Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - It's A Choice

Thanks Autumn. It definitely was a prayer answered.

W called me again. This time to inform me that her accountant said we had to file taxes together. She sent me a follow up email as well.

I find it interesting that she always calls before emailing when I have really only communicated via email for months. Not good or bad, just interesting.

Man - it's alot of contact for me. If we see each other on Saturday, it will be 4 months since we have last seen each other.

It will be hard for sure.

That is interesting that she calls first.

I know that Saturday may be difficult for you so be sure to be prepared, with possible responses and remain detached. Thinking of you and hope it goes very well.

Thanks Autumn.

I don't think we will be meeting on Saturday. This taxes thing is confusing and getting more and more expensive.

I finally talked to her yesterday. I was honestly tired of her calling me.

Now that I have processed a little bit.. here is where I am at.

- I've changed alot in the past year. I am very much the old Val.. the Val prior to my M. I am loving, kind, and positive for the most part. DBing may not always be easy, but it comes naturally.

I have learned how to communicate. There were many times yesterday, my w threw "digs" at me. I ignored some.. others I stood up for myself.

I have no desire to be part of a conversation where she is going to make me "guess" how she is feeling. If she is upset, angry, or whatever.. she can tell me. I know I will listen and validate.

.. but I no longer accept her expressing those feelings by putting me down or accusing me of something.

- My wife is no longer my responsibility. I will always care about her and if she would ever truly need me.. I know in my heart that I would be there....

...however she has "kicked me to the curb". Fixing her taxes is NOT my responsibility. I'll do my part for me, but not for her.

There are some people in this world that you have to guard my heart against. People who will take advantage of my kindness and abuse it.

In this moment, this is my wife. I do not know (or care to assume) that she does this with awareness of not.. only that this is where she is in her journey.

- The pain now is the pain that I will feel for a long time. I can move forward with the D knowing that I have moved on and detached as best I can. The rest is God healing my heart over time.

- Space is my friend. Distance is what I need right now. I am enjoying my life and think wonderful things about it.. but I need limited contact with her for awhile. Once the D is final, I will not speak to her at all until I am capable.

Not just because it hurts but because it's really easy for me to convince myself that she cares vs. being civil. I have much more to over come in my codependency. It's best to just keep working on me.

- As much as I would love for us to be civil and communicate as if we did love each other at one point... currently I am the only one who can do that.

Because no matter what I do, she will perceive me as "holding on" or "being angry". She will think what she has to or wants to. Maybe one day that will change.. but I feel like I have been consistent over the past 1 yr. It's up to her to see me...

... and I just don't think that will happen for awhile. She cannot understand what I am feeling.. because it wasn't her who went through it.

... Ahh and my phone rings again. g2g. Thanks DB family. I'm so grateful for you all.

((( )))

It is so true that no matter what you do she will see it as "holding on" or "being angry". Whatever, nothing you can do about that.

You have the right outlook, you need to care of yourself and not worry about what whats-her-name thinks.

Hi V-

I wanted to pop in and say hi and see how you are doing.
I don't get here as much as I used to. Quite frankly, sometimes I need to not remember that I have a gaping hole in my heart.

It sounds like you are doing pretty well.
You have come so far and have learned so much. It's been a privilege to watch you grow.
As hard as it is to lose our M's, the opportunity to grow and learn is invaluable. I know there are a lot of lessons I wouldn't have learned had I not been forced down this road.
The road is bumpy-but gets smoother in time.

Bless you, my friend.

@ DG - I struggle with that too. I often wonder if being on this board is yet another way of me holding on. The jury is still out on that one.

Wife called again this evening to inform me that she received our deductible check for the car. She wanted to schedule a time to meet and exchange things in regards to the car. She didn't bring up signing the dissolution papers in this exchange.

I'm fighting my mind pretty damn hard right now to not to try and guess why she recently made the change to CALL me about all of these things.

It's kinda crazy how everything comes back. Since I went dark, I haven't thought about w nearly as much. After one conversation, I miss her.

