Purg - I would continue doing what has been working so far. If you do something dramatically different or overly pursuing, it might backfire and set you back.
Remind yourself - If it's working, why change it? And as you posted before - patience is key...
((( )))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
H came back from the gym, and we had planned on talking about any schedule changes needed since OW isn't watching the kids for him anymore... we worked through that and he brought up something that is in our separation papers. I didn't feel completely caught off guard, so I went along with it.
Long story short, 30 minutes of realizing that we feel differently about some of our finances- led to a stand still. We were both frustrated, but we never raised voices and never got too defensive. (I guess Zen Purg is in control more often than not... or maybe this is just the new me!)
We were interrupted by S6 crying because our dog had bit him. H got really angry with the dog while I dealt with our son- no broken skin, just a puncture mark. H makes the bold statement that we will get rid of the dog. {Although he didn't show it, this really hurt him because this is *his* dog. There have been some on going behavior problems with the dog since H has moved out and isn't playing with him as often- I try, but I have so many other things to do in my day I don't always have the time. I don't hate the dog, and I never suggested getting rid of him.} H starts rummaging in the kitchen and I ask him not to make any rash decisions while he's so upset. He ignores me and goes over to the table to start eating. I tried to sit with him and calm him down, but he remained silent and glared at his laptop. I normally would have left him alone, but that's what I always use to do, so I sat in silence with him. I really wanted to reach out and give him a hug, but I'm sure that would have sent him over the edge. He finished and walked away, I followed him to the stairs and said that I know he just went through the ringer of emotions (upset with me about papers, mad/sad about the dog) and I asked if was ok. He just looked at me, blankly, and said: "I won't have a dog that bites kids." I rubbed his arm and agreed, and said: "I can understand how sad that makes you. I don't believe you that you're 'ok', but I'm going to leave you alone." He just grinned and walked away.
He's taking a shower now and is leaving to go where ever it is that he goes nowadays.
I'm still upset/hurt by our paper conversation, partly because it means he's still researching and going forward with the separation. He even decided on a L while I was away. When we get into these discussions, I feel like I walk a fine line between sticking up for myself, and not making him too mad. I hope that he respects the fact that I'm not just going to roll over and take whatever he feels is fair, but I also don't want him to think that I"m being stubborn and bull headed (like I used to be in our M.) I knew this was probably going to happen, but every time that is confirmed, it still hurts.
He just left without saying much, but let me know that he was taking his boards with him, in case I didn't see them in the garage (so I know he's going to his buddy's house to build his cabinet.)
If things were still good with us, using my 'new improved purg' ways. I would have let him cry about his dog if he wanted to, I would have hugged and kissed him to help make him feel better; who knows, it could have ended up going somewhere.... But being this 'new purg' and having H not want anything to do with me, I'm left knowing that he's hurting, I can't comfort him, and he thinks that I'm the same old purg.... the one who never tried to make him feel better and he always felt like he couldn't share feelings with me.
How do I bridge *that* assumption gap??
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Oh man purg! Same here!! Last week his family went thru a crisis. I worked my 180 as far as it could go! I asked him how he was doing. He said he was very sad but his priority is that the kids n I r happy n healthy." WOW!! He pulled a 180 on me!!! His parents were always more of a priority so this was totally not him!
Well when he got home I asked him, what would you like me to do for you, how can I help? He said " call my mom tomorrow to check up on her and make sure you still take the kids to the snow" I said I would and here I am. Oh and I asked him, can I give you a hug? He said yes. For some reason, I'm feeling like a doormat???
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
So I am now a firm believer that God (higher power, the universe- whatever you’re comfortable with) is in control of my situation. Look at the following events and decided if it’s coincidence or a ‘redirection’ by something greater than myself.....
.....Ok, going to try not to get too preachy, but I’m going to use the terms/words that my ‘father’ used when we were talking. I hope that some pieces and parts of this can apply to y’all and give you some guidance or at least a new perspective. Here’s his explanation and guidance for situations that seem hopeless: (it may jump around a bit, but this is how our conversation went)
When Lucifer (L) the angel disagreed with God and was cast out of Heaven, L made it his goal to disrupt the ‘free will of man’. God had blessed everyone on earth with free will so they could decide which path they would follow, although God has already created His intended path for all of us. L believed that people should be told what to do. God had also blessed all humans with an angel as their guide, L countered by also assigning a demon to each person. While these angels and demons are battling out in the spiritual world- We, the people who we interact with daily, are the side effect of their war.
God created, and therefore believes, in the bond of marriage. He will always ‘fight’ to save marriages. [I had previously talked about the ‘snake eyes’ and emptiness I see in H] When you are talking with someone who appears to have this ‘emptiness’, it’s because they are listening (in their heart/head) to the evil side, they have let that side ‘take control’. Our job, is to keep the faith for both of us, through prayer and daily actions- once we become stronger in our faith, it will strengthen our ‘angels’ and overpower their ‘demons’.
