We are big fans of IFC. It's nice to get away from all that hyped up Hollywood stuff.
"Sitting in Limbo" - that really caught my eye, because right up until recently, I was a full-fledged resident of LimboLand. As a matter-of-fact, I was just starting to campaign for Mayor there. However, it's not a nice place to visit AND I wouldn't want to live there.
While I was going over your thread, a question came to mind. Are you familiar with the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman? If not, I highly recommend it. Once you start reading it, you will see why it's a favorite around here.
I just know that writing has helped me to 'hold it together' at those times.
So instead of taking my 'feelings' to my H...I take them to my keyboard. I've spent countless hours writing fast and furiously as a sort of 'time-out', disciplinary technique over my unruly kids - rage, fear and anxiety. I wish they'd grow up and leave home. Brats!
I encourage you to do the same.
Sometimes in our darkest moments, all we have are - words.
It's a pleasant feeling to hear that one's self expression touches others in a meaningful way. Thanks - everyone.
Quote: I have not looked back over my journals or bb entries from last year since I wrote them (except for that brief foray on the anniv of bomb #1 which only served to make me feel WORSE!).
I know what you mean. I rarely look back on my previous threads, and avoid reading past entries in my 175 page journal (and growing) that is carefully tucked away on my hard drive. I tried skimming through some pages a while back, but like you, it only served to make me ill.
I did not start journaling until March 3rd of 2003 and now feel the need to chronical what is drifting up to the surface - on it's own. For me, getting it out into the open - in black and white - is a kind of 'letting go ceremony'.
You know, like bacteria that has been laid on a dry surface where it will die from a lack of moisture.
(So now you know what I do in my spare time.)
Okay, weird analogy.
Come to think of it....that's just plain SILLY of me.
Quote: You and I have an annaversary in common, dearheart. I knew for sure on January 22, and confronted him the next morning.
Bombed on the same day. Well...I know that I will keep you in my thoughts more than usual come January 22.
The memories of each day that led up to the beast pulling back it's hood - last year - are playing out like creaky steps leading me to a violently haunted room - this year.
Quote: Damn. These memories hurt. We went to see the Return of the King the other night. Later, I began to think about the part where Frodo was stabbed with the Ringwraith's ice-cold sword on Weathertop. It never completely healed, and sometimes the wound would grow cold and make his heart feel like it was pumping cold blood. That is how those memories feel to me.
Quote: So instead of taking my 'feelings' to my H...I take them to my keyboard. I've spent countless hours writing fast and furiously as a sort of 'time-out', disciplinary technique over my unruly kids - rage, fear and anxiety. I wish they'd grow up and leave home. Brats!
Yes! I've done the same... after all this time I have books... and have logged plenty of deleted, never-sent emails. Writing it all down has helped me to hold it together too, to remember the line between him and I, to take responsibility for and understand my own feelings and to be able to communicate productively with my H when the opportunities have come up. I've shared a great deal with him, actually. Of course, for a long time I took the feelings to the keyboard AND to the H too, but I finally learned to stop doing that except on the rare occasions when it makes sense. Some of us are slow learners in that arena.
Aw well, Jeannine. They are memories--and part of our memoirs--but are not our reality now.
P.S. I forgot to tell you...since we went to see the Return of the King, Wolfie has been having dreams about being a Ranger gathering up Hobbits and making them run into the woods to hide because the Dark Riders are coming.
P.S.S. He cried at the part where Aragorn and Arawyn were reunited. Later he tried to say it was because the Hobbits were told they didn't have to bow before anyone, but I noticed the snuffling and eye-wiping WAY before that, LOLOL!
What do you do with a closet romantic?
Yes, I have those set of triplets myself Jeannine, and they are quite annoying at best.
I have not been journaling too much because I think back in "91" when I had my breakdown I wrote so much I could have sent it to a publishing company to make into a book (maybe I will one day!)
Now I just come here to voice my pain and anger and it seems to get the job done as much as needed right now.
H is being very nice today and I am reciprocating but I'm also being somewhat aloof. This is definately a 180 for me as all I used to do was trip all over myself trying to make myself the object of his affection.
Of course this does not work for any of you that are trying your hardest and getting nowhere with your S. Not only does it not work, but it causes you to lose the neccesary focus on yourself that you need for personal growth.
It's taken me two yrs. of trial and error (mostly error) to come to this conclusion.
I know my emotions will not always be this stable. I'll have days when I will want to backslide, justifying it to myself that what I'm doing will somehow make us closer. (I won't give in Mattie-I promise!)
That my friends, is pure undulterated BULL.
The only thing that MAY make my husband truly want me again is coming towards him from a standpoint of strength.
This is day 3 of operation NO CONTACT.
Not only did I figure out I had to do this for myself, but I have been advised by the cre'me da la cre'me on this BB that precede me in their actions.
The advise I recieve from them is invaluble.
Every one of them have been where I am, and everyone of them had to do what I'm doing.
So....for all of you out there lurking. posting or not, take heed.
You MUST find a place of detachment. I have fought this theory from the get-go, thinking my sitchuation was somehow different and I would only alienate my H.
Wrong, wrong, dead wrong.
None of this is easy, but detaching yourself from rejection and indifference is far preferable to the pain I was perpetuating by the relentless pursuit of my H.
If you think you can't do it then you have not come to the end of your rope.
Hopefully you will not take as long as me to decide that this is a neccesary step to self survival and a chance for the survival of your M.
I'm already seeing that my H is respecting me more by not giving me those looks where they roll thier eyes and tilt their head back and make you feel like your the stupidest person on the face of the earth.
I'm taking the power away from him to hurt me over and over again when he proclaims his love for me just to repeatedly pull the rug out from under my feet by his lack of commitment and heartfelt caring.
I MUCH prefer ME being inthe driver's seat. By detaching I am.
You take away the opportunity for them to give you he old one-two by refusing to let your feelings be decided on how they treat you.
Everyone of us on here is worthy of love and respect.
Unfortunately our spouses are not always forthcoming with the above and it's up to us to do whatever is neccesary to take care of ourselves FIRST.
By doing that, we are in essence loving and respecting ourselves which is tenfold greater than anything we could ever recieve from another. Rachael
You have changed. The winds of change are echoed in the words you write. You sound strong, thoughtful, and introospective. Gone is the sound of a needy, anxiety- ridden woman.
As our old friend Lily once said, you are "Queen Rachael."
times.
