Quote: Did you and your H spend time together when he still had OW?
Yes.
I remember with great pain, the look on my H's face when he'd come home at night, his eyes cast down and the air around him simply dripping with emotional conflict.
It was a nightmare to be sure.
He knew that I knew and yet did not chastise him. In fact, I was warm and friendly. This, I believe, made him feel REALLY bad about what he was doing. In essence, I was killing him with kindness.
But please don't misunderstand me, I had some major meltdowns from time to time and wasn't ALWAYS sweet and loving, especially in the beginning when I was trying to find a foothold in the dark.
Time passed (lots of it) and I got better at carrying out many of the DB techniques, and he in turn, began to inch his way back into my life. It was one step forward and two steps back for the most part.
I think that when our spouses are in alien mode, their world is spinning out of control too. If we can remain centered and stable, (or at least give the appearance) they are more likely to gravitate toward us.
No, Tis not. I'm having one of those meltdowns you refer to.
It's always hard at first when you start to detach.
It feels so foreign to us, and very frightening. It feels like we will push our S further away from us when we're trying SO very hard to hold on to them.
However, the opposite is true. I'm just learning this and it's taken me a LONG time to learn this lesson.
It's hard to give up control if you think there is OP is involved, but we have NO control over that whatsoever. They will have to figure out on their own who they want.
Who looks the most attractive to them? Well, at first the OP does but as we change and grow and live our own lives they start to notice and maybe they start to feel something of what they first felt for us.
It take TIME. I've been at this for over 2 yrs. but I've made a TON of mistakes. My H will not commit but he does not want to let go either so I have to let go and see if he follows.
I'm still struggling every day to detach. SOme days are better than others, but in the long run I know I'll be ok. That's what makes it all worth it. Rachael
Quote: Who looks the most attractive to them? Well, at first the OP does but as we change and grow and live our own lives they start to notice and maybe they start to feel something of what they first felt for us.
Last Sunday evening during dinner, my H and I were discussing the different ways in which we initiate ML and I made mention of my need for cerebral stimulation.
He looked me straight in the eyes and implored, “Haven’t I been sweet and loving to you lately?”
“Don’t you think that things are a lot better between us now than they were a few years ago?”
He cautiously added, “I don’t want to bring up things from last year because...well...that was all so sad, but..."
After fidgeting for a few seconds, he finished with “So, I guess we shouldn’t talk about it”.
He looked rather vulnerable as he held my gaze like a little boy who had just found his lost puppy.
I went over and kissed him, told him that things are definitely better for us now and that it was alright to talk about “it”. I also plucked my courage and quietly mentioned that it was an anniversary of sorts and that talking about it was helpful to me.
He did not say anymore on the subject but I knew that in his own way, he’d just given me another spoonful of contrition and reassurance.
Just a little honey over my bowl of rocks. Aaahhh....
Aaahhh....