In regards to prayer, we should become familiar with verses of the bible (psalms is a good place to start) and actually use God’s words back at him as our prayer. If we do this, He will know that we are true and devoted to our faith- because we will have taken the time to understand his words. We shouldn’t think of praying as asking Him to intervene, but more as we are giving Him permission to enact His will upon us (because remember, He’s already created the path for all of us.) When we pray, God responds immediately. However, there is a delay in when we see this response because of that battle of our angels and demons in the spiritual world. Any subsequent prayers about the same topic, need to be directed at giving our angels strength to overpower the demons so we can see our response from God as quickly as possible [which is where our continued faith becomes important to give that strength to the angels.] If we continue to live a faithful life and be patient, God’s blessings to our prayers will become evident.**Most of the scriptures about prayer and God’s responses are in the book of Daniel**
He showed me an interesting video from Tony Evans that was based on the concept of spiritual warfare and the armor of God found in Ephesians 6:10-20. It goes into details about the concepts discussed above.
============================================= The next morning he prays over me, and honestly- I felt my heart race, started crying and felt really calm.
What happens that afternoon? H tells me about the possible investigation from OW’s H (read previous post for all the juicy details! You will have to go back to part 6, on page 8 towards the bottom) I’m beginning to NOT believe in coincidences!!
Only time will tell what will come from any of this. But I am really trying to get comfortable with the waiting, since patience has never been one of my stronger virtues.
Take what you will from any of this. I hope that I didn’t offend anyone.
Purg - nice story. First it shouldn't matter if anyone is offended. This is your thread and as long as you are not violating board rules, you are free to post what you want.
Second, I started a thread over in the prayer section called The Power of Prayer and think you should consider posting what you have above over there. So far it has just been me and Antlers conversing back and forth, but it has been getting a fair amount of traffic. So, please consider posting this for the benefit of people who are looking for a little hope from a spiritual perspective.
This rainy weather is putting a damper on the litte PMA I had....
I got a job. Not enough money, but I'm approaching it as mearly a stepping stone to the next one and I can use this money to pay for my classes. I start next week... Really not sure how I feel about it, but at least my kids will still be with me (I'll be the director of a preschool.)
I calle H and got a less than enthusiastic "good job." I let him know we were having sloppy joes (S6's request) and that he was welcome to join us. H did come home, but ate separately from me and the boys. He gave the baby a bath-and expressed concerned about his bloated belly (I've been trying to tell H that the baby hasn't been feeling good- including waking up at 2am screaming and pulling up his legs.... We never went back to sleep.) H said that he meet had a problem in the 2 weeks I was gone (is he implying that *I* did something?!) I went to the pharmacy and got the Gripe water... As soon as I got back, H gathered his things and left.
He had beer in his hands, so I jokingly said: "planning a fun night,huh?" He reminded me that tomorrow is a federal holiday, so he didn't need to wake early. He also said he will be drinking with [friend] and will just crash at his place. I told him that I don't care where he goes, I just wantto know that he's safe. He grinned and left.
H has definitely avoided me like the plague this weekend. I realize that I had let my hopes get up since he's cut off OW contact, it's my own fault that I'm upset. I can't help but think that he will feel more attracted to her simply because he 'can't have her' right now. He didn't cut of contact because he *wanted* to, but because he was threatened... Now she'll become the 'fantasy life' that he'll mourn for.
ICK! I just realized that I will see her this weekend at her D16's (my goddaughter) talent show [look for her next year on American Idol!] I haven't seen D16 since before X-Mas and haven't seen OW since early January. Is it VA of me to want to look incredibly hot to make her feel guilty/jealous?? It has made me feel better that friends and family (and friends of friends who don't know me or H) have looked at her FB page and the statements usually go something like this: "really?! I don't see it. He's not getting an upgrade."
Uuuggggghhhhhh! It's just one of *those* nights
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
It is not vain of you you should look as hot as possible. Always wear sexy underwear. It makes you feel better on the inside.
Your H is gonna need a little while to get over his OW but I think its worth it that he cant be with her. I think it makes her too complicated rather than more desirable. Plus you are gonna look sexier and sexier. Can you do anything to get him to notice you, change your hair a little?? Just always look hot around him, there is no way he could have been attracted to you 5 months ago but not today.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Thanks bklyn!! Glad you caught my 'vain' typo- gotta love auto correct on the iphone Btw- where is your new thread? You were at a crossroads of sorts, just want to make sure you're doing ok
I never thought about OW looking more 'complicated' as opposed to 'desirable'... Maybe you're on to something there?
Ok, so without too much 'fun $' available after my gas-guzzleing trip, what can I do to shake things up a bit? I've got some new clothes (in my smaller size) thanks to some thrift store shopping in FL. I want to lighten my hair, but salon highlights are too pricy right now, and I'm afraid of a bottle job. I usually flat iron it b/c H mentioned that he liked it (as opposed to the wavy/frizzy mess it has become after 2 pregnancies- used to be stick straight blonde before my boys- now it's dark red and wavy). I curled it for my boudoir photos- a la Marilyn Monroe, maybe just doing something like that could inspire a second look..... Mmmmm, what to do, what to do?
I know we aren't supposed to do things with the hopes of getting them back, bi I would love to look/say/ or do something that makes him do a double take.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
When I talk to the DB coaches they always encourage me to look my best. And to wear a look that H would like. My coach thinks I should start wearing perfume. DB believes you should do what works!!
I just did my hair at home in the bathroom and it turned out awesome. I stuck with a color close to my natural color but it just brightened everything up. Something to think about. Try curling it for a few days and see if he notices. I also bought a pair of fancy haircutting scissors for $20 and now trim my own hair religiously so I dont need to go get it done as frequently. (I have short hair so its constant maintance)
I am gonna start a new thread
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
