I have always wanted to get re-involved with the theatre or music again. I used to sing before I met my husband. Being married with children I left that part of me behind.
I used to take classes at the Rec center but with H's crazy work schedule and being out of town made it very difficult to keep up with the classes since I have no family in the area to watch the kids and I always felt like I was racing the clock.
As far as our sex life it was always good. In the past year not as often as either one of us would like but it seemed as if one of us was just too tired or overworked or over stressed out.
And I was always open to helping him with projects around the house if I was able to help but sometimes was frustrated if he asked for help if I was in the middle of one of my own projects.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I have always wanted to get re-involved with the theatre or music again. I used to sing before I met my husband. Being married with children I left that part of me behind.
I LOVE theater and find it extremely absorbing. (I did stand up comedy too. Very absorbing and made the whole marital crisis funny...at times....)
Maybe you can audition for something (Ideally yes. Talk about seeing you in a "different light"...) And if not - see if there are any acting classes around. As for singing (I wish) there have to be a lot of venues for that...Definitely do it.
I used to take classes at the Rec center but with H's crazy work schedule and being out of town made it very difficult to keep up with the classes since I have no family in the area to watch the kids and I always felt like I was racing the clock. you need to get comfy with leaving the kids w/someone else ASAP. It's just reality.
As far as our sex life it was always good. In the past year not as often as either one of us would like but it seemed as if one of us was just too tired or overworked or over stressed out. I just think ML is underrated by a lot of women and for a lot of men it's how they feel most connected. Plus you commented that he's showing a remarkably different level of interest in it...
And I was always open to helping him with projects around the house if I was able to help but sometimes was frustrated if he asked for help if I was in the middle of one of my own projects.
I'm merely going by your words in your post. YOU said it was a 180 for you to help him when he asked.
Have you read "The Five Love Languages"? I suggest it for all couples...you may discover his love bank is empty.
Worth reading.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
consistent changes + sufficient time = change he can believe in.
The more you focus on WHY your h is doing what he's doing or thinking,
the less you'll work on those changes that he needs to see in you.
My biggest regret, even though things worked out for us,
is how much time I wasted on why my h was doing what he was doing, or what he was planning/feeling/thinking or saying...
None of it was in my control.... AND instead of obsessing about my h,
I could have created a happier, more fulfilling life for me and my kids, that much faster...which was probably a trigger for our reconciliation anyhow.
Figure out something you can join or do or a class you can take this week so you can start GAL and being happier, more like you were when he fell in love with you... be a woman only a fool would leave.
i'm so glad i found this tonight 25 - i really needed to read this. i have been following your posts and should probably print them into a booklet and read them every 5 mins when i obsess.
it would be great if you could give us "obsessors" some more advice on how to stop going down that path - though what you've written for w,h really puts it in perspective. it is wasted time isn't it
thank you for all you do here - it is awe inspiring
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Yes my H's love language is words of affirmation. But is it possible to fill a love tank and still DB at the same time??
You may not "fill" it but you can surely make deposits in it...why wouldn't it be possible to DB while affirming him?
Oh, b/c you think backing off & not challenging his choices, somehow means being cold or aggressive with him?
It does not.
My DB coach advised me to "applaud loudly for the 1% positives h does" and at times that is very hard.
Especially when you compare what the negatives he's doing are...so
DO NOT compare. Lose the scorecard...lose the "grievance list."
If HE brings up HIS grievance list of things you did 4 years ago or more, or never EVER did
and begins extensive marital revisions...-- then choose one of these 2 replies to him...
IF what he says is wildly inaccurate, a lie, or you don't even recall it
(don't say he's lying! I almost did that but my kids heard him & said it DID happen... I just erased it I guess...)
Say "Wow, I really don't recall it that way, but I'm sorry you were hurt/upset."
BUT If you DO recall something regretful about an event he brings up, and part or all of it is on you,
say "I"m sorry about that.
IF I had it to do over again, there are lots of things I would do differently."
Both answers validate his emotions/recall, and neither escalates,
AND both replies also show insight on your end and the desire to do better/change.
