Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I may be the extreme case

This is an incredibly difficult post to write, so I'm going to get the hard part over with. I have anger issues, that I should have dealt with long ago but didn't. I get screaming, over the top angry. And sometimes, I get violent.

I've been on Cymbalta for 3 years and thought I had it under control. Evidently I wasn't as ok as I thought. I had only seen a GP, never any mental health person. Back in Sept I had another violent episode (I think I forgot to take the Cymbalta for a few days, but don't want to make excuses). This was evidently the last straw and and in the begining of Jan my wife said that was it.

It was a wakeup call in a lot of ways. She doesn't love me any more. I "beat the love out of her". I always thought of these as individual episodes we were working on, but now it appears this was just battered wife behavior. She was so scared of me she told me whatever she thought would keep her safe, and I was totally clueless, too wrapped up in whatever my own issues were and are. And guilt. Every episode just lead to weeks and months of guilt.

I will bet even her throwing me out wouldn't have woken me up, but one thing she said did. When she looks at me now, all she can see is me screaming at her. That hit home, because even though we have a decent relationship now, about half the time I'm talking to my father, I see his face as if it's screaming at me.

That night I didn't sleep, and finally decided I needed help. At this point only the fact that she was scared of me had penetrated, not that my marriage was actually over. I had an evaluation at a local mental health hospital. They have me seeing a therapist weekly, and a psychiatrist every 2-3 weeks. So far we're mainly working on anger management with the Therapist, and the psych is working on balancing medication.

Soon after the eval though it became plain that although she wanted me to get help, to be a father to our kids, she wanted me out of the house. She was scared me of. She was having panic attacks when I was in the house. So, I've been living my parents now for about a month.

I'm 42, W is 40. We've been married for 14 years, together for 20. We have two kids, S 11 and D 9, and a dog.

I'm a wreck. Realizing what I've been, what I've done, the physical damage I've done to the person I love, has been eating me away. I'm not sleeping, I'm waking up crying and shaking.

Meanwhile she can barely talk to me. When I've come to pick up the kids she's either been angry or ignoring me, though last night when I droped them off we had an almost normal conversation. Still, I have to drive a block away afterwards, pull over and do my crying.

I've read DB so far. Obviously, going to therapy is the big change for me right now.

I guess the first question I have is, am I in the right place ? I realize I'm the extreme case here. The book even mentions something like all but "extreme cases of violence". I hope I'm not the extreme case that is beyond hope.

At this point, my goal would be getting my wife to agree to some sort of joint counceling. Even that is a long shot right now.

Small update. So far I've found out that she has spoken to a lawyer for an initial consult but as far as I know hasn't filed anything yet.

Welcome I posted on beyond to u but will post Sandis 37 rules. Also read the DR book so you get an understanding. Major I behaved very similar. So now it is time to put that anger in check. Yes the book says that about violence. You need to GAL and do 180's. Post often and short so others can help you


1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes

Thanks Rick. I've read that list about N times waiting for my post to be approved, but a reminder is always good. My copy of DR came today, and I'm about 1/4 though a Kindle copy of "Hold On To Your N.U.T.S", I saw recommended on another thread.

Right now, my personal item '0' for the list above is, "Don't throw up while talking to you spouse." It's taking a big effort.

What did the psychiatrist diagnose U with and what Medication? What do you dou for a living ?

I am going to ask you a couple of questions and hope you are Not offended by them. Don't provide us with identifying information as it is not allowed.

You said you became violent. Did you get physical with W? How did you treat the kids? Has W ever filed chargEs against you? Were you drinking or using drugs?

I'm not offended.

I did get phyiscal with W. I've yelled at the kids but not hit them. No charges have been filed. I don't do drugs and wasn't drinking when any of these happened.

My GP had previously proscribed Cymbalta for depression. The psychiatrist agreed and is working to adjust the dose.

I just realized how cold that came across, but it's too late to edit the post. I'm trying to be honest with myself, but this stuff is just very hard to admit.

Admitting these things IS hard, yet it is entirely necessary if you want to heal and move forward from them...

How you come across is something that you can work on.

Why do you think that you were like that ?

Co-dependent No More is also an excellent read...

Rick: As to what I do, I own a small company in the internet/computer field.



I'm repeating the pattern of my father. As I said, I still see his face yelling when I talk to him. He's gotten better, but never really admitted he has a problem. I'm told he didnt' actually hit me, but I do remember being pinched, and can vividly recall the phrase "I'll give ya a shot in the head" with a raised hand.

And that's what I would do. When I would lose control, I would give her a smack across the back of the head. (pause to cry now).

Every time I would tell myself I wouldn't get to that point, and when it happened, I wouldn't kinow how I got there, or why I did it. I've been to scared and ashamed to tell anyone to get the help I needed.

Co-dependent No More looks good. Another book I've read that has been enlightening was Breaking the Cycle of Abuse.

Was your father physically abusive towards your mom or any other female in the family? Is there a history of bipolar disorder on mom or dads side?