Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My story, need help before I mess everything up.

Re-read the post I wrote to you on the 15th, and Bond's, and remind yourself of how you got here.

You are backsliding into victimhood and expectations.


If I were you, I'd stop the obessessing about OM. I really would.

It takes the focus off how YOU got here (you know, like things YOU did or said that hurt her...which is what you ought to be working on)

and you need to work on YOU a whole lot more than you need to wait around for an apology.

Be patient. Forget dramatic gestures and STOP giving ultimatums.


it's so controlling and that IS clearly a problem you have. I see it in your posts. Even now.

You need to truly learn some basics here, like owning your stuff, staying in your sandbox (& out of hers) and digging a lot deeper in YOU


b/c you are all you control. You cannot control her. Get that.

and work on your issues-- so you are the better choice.

Be a man only a fool would leave.

consistent changes + sufficient time = change she can believe in.


if she does not believe marriage to you can be better/different,

she won't return.

So how are YOU showing her that YOU have changed?

What she said ^^^^^^^ ...... She is one of my wise heroes here, there are so many....

Good call! I kind of knew all that my W was going through by reading between the lines and listening to her but it gets clouded at times with the 'believe nothing they say and only believe half of what they do'.

Reading Sandi2's posts was very eye opening and although the sitch was different it really helps me understand what my W is going through and really filled in the details and really gave a fuller picture.

Sandi2 if you read this, THANKYOU for being brave enough to post what you did at the start of your journey, it really has helped.

I thought that too or she is just so used to seeing me do it and expecting me do it that she thinks she actually did see it! Who knows? Next time I walk in I'll do something completely opposite so there isn't that misunderstanding/sub concious reaction.



I'm too scared to listen to my intuition because my intuition says everything will be alright! But if I truly believe in that I will lose SOME (not all!) of my motivation for changes and will stop trying so hard in detaching, empathising and other things. I'm really trying to get to the place where I will be truly happy wether we D or not as I know this will do 2 things, it will help give my M the very best chance of survival and if that doesn't work it gives me a great platform to move on.

I'm really concentrating on cutting out every single possible form of persuing that I can which is hard when we're in constant contact because of the kids, it's just hard finding the right balance of not persuing and not being rude/uncommunicative,

T^2 [/quote]

I understand this very well...but know that when you stop fearing...it all flows easier, your changes come easier, stick better...your motivation morphs into just "being" your changes (with a lot of self-checking in...

My intuition regarding my M could be wrong, but when I go with it (that it will be okay0, the panic and stress subsides. I can then be a better T^2, and that is what will bring W and R back (this has finally been beaten into my mind/ego).

Thanks to your (and others) wonderful advice I'm really getting away from the victimhood, I don't see that at the moment. I've really lowered my expectations and will trying to do until my expectations from her are absolutely nothing. What I'm guilty of is trying to improve things, it may be that I'm being impatient and just need to let nature take it's course, because if I look back at the last 6 weeks I can see improvements now that I didn't at the time. I guess from the very beginning my expectations of her and the sitch were way to high. I originally thought we may be able to get this sorted within a few weeks of me moving out!!!!!! Where as now I can see it's going to take maybe 6 months or more to get to us being relaxed with each other and maybe cuddling etc.



I REALLY am trying to get away from this, it's just the flashbacks that bring it to the surface. I'm again making progress with this, what you and everybody else are saying is sinking in and I am making progress, I don't know if I'm being slow or if the speed I'm progressing is normal. But everyday I can recognise little changes in ME.


I feel far less need for an apology now than the last time I posted about it. I was just hoping she would see the whole EA for what it was, and thanks again to your advice I'm getting used to the fact that I may never get one or any admittance to the EA.



Patience - I wish I could bottle it and sell it in a shop somewhere, I would be the richest man in the world!
There was only that ultimatum the one time which was mid December, as far as I remember it's the only time I've done that since we've been together. I know it's not DBing but I would do it again if I had chance to go through that morning again BUT I would of gone about it in a whole different way.



I CAN'T (not won't) see it, most of the time, you and Mr Bond have made it a lot clearer to me than it was.

Question, is leading a conversation and asking questions controlling? I'm getting so confused as to what is controlling and what isn't. I know some stuff is obvious like if I said to her you MUST cook tea! (I never have) it's the more subtle controlling that I can't see sometimes.



I think I am owning my stuff, I'm still discovering more but once I can see it I work on it. As said earlier I'm lowering my expectations of her to nothing, if I expect nothing of her then I can't get dissapointed ot frustrated.

Thankyou 25, I don't know if I am frustrating you or not with my progress but you have been exceedingly helpful to me, I really am doing the best I can and I can see I've made huge progress in the last couple of months. This whole experience has been very eye opening and I have learnt so much about myself and learnt new skills and have new awareness that I never knew existed in other people and was available to me. It's like half my brain has suddenly become alive and has started working!


So how are YOU showing her that YOU have changed?




[/quote]

I can see how that works but I am not comfortable believing it yet, I am however trying to act AS IF it's going to be alright.

So my intuition says it's going to be alright but I don't want to believe it yet so I'm acting AS IF it's going to be alright - yeah that makes sense!!!!!

It didn't for me either, at first. I still have my days where I have to do as you are doing, but they are getting further apart and less intense. This is not easy, I sometimes think if W had died it would be less painful because I wouldn't see her everyday, want her everyday, hang out with my temporarily-former-best-friend"...

Since I am a recovering "fixer", I get your confusion about "controlling" behaviors...I don't know if you saw this link:

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14696-overcoming-the-need-to-fix/



If you are trying to get movement, a change of mind, a result, then...yes.

(Doesn't "leading a conversation" imply controlling it?)

As I said, I am recovering from this need as well...btw, it does feel great when you get familiar with NOT controlling...lighter, less burdensome....but I have to fight the urge to control, and recognize when I am doing/thinking it, daily.

^^^Me too, TSquared2. It's difficult.

Wow that sums me up totally! I'd read it before but forgot about it and would never of seen that as controlling behaviour but after reading it again I can completely see it!





Yeah I guess it is but when W wants to talk about the R BUT then won't talk about the R in other words she struggles to open up, then I have to ask the questions to help draw her out and thus lead the conversation?!?!?!?!?!