As for affirming him--yes compliment him SINCERELY...
not over the top...sometimes just a genuine "thank you" w/eye contact and a pleasant expression is noticed/welcomed. But don't wait for it to be visible to you.
So applaud loudly for that 1% and yes be grateful at least to his face.
It won't be like this forever, and your acting skills WILL surely be used (many of us deserve Oscars, b/c God knows we DO ACT) and you may get nominated for the Mother Teresa Award...
but for now, if you think he's feeling guilty then --CLAP CLAP away...
guilt does not get them home to stay. It leads to resentment. Don't even go there. You want him to feel relaxed, loved & welcome at home, not resented or hated or made to feel like more of a failure than he must already. I mean he's not a sociopath, right? Tension must disappear...even if it requires medical intervention.
**btw if you are not eating right or sleeping right or thinking straight, there are things you can say that hurt your cause. Get help if you need it and at this point, most people DO need it.** No shame there.
(In fact it could demonstrate to your h what seeking help looks like b/c I don't think he knows. The more change he sees in your attitude the more he'll be encouraged by the concept of getting help AND intrigued by your changes.)
If he feels real remorse it'll come to him naturally. Don't even try to manipulate him there...it'll backfire. Trust me on that.
A Russian author once wrote that "when men feel guilt, they attack". Seemed melodramatic at the time, but now I feel differently.
Remember, no matter how "right" you feel, OR ARE, no matter how justified-
do not do what won't help. Period.
Another 180 is to not use a critical tone or critical words. Is it going overboard to compliment? Especially with LRT?
If he makes a gesture of kindness, even LRT would not say to ignore it.
Harsh tones and criticism don't really belong in a happy marriage. They do more damage than most people realize.
You need to be able to compliment without ANY expectation that he'll return the compliment or even allow you to see him noticing it.
GIVE it, don't "trade" it.
If you give him something with strings attached, like your need for some reciprocity, or gratitude from him...
then it's not really being given...make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
consistent changes + sufficient time = change he can believe in.
The more you focus on WHY your h is doing what he's doing or thinking,
the less you'll work on those changes that he needs to see in you.
My biggest regret, even though things worked out for us,
is how much time I wasted on why my h was doing what he was doing, or what he was planning/feeling/thinking or saying...
None of it was in my control.... AND instead of obsessing about my h,
I could have created a happier, more fulfilling life for me and my kids, that much faster...which was probably a trigger for our reconciliation anyhow.
Figure out something you can join or do or a class you can take this week so you can start GAL and being happier, more like you were when he fell in love with you... be a woman only a fool would leave.
i'm so glad i found this tonight 25 - i really needed to read this. i have been following your posts and should probably print them into a booklet and read them every 5 mins when i obsess.
it would be great if you could give us "obsessors" some more advice on how to stop going down that path - though what you've written for w,h really puts it in perspective. it is wasted time isn't it
thank you for all you do here - it is awe inspiring
zig
Zig you are very welcome.
I posted somewhere today on how to stop the obsessing but will try again tomorrow. THere are also some "stop thought" (?) exercises or posts somewhere on this site you can search out too.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks, 25. Your advice really puts things in a new perspective for me. I feel better knowing that I do have control over my actions and I can indeed become a better person, not just for the sake of saving my marriage, but for also for myself and my children.
My husband told me I was a wonderful mother, good housekeeper, a good person and a beautiful woman. But he didn't say I was a good wife. I think that is the point I need to work on. I didn't keep his love bank filled.
It is just so scary even though that time is on my side, it somewhat feels like it isn't because a divorce is granted in 120 days and just seems so soon. And my husband is so stubborn.
But then I know I should make the right changes and do the right things because they are the right things to do and not just to save the marriage. I can't help but feel that the clock is ticking. That is another 180 for me. To not feel like I am constantly racing the clock.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
a third of divorces filed in this state expire on their own never getting completed. Surely many of them reconcile.
And I have 2 family members who divorced and years later, remarried. Yes, it happens.
The changes are for YOUR LIFE/HAPPINESS...and if your m is saved in the meantime, YAY!!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