It's hard not to wonder how she doesn't miss me in return.

Regardless... all this means is that I need to go dark again. I don't want to get into the habit of talking to her on a regular basis... even if it is about D.

I need to stick to my plan to see her as little as possible.

Emotions.. they are a crazy thing.

Back to GALing the sh!t out of my weekend.

Hi Val,

I don't think it is crazy how everything comes back... D seems to me to be such a complicated and incomplete grieving process because she is still around... You are just making progress healing when she appears again and the wound is opened up again.

I am so new at this, but you seem to be doing all the right things for yourself, and I want you to know how appreciative I am of your support on this board. I so wish that the goodness you pour out to all of us, comes back to you.

I think that our best qualities have a difficult side to them.. and I believe, from reading your posts that you are an incredibly caring and sensitive person. I think those qualities also make it difficult to let go, because you have been able to love deeply and see the best in your W.

But you have also displayed on this board a great deal of strength and that strength is still there inside you, even when you go through those moments of pain.

Keep taking care of yourself. Big hugs! I am not sure how to abbreviate yet

Hey Everyone -

Would love some feedback on this email I'm about to send to w. It's in response to all of things I talked about recently.

-----------
W
To be honest, I don't want to pay $375-500 to do my taxes. I would like to do my own turbo tax as far as I can then share info. I'm not sure how to best do the sharing part of it yet.

As for finances left to get in order, it is:

The Car - Receiving my half of it's worth, me signing over the title to you
Co-Signing the check for last year's tax return
Splitting the "rainy day" bucket
The Car Accident reimbursements. I know you received the deductible. I have placed many calls in regards to getting a new check re-issued from the other insurance company as the names were misspelled.
This year tax refund - It might not be necessary if we file RDP - filing separately.

In regards to your phone about getting together for the car stuff, I would appreciate limiting the amount of times we need to get together to finalize things. My goal is to get everything taken care of by June 1st.

Best,
Val

---------

I'm ready as I'll ever be to move forward.. but I'm scared that this email seals the coffin because I'm not explaining why I want these things.. just how I want it.

But I need to let go.. I want to let go.. and I don't want to re-open the wound by seeing/talking to her more than I have to.

I want to heal.. and I don't think I can do until I walk away.

If y'all could help me work through this, I would greatly appreciate it.

first thought Val

is a tax one. Does she want to hire a professional for this?

As smart as you sound, I am biased b/c we have had 4 separate tax problems the past year.

2 of them we prevailed in and 2 we did not. (These issues involved 2 diff past years, (09 and 2010) and both the state AND the feds...wth?!! It's like we are on someone's list...sheesh...)

Anyhow I wish to God we'd just hired a CPA in the first place to handle it.

you'd avoid the crap we've experienced INCLUDING a mistake on the part of the state when they placed a lien on our home, in error...

and the closest thing to an apology I got, 5 months later, was "Release lien without charge. Lien placed in error."

As of 2 weeks ago, the lien was still there...nice. So you know where I stand on this. Hire someone and go out for dinner...


Oh--the last part about you not wanting to see her or minimizing the time you two are together, is NOT needed.

You can say "completed by June 1" as a way of saying you want to move forward and assume she does too.

No need for the rest about not having to see her much. Sounds a little nasty and

it's redundant, when you realize the implications of having it all complete by a certain date, don't you think?


Let me get back to you on the rest.

W
"To be honest, I don't want to pay $375-500 to do my taxes. I would like to do my own turbo tax as far as I can then share info. I'm not sure how to best do the sharing part of it yet."

This^^^sounds like you are asking for permission. Can you tell her directly that you are filling on your own?

"In regards to your phone about getting together for the car stuff, I would appreciate limiting the amount of times we need to get together to finalize things. My goal is to get everything taken care of by June 1st."

This^^^^I don't like how it sounds. Sounds a bit angry. just my2cs.

((((Val))))she doesn't need to be told that you don't want to talk to her. Just do it lovingly as you have. Some one just told me to decide with my heart and not my brain. Still fuzzy to me but thought I'll share.