Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Advice please!

I'm fairly new to this, though this isn't my first post.

My H sent me a text mssg meant for OW on February 7 and moved out on February 15. That is came as a complete shock to me is an understatement, although we've had our share of problems I just thought we'd get through somehow. At first I did everything I wasn't supposed to do: begged, cried, threatened... you all know. Luckily I found MWD's books and this website, and managed to fairly quickly do some serious 180's.

My H and I have a S4 together, I have no idea where H is staying right now, and I am not asking any questions about that or anything else, I am not making any demands whatsoever, except that he helps out financially for our S. I act upbeat when he comes to see S, I have lost a lot of weight (like most seem to do - by default), I have changed how I dress, I don't say much when he is here (I used to talk his head off), I leave the apt/room when things are still nice between us, I act elusive but happy. What I have found very helpful is to do whatever is counterintuitive: When I feel angry with him (which I frequently do), I respond very, very nicely though with very few words. I don't text or call him unless I absolutely have to (stuff pertaining to S and S's activities), I don't ask about OW, I don't talk about our M. Initially H had a lot of anger towards me, but that seems to have dissipated. Whenever he comes over, the apt is spotless (it used to be rather a mess). I read self-help books (the one I like the most is "The Way of a Pilgrim"). I take my S to family mass on Sundays, I exercise, I play the piano with S, and we go for runs (I run, he bikes), I see friends. I have a job I absolutely love (H hates his and this was always an issue with him - how I loved my job and how miserable he was with his). I should add that he has a lot of issues (molested as a child, depression etc). I too have issues, esp abandonment issues. Well, nobody's perfect, right? I still love him - BUT I DON'T TELL HIM THAT, I promise!

My H is very MLC (I had a phone session with Chuck, one of the DB coaches, who confirmed that). H shows no remorse, no guilt, no feelings for me, but lots of love for S (they are very, very close).

This is all very new to me and I am going through a slew of emotions; from being angry, to being sad, to feeling hopeful. I am careful with whom I speak to (most friends think I should just let him go and move on - they have little or no understanding about MLC). I know this isn't going to be solved overnight, nor in the next weeks or months. H has never been very talkative, and I find that the more passive and silent I am - the more it pushes him to act and talk. Interesting. He doesn't comment on any of my changes, not that I expected he would. Funny thing is, others say to me: "You look great! And you look so happy!" If only they knew...
Any more advice from you pros would be GREATLY appreciated. I really try to do DB as best I can. I am so happy I found this place.

Sounds like you are doing very well considering how shocked and hurt you are right now. You're doing things right and have found a very supportive and pro-marriage community here. Keep taking exceptional care of yourself, work on you and what you can do that would make marriage to you better than before, and hang in there. You're right, this will take time.
Adinva

Thank you Adinva, it means a lot to me to hear from others who've been around longer than I have. I am such a typical Virgo: I need to know what's going to happen, I need to try to solve things in an organized way. I'm letting all of that go now, and though it is terrifying, it's also kind of a relief. I know it is not MY crisis, though I know I have done my fair share of wrongs in our R, but HIS crisis and it is spilling over into my life and the life of our S. I can take it, but I want to shelter our S as much as I possibly can.

evas

Glad you reposted on your own thread.
Although you still seem to be missing a post maybe someday it will appear
Like the rest of this crisis it is not your fault.
You seem to be doing well for the beginning.
This is a very long hard road and you have just begun.
Like any journey just worry about taking the next step, do not focus on the destination and enjoy the sights that are along the way.
Right now I agree that you need to be the BEST MOM that you can be.
Yes their crisis becomes ours and how you work your way through that is the difference between them and us.

There is a lot to learn and do so keep working towards moving forward and asking questions along the way.

evas,

Sounds like you are handling everything perfect. Great job! Keep up the good work. A resolution (him coming back) is out of your hands and your future together uncertain, which is something you have to let go of. Sounds like you are on the right path!

CD

Well, H came over this morning as planned. We are in the process of sending S to kindergarten and filling out all those papers. The coach (Chuck, who was great) said for me to back off and not be his "mom" (ie giving advice and telling him what to do, which sort of is what our R has been like), so I don't. And so H follows me around the apt like a puppy asking this and that and asking how various friends are doing etc. I did OK I think, I was happy, not just acting happy. It was too cold for H and S to go to the park, and too cold for me to be outside long (I took a walk, ran some errands etc to give him and the two of them space and time to be together).
S: "Why don't you move back here Dadda?"
H: "I won't move back because your mom and I don't understand each other, but I'll come see you as often as I can."
Understand each other? We have so many things in common, laugh at the same things, like the same things, the same interests, have the same views on childrearing, on education, on life, on religion, on politics... Whatever. I didn't say anything (was in the other room). So S came to me.
S: "He says you don't understand each other."
Me: "That's right, sweetheart."
A bunch of BS is what it is.
H refuses to change his address on the forms (I didn't ask him to either). He doesn't take his belongings with him. And when S asked about his weights, H said:
"They are yours now."
25 and 30 lbs weights for a 4-year old??
Again: Whatever.
I took S to his piano lesson and later today he has his first recital. He has done so well practicing. H was proud, as he should be. And tomorrow he'll come again.

Bumped up for 25.....

Hi there - hang in there. My H sometimes says the most nonsensical things too. It's good that you just let it go though otherwise, you are looking at an argument. It's like they need someone to validate their negativity or something. You are doing well!

CDavis - I know I can't do anything else but what I am already doing. So far so good.

Thanks Cadet! (Yes, I know how to search for your posts)!

And thank you YankeeCandle. Today I was feeling good, and sort of just smiled at the nonsensicalness of H's thinking. I def do NOT want to argue with him. I try as best I can to create positive situations when H is here, while at the same time give him the space he needs.

OK good, find my first post on 2/13/2012 and follow the advice that I have given.

You are doing great evas, keep reading and studying and you will be fine.

This is really hard stuff and it is very counter intuitive.
As my freind Mach says when you can drink coffee with a fork while sitting on the ceiling then you will start to understand it.

I hope this helps.