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So Happy Easter to all. It just feels so wrong to be away from H today. This is my son's 11th birthday as well and we should be together as a family. I know this is hurting S. I wish I could take his pain away. It is All I can do to not call H and tell him how much this is hurting all of us. But it would be futile.

Off to church this morning. Looks like a bright beautiful day in NE Indiana. My mom had a birthday party for S last night and it was bittersweet to be around family. But they are very supportive. Afterward my brother and I met some friends and went dancing which I never get to do since I am always with the kids. It was nice getting out and having adult time.

Here's hoping for an Easter miracle for everyone!

So while I am at church services H calls several times and leaves a nasty voicemail that he demands to talk to the kids and this is ridiculous and he is starting go get annoyed. He is starting to get annoyed?? Gimme a break!!! Not to mention every time I have had the kids call him they get his voicemail. And forgive me for not being readily available when it is convenient for him to call. And not to mention that he is the one who chose not to spend Easter with his family.

I am sooooooooo mad and sad and torn right now. I am honestly not interfering with his line of communication with the kids but once again he is making me out to be the bad guy.

Both books say to break the cycle, the pursuer must stop pursuing, and not just sometimes but completely. They said that if you can successfully stop pursuing long term, either H will pursue you, or he won't. If he does, you're on the road to reconciliation. If he doesn't, then he's done and there's nothing you could have done anyway.

What's a bit confusing is that if you stop pursuing, H WILL pursue to get you to pursue again. It's a little tricky to see how that's different than the "goal" level of pursuit from H.

In my experience, the key is that when the distancer starts to rope you back in, you don't bite -- you do NOT pursue, no matter how tempted you are or how appealing they make it. The challenge for me is that this distancing behavior feels very "wrong", like I'm not being a good spouse. That takes a lot of getting used to.

Accuray

It does feel wrong. I can barely look at him at times without being completely overwhelmed. I am finding it almost impossible to detach at times.

I'm months into it and am in piecing as W says she wants it to work, but I feel loved as a sibling versus a husband. I can tell you that pursuing does feel great until you eventually realize how much you're sending and how little is coming back.

When you distance instead, you do appreciate what comes back as perhaps being more genuine, but the experience to me feels like watching black and white TV -- the story is there and you can get into it and enjoy it on occasion, but the color is definitely missed.

(Reading this over I don't know if this is for you or me, apologies!)

Accuray

he will do that for a long good while - if it's anything like my sitch was in the first months.

i remember noticing that if he couldn't find anything to get mad about, he made something up. they have to stay mad at you in order to do what they are doing, to convince themselves, while actually they are quaking inside with the horror of what they've done.

DON'T RISE TO THE BAIT - not even once, just calmly let them rant and rave and just stay quiet. eventually when they see you are not reacting, especially with anger (quiet firm, gentle voice and setting boundaries all the time) they will stop doing that - the eventually is endlessly long though and you'll feel like you're being put through the wringer every five mins

he wants you to rise to the bait - because if you get angry, then he can tell himself , see this why i'm leaving.

just don't give him fuel for his fire - and do it with a pleasant smile on your face

take care
zig

Had a decent night. S is staying the week with my mom so it's just me, H and D. My 180s are working well for me anyway. I am more soft spoken with my kids and less rigid about some of the rules. I feel better About myself now and I find it easier and easier to stay calmer. And I do not find myself watching the clock as much. I really love this 180!!! I am learning that Rome was not built in a day and I do not need to accomplish every single task in one evening. It will still be waiting for me

Played ten games of Hungry Hungry Hippos with H and D which is another 180. I normally don't play those games because there is too much to do. But tonight I said laundry can wait. Go get the game. It feels good now but at first it was like pulling teeth.

I really like the person I am becoming. I am pretty awesome after all. : )

Reading other posts on this board makes me so sad that marriage is so disposable in our society today. People are so selfish and so concerned with their own happiness that they don't realize happiness comes from making others happy too and sometimes from just doing the right thing.

I know some marriages just don't work out. There are addictions, abuse, etc. But it is so disheartening to read some of the sitchs on this board and see how many wonderful, caring people are going through so much pain and despair. I wish there was an easy button for all of us.

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

WH you took the words out of my mouth. Sometimes I feel like it is not worth it....its hard to keep hoping and fighting for something that might not even be there anymore.

Hi wishing - We all want the EASY button. Unfortunately there isn't one. I haven't read up on your sitch in a while, but I will go back and catch up.

Good going on stopping to play the game. That was pretty awesome to dedicate spending that time with H & D.

I LOVED Hungry, Hungry Hippo as a kid!