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Thanks, Zig. You are right. Tuesday I was feeling pretty good about myself. I have wonderful friends and supportive family and this place and I was pretty confident that no matter what happens I will be okay and my kids will be okay. I am more worried about my kids than I am about myself, but as a friend pointed out, "you cannot place oxygen masks on your kids until yours is firmly in place".

I have made plans for the summer for road trips to visit relatives in Oklahoma and North Carolina. I have been wanting to do this for years, with H, but there has always been some reason not to go. Money, vacation time, business trips, soccer, baseball, etc. I have made a point that he is not stopping me from going this time hell or high water. Life is too short to hesitate and I need to just jump off the diving board already.

Unfortunately my H will not move out. He cannot afford to move out and pay the house payment and at least he is not making stupid financial moves so the kids have to suffer. And again, you are correct. It is SOOOOOO much better when he is not around. The last year he has been travelling a lot so I am used to being a single mom and doing everything myself. It is hard on the kids though, and I would rather put up with him than have the kids ask where is dad. Even when there are moments I cringe and bite my tongue.

And I know detaching works because some of the small things I have done send him into near panic mode. For example, if he calls and I don't answer right away, he will call and call and call until he is almost in stalker mode. When I do call back he is very "concerned" and tells me how he tried to call me several time. I just act relaxed and upbeat and tell him I had a crazy day at work and I just couldn't get a moment to call him back.

Another example is he has a tendency to fall asleep in his recliner at night. Usually I will wake him up so he can come to bed. Last night I let him stay in the recliner because I thought he is a big boy. I am not his mother. He was upset that I made him sleep in chair all night and now his back was sore. I told him he doesn't need to wake him up. He is a grown man. But he still played the pity card but I didn't buy into it at all.

I refuse to let him see me cry or upset. If he asks me what is wrong, I smile and say "not a thing" and then start humming. I save the tears for when no one is around.

sweet!

i wish i had been able to do half the things you're managing to do already in my second month of the sitch .

as for the recliner thing - sheesh - talk about projecting onto you. i like your response. and yes, definitely stop taking care of him - but stay respectful and cheerful as you are - that will definitely get through

take care and stay strong

zig

Venting!!!

So H calls me at work and is sooooo nice I know he is up to something. He asks when I am leaving for my trip to IN and asks if I need anything and if I will be set? I thank him but let him know I am prepared for my trip and don't need anything from him. I then tell him (for the fifth time) that I am leaving after work after I board the dog and pick up the kids. Oh...he says. I thought you were leaving in the morning? I made plans to go up north and help someone with a tile project because I thought you were leaving in the morning.

So long story short he will not see his daughter for 4 days and his son for 10 days so he can go "up north" and lay tile. Nice. And this is the dedicated dad who says he can split the kids 50/50. Right. He can't even see them for a weekend. Treat me as he will but I don't like what he is doing to the kids. I can't even be angry with the OW because more than likely he has fed her a line of bull a mile long.

Anyway since our discussion earlier he has called me four times asking me to call him back. I will not. I have no control over his choices but I have control over mine. I will not ease his guilt.

At the hotel with the kids. Ordered room service and getting ready to relax in the pool. I miss the days when we used to be a complete family. I know I can do this by myself. But I can't help but miss my husband. That is I miss my real husband. Not this alien pod that has invaded his body.

Excited that I found a new counselor!!! He asked me some questions over the phone to access my situation and I got more out of that 20 minute phone call than in the four hour long sessions with my old counselor. plus I have my first DB coaching session tonight so I am excited about that too!!

Great coaching session with Leni tonight! I feel like I could take on the world!! It was so worth the money. I am just sorry I didn't do it sooner! : )

tha's great to hear wishing - i'm waiting for a monetary miracle so i can get me one of those too. not happening right now, money wise though

i know your frustrations about stuff like that with the kids - i get seriously worked up too. what's interesting though, is after i read some of the older posts describing the mental state a WAS is actually in, i began to understand better, that they really are not thinking or seeing what they are doing or the effects of what they are doing.

it doesn't make it any better, but the couple of times when i have very nicely pointed something out to my h - in terms of his actions hurting or affecting s - i have been really surprised at his response - he has jumped to correct it and thanked me profusely. he didn't do that in the beginning (but the "wiser" i become now (wink) i realize that i was probably not able to say it in a way that didn't make him feel defensive back then)

then he has slipped up again after a bit, and then i get worked up all over. but every time i remind myself that he is really not able to think straight, it helps me to calm down .

hope you and the kids are having a grand old time -enjoy the break away from the mess for a while , as my friend advised me last week

zig

WH,

I read your whole thread and you have my sympathies, I know how you feel and it's so frustrating. I kept thinking that H has found an OW but doesn't feel good about cheating so wants to rush through divorce so he can be "in the clear". That's what I attributed his attitude to, he wants to be let off the hook easily so he doesn't have to live with guilt. What do you think?

If that's true, I'd say the silver lining is that he'll eventually get a big dose of reality. Affair relationships are pretty much doomed to be short term and run their course, they're not based in reality. Let him go, it wouldn't surprise me at all if he comes back.

You also seem to be victim of some pursuer distancer dynamics. The coming home late thing coupled with your resentment of that behavior is script from the book "The Passion Trap". Check it out. The other book about that dynamic is "The Solo Partner". The latter says that you are the pursuer and H is the distancer. When you stop pursuing, H will freak out and wage a full on campaign to get you to pursue again. When you do, he will immediately start to distance again. It's a dance. The pursuit and distance chapter is online if you Google for "The Solo Partner Book Review"

Accuray

That is exactly what Leni was telling me. But how do you stop that dance? Does the book tell you how to break the cycle? Leni told me to change how I react. Do the unexpected and then he will have to change his response as well.

I have noticed if I do not answer the phone when h calls he will chase me. I need to make him miss me more.

And yes Accuray I think that is exactly it. He wants this divorce so he can't be the cheater anymore. His guilt is weighing him down. But I have no choice but to let him go. He has already told me that in a year he may regret his decision.

Leni made me feel good because she told me she sensed a strong positive energy coming from me and with patience, perseverance and prayer I could save my marriage. I might not be able to stop the divorce but she said sometimes you need to divorce the old marriage to start fresh again. I envision a phoenix emerging from the ashes of the dead marriage. She also said positive energy and positive thoughts were essential. Why didn't I call sooner? I wish I had her on speed dial!!! Lol!

If you think of the cycle as a continuous row of dominoes all nicely lined up, one "fall" causing a next reaction....

what's the only way to stop that cycle of continuous cause and effect? Take away 1 domino. The rest stay standing.

The only way to break the cycle is to stop doing what you're doing, and not start it again. It's not what H is doing. You can't control him. You need to find some trigger, recognize it, and not do it.

Does that mean H won't try something different to start a whole new cycle to get what he wants? (Like shaking the table to make all the dominoes fall) Of course not. In fact, that's probably the expected outcome, but then you recognize that and change your reaction.

Getting a journal and writing things down helps a lot!!

Write what H did, write your steps/reaction and then write H's reaction. Then it's easier to back track and chart what works and what didn't. It's amazing what seeing the "cycle" in writing does for clarity.

Yes yes!! Leni said to do this too! I am sooooo glad I found this community. I was starting to think I was the crazy one. It's nice to have ths resource to pull me back into reality.