I thought about this post and the responses a lot last night. I think it's a wonderful gesture to do things for others, either because you want to help someone out, or to be nice or show love or because they've asked. What's not so wonderful is when the other person expects you to put their needs over yours without reason.
Example 1: Honey, I have x, y, and z to do tonight before I get home and then I really need to work on the taxes but the cable is out. Could you call the cable company and see what's up?
Example 2: Purg's sitch above.
Detaching includes not doing things for others that they can do for themselves. That's what creates the crazy codependent relationships. We are given more responsibility and we take on more responsibility and before you know it we're the controlling b!tch they want to leave.
I see the situation continuing into "O the cable's out, I'd better call before H gets home or he'll be angry" "Gee the furnace is broken I better take care of that or he'll be angry" "the DW is broken, better get it taken care of ..." You get the picture. We teach people how to treat us.
I don't want that in a new relationship, the feeling that I have to take on everything to keep everyone happy. I want a respectful relationship where responsibilities are shared.
It's difficult to think of these things when in the midst of trying to save a R but if I don't know what I want, how will I ever be able to get it.
my .02 but then WTFDIK
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I think it goes back to personal motives. Is the action to be loving and who we want to be or is it to be compliant expecting a response or reaction, i.e. putting expectations on someone else?
Purg - you've got to answer that question for yourself. Each of us do.
I go back to King David a lot. He once said (paraphrasing) God doesn't want our sacrifices, he wants our hearts. Its not so much the action but the motive behind the action that counts.
The action may help or it may not, but ultimately, if it doesn't move your own heart to a better place, does it really accomplish anything?
((((P)))))
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces, I agree with you on the motives, I always have to think about my motives. I realize that now. For a long time (like forever) my motives were suspect, at best, I wanted something, I was expecting something.
I think in a respectful, loving R there is a lot of give and take, shifting of responsibilities and both partners feel cared for not taken advantage of, not resentful.
At least I hope that's what happens. Maybe we'll all find out some day.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I think in a respectful, loving R there is a lot of give and take, shifting of responsibilities and both partners feel cared for not taken advantage of, not resentful.
At least I hope that's what happens. Maybe we'll all find out some day.
Amen to that!
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
I'm really in a PO'd mood tonight. I was thinking about inventing a new version of GTA, where you ride around Century City hunting WAS's.
^^^I would so buy this game. It is a game, right? Just saying, being a Fed I can get away with a lot.
I have not seen the wife in a few weeks. She still works on the other side of the park and I have several close friends that see her all the time. They all tell me she looks like sh!t. The bags under the eyes and pale complexion. I fell sorry for her, but at the same time it was her choice and I am here if she wants a dialogue. Me, on the other hand, I look friggin awesome! For a monkey..
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
Calling all of you military spouses, read Kolja's post on his thread. You may have already read it elsewhere but just a nice hat's off to you who also serve.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I thought about this post and the responses a lot last night. I think it's a wonderful gesture to do things for others, either because you want to help someone out, or to be nice or show love or because they've asked. What's not so wonderful is when the other person expects you to put their needs over yours without reason.
Example 1: Honey, I have x, y, and z to do tonight before I get home and then I really need to work on the taxes but the cable is out. Could you call the cable company and see what's up?
Example 2: Purg's sitch above.
Detaching includes not doing things for others that they can do for themselves. That's what creates the crazy codependent relationships. We are given more responsibility and we take on more responsibility and before you know it we're the controlling b!tch they want to leave.
I see the situation continuing into "O the cable's out, I'd better call before H gets home or he'll be angry" "Gee the furnace is broken I better take care of that or he'll be angry" "the DW is broken, better get it taken care of ..." You get the picture. We teach people how to treat us.
I don't want that in a new relationship, the feeling that I have to take on everything to keep everyone happy. I want a respectful relationship where responsibilities are shared.
It's difficult to think of these things when in the midst of trying to save a R but if I don't know what I want, how will I ever be able to get it.
