playing a victim by not getting what is mine.
BUT all the money in the world is not worth going thru this.

Everyday Seeking I pray. I pray that nothing happens major in our family and I have to reach son, just to have him not respond.
I havent told you all I was in the hospital for my blood pressure and my heart rate was 150!
My son doesnt knowledge this stuff.
I was in a car wreck and my son was just up the rd. My dad knocked on his door and he wouldnt even answer.
I pray everyday that nothing happens in son's life because I am telling you I would not be allowed 50 feet from them.
AND I guess I would go to jail because if my son needs me I would run to him.
I cant express enough how son was affected by this divorce.

I know GOD will fix things. I just hope until then we are all protected and dont really need each other.

My situation is awful.
Yes I am having a pity party. Hope you never have to walk in my shoes.

I wanted to add that I know my son Loves me and I know he knows whats right.
BUT the fear he must have is awful. He is so scared of losing his dad. He knows I will be here.
Son told someone that he hadnt talked to me for over 2 yrs. but they just didnt understand. I dont understand what he meant.
I dont know how I can ever forgive my xh for doing this to our son but I know I have to find a way.

Right. Get that. Of course you don't want to prolong that. I would expect you to be crazy if you did.





Let's play devil's advocate for a second. If you had it to do again, would you do it over again? If I look at your posts, I think I see you did what I would consider the right thing to have done for your son. I guarantee you he is thinking about it too. He tested his feelings against somebody else, and they didn't understand. The feedback? Your son isn't the norm according to that person. Does he blame you for it? For now he might. I doubt it.

Regardless how painful it is, this is something you son needs to go through. As much as it [censored], it he needs to go through it. Not because you or he asked for it, but because it is part of his growing up. You can't see the future to know what benefit he'll get from knowing these things. They will become apparent later. But speaking as a man who was once a child, I can say there are some painful times and choices you have to make. Some need structure and discipline for a while. Those that do, will get it anyway they can - military, prison, drugs, an estranged parent, etc. They'll do it until they are done and have had enough. Then they break away.

That's a normal part of the American culture and growth.

Do you doubt you did the right thing, Sunshine? Looking past the hurt, would you do it again for your son and the reasons you did it? Are you second guessing?

AJ

That's normal.

SSL,

Can I ask why you ask for advice when you already know what you will and will not do?

Has your XH been this hostile toward you right along? If he has, didn't you expect that he would possibly try and turn your son against you when he went to live with your X? This is not to say that you deserve the treatment you're getting, but how do you expect it to change when you don't even stand up for yourself? If you truly believe that you did the right thing by sending your son to live with his father, then stand by that choice, and stop the pity party.

I also believe that God will take care of us, but He also helps those that help themselves. When the time comes for your son to be able to stand up to his father and say he wants to have a relationship with you, that's when it will happen. No amount of wallowing in it will make it happen any faster.

It svcks, no one will argue with that. but patience and continuing to move forward are what will see us through.

And BTW, I wish none of us had to walk in the shoes we're walking in.

Hey Seeking....thank you for posting to me.
I will try to answer some of your questions.

Why did I ask for advice? Well because I had not made up my mind yet and came here for support. Thats when I felt like I was called a liar. I was trying to decide if it was worth it because of my sons reaction.

My xh got this way when he moved in his gf. I could hear her in the background sometimes telling him what to say.
When she came in the picture he stopped paying the tv bill and giving me twenty dollars here and there. Yep thats all I got besides threats that if I called him and asked for more he would quit his job and move away with our son and I would never see either of them again. SCARED me to death!
It also didnt help when I couldnt break contact with him. (you know that story already).

Actually I NEVER thought he would trun our son against me. I knew he didnt care to hurt me BUT I didnt think he would involve son like that.

Seeking I have tried to stay away from my xh including no phone calls, even though at times like when I was in the hospital and wanted my son there. I should have been able to have someone call xh and pass the word onto son (not that it would matter), but I have never had that choice.
Has much as I hate it, I have to continue to stay clear. If I try to take my xh to court, he will MAKE SURE my life is a living Hell. He will use our son to do most of it.
XH was a cop for years. I know he would use his power to his advantage. He already has.
DOnt you remember he got a protection order against me for calling him twice in one week. (that was when he wouldnt sign the title to MY car that he LEFT ME IN THE DIVORCE.) NO i didnt have an attorney so I couldnt go thru one unless i paid.
NOT only did he get a protection order for two years. He got a harrassment warrant against me and they set my bond at 750.00!!! I have never even had a speeding ticket that I can remember.
The commonwealth attorney was his buddy.
Some of the cops he worked with that now no longer care for him said they had NEVER seen a bond that high on something like that, with me NEVER being in trouble or anyhting.
AND to back up......I TRIED to get a divorce attorney but NO ONE in my town would represent me because they felt like it was a conflict of interest because of being in court with xh when he was a cop.
YES i could have went to the next town, but I got disgusted and gave up.....prb should not have but I got tried of fighting with him and listening to his threats.
YES he won that battle and suckered me good!
Valuable lesson learned.
Guess I was afraid then to huh. ALL about my son and what xh would do. AND has done.
After the fact I thought NO he wouldnt have done that.
NOW I know he will use son.

As far as being in my shoes. YES we all have lost alot BUT I am going to tell you (and some here may be in teh same place), that having your only child not talk to you in years is THE WORST! I could have lost xh 10 times over and it not hurt this bad.

Thank you so much seeking.