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Thanks nhmom. I keep reminding myself these are for me so that I can be a better person and have that show from within. I want to be the best mom I can be. I am always so jealous of people that seem to have that special glow from within. I long to have that glow.

Lately he has also made more attempts to not work so much and to get home at a reasonable time and spend time with the kids. I am glad to see that. The kids love having their dad around. It was getting to the point where he was getting home late every evening. He said at one point he didn't like coming home because he never knew what he was going to get from me once he got home. That really hit me. So in these 180s I have tried to make home more calm, more serene. No nagging, no barrage of questions and no anger, no frustration. I do like myself more this way and so do the kids. It still is not entirely inborn in me yet because I am still fighting my inner self and questioning my every move. But I am trying.

I heard the exact same things from my H about not wanting to come home, because he didn't know what he'd get. He started to work late and I never knew what time he'd be home. He's starting to get home a bit earlier now, usually in time to have dinner. He used to cook more, or we'd cook together...these days are gone

You're so right about wanting the best mom you can be. And the glow you're talking about, you'll get there. One day, there will be a time when you will feel happy and at peace. Just keep working on yourself and do things that make you happy and a better person overall

Another 180 I am doing is attempting to look my best whenever and wherever possible, even if H is no where around. I admit I let my appearance get too "mom". Stopped wearing makeup, stopped fixing my hair, started wearing clothes that were too comfortable. Now that has changed. I got myself a new hairdo, I have lost a lot of weight so all my pre-kid clothes fit again. Started wearing makeup again and jewelry. I do feel better about myself. I have noticed H checking me out a few times, but then turns away to pretend that he didn't notice.

The water heater in our house is leaking and will be out of warranty in 90 days so he asked me if I could take care of it. Normally that would be something I would rather him deal with and that would be out of my element, but I said I would take care of it and I have. Although I think it is going to be a pain in the arse after my conversation with the Manufacturer.

Journaling:

His family is pulling H away and encouraging him to tear away from me. They tell him he has changed because of me. They tell him we are materialistic because we built the house of our dreams together. They say horrible, evil, ugly things because they are all jealous. Because we were in love. Because H became successful!! Because we were happy. Now they are all trying to peck away at it like vultures!!! How can you overcome the dysfunction?? H is getting sucked right into it and I was always the one trying to pull him out. I guess I am just going to have to get him get sucked back in and let him realize what is happening. I hope he does before it is too late.

H needs someone to help him see past the quagmire. But I think right now he is rebelling towards me like a teenager rebels against his mother. I guess like a teenager I have to let him make his mistakes and hope he doesn't hurt himself in the process.

This is so hard. The hardest thing I have ever done.

Journaling:

It's so hard when H comes home and only talks to the kids. I really don't have expectations but it's hard when you are totally ignored. I am still making dinners and doing laundry as if nothing has changed but I know the truth and it's so hard to just pretend

So I am not sure where to go from here. After having a few decent days H comes home last night and is totally in teenager mode. Playing an online game on his phone from the moment he arrived home until the moment he went to bed. I have NEVER witnessed this behavior from him in the 14 years I have known him. The kids were trying to get his attention and S was practically begging him to spend time with him but H would not put down the phone. He even brought it to the dinner table while we were eating. I fought the inclination to be his mother and to put the phone away. That was a complete 180 for me. Dinner time is an important family bonding time to me. And H used to feel the same way. Or so I thought.

Last night I noticed H had an overnight bag packed so I figured he is running away this weekend just like he has done every weekend since December. S tells me this morning while waiting for the school bus that dad won't be home tonight and did I know that? I thanked S for letting me know and said, no, I didn't know that. S then tells me dad will be home tomorrow morning. I am ticked because tomorrow is S's birthday party and I will need help getting everything organized and I even told him that. So he probably will not bother to come back until it's time for the party.

S also told me that dad was not coming to Indiana with us to celebrated Easter and his birthday party. I told S I knew about that and asked him how it made him feel. He said it made him depressed. H can treat me however he wants. I am a big girl, but it really angers me when it starts to affect the kids. I don't know how to protect him from these Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde mood swings.

Some friends are telling me I should confront him and tell him his behavior is inappropriate and inconsiderate. But I think that would push him further away. I would appreciate any insight into my sitch. I could use some advice. : (

How do you know when you are DBing vs becoming a doormat

"How do you know when you are DBing vs becoming a doormat"

That's a matter of perception. It's like doing something for the greater good. You can either see yourself as a victim or someone who is actively trying to make things better.

If you feel like you're a doormat, then you will be treated and feel like one.

True but sometimes I feel like the timid girl in high school that does nice things to get the captain of the football team to ask her out and he feeds her crumbs so she will do his homework for him.

No, DBing is being the really cool girl in high school that doesn't even notice that the captain of the football team has a crush on her, because she's busy developing aspects of her life that have nothing to do with high school, so she'll be successful in life.