Having a hard time dealing with this that was thrown my way from the W today....she keeps saying that she needs to have more alone time....let me explain. She rented an apartment mentioned in my first post. For the most part I've taken on all of the parenting responsibilities. About 98%. But we have mostly stuck with our normal schedule. So I go to work at about 9a she goes at 8a. I get done with work about 5p, she gets done about 4p. I drop our S off at school in the morning and pick him up, then drop him at sitter. W picks up after work. A bit detailed, but to make my point.... Now she is saying that it's too much. She needs more alone time. For the most part she wants to see us(him) one day a week, preferably Sunday in the morning. I've thought alone time has meant away from me, but now she's come clean and said away from both of us. That time with our S isn't the same. Has anyone encountered this? Any advice? Our S is already upset that mom is "working" more as that is how we have described it, but going for 6 days with no contact, he's gonna be hurt. I can do the 37 steps and I've been great with it with the exception of a "miss you" here and there, but overall solid. I don't want to be angry, but I'm angry that it seems like being a Mom bothers her, like it's too much. Then I get upset with myself because I keep telling myself this isn't the person you've known and I can't be upset and blame her. Jeez, this is tough stuff.
Yes, when the 'alien' behavior takes over- the LBS can't predict anything. If she's telling you that she needs more alone time- even from her S (which is horrid)- for what ever reason, she's feeling trapped. I'm guessing here, but it seem logical that it's too painful for her to be around S b/c it's a visual reminder of the destruction her actions are causing... and instead of being the mature adult and make the sacrifice for her kid, she's being selfish and taking care of herself instead. The amount of selfish action that the WAS is capable of- still amazes me.
My H went through that the first month after the bomb- he couldn't get away fast enough or far enough. I expressed concern for my kids missing their dad, but left it alone after that and let him 'have his space'. He thought that he wanted a lot of alone time... but after a few weeks, he started to come around more. So much so that he came over unannounced-which I honestly didn't mind b/c I loved having him around- but I had to create a boundary that he *must* call ahead since he had made it clear that this wasn't his home anymore and he had to act like a guest... I quickly noticed a change. He comes over almost every day, even if it's just for an hour, to see the boys.
My point is, you need to let her go have the 'time alone' that she thinks she wants. You do have a right to express your concern for the kids (kid talk is never against DBing) Perhaps, you explain to her that she is still needed to pick up S from school because of your working hours, but that you're only expectation of her.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
She has expressed the "trapped" feeling before so that makes sense purgatory. We are supposed to speak about this evening when I get home from work to iron out a game plan for the next 7 days. I made a promise in the beginning to my W that I would put no barriers in place that would prevent her from being a mom. Now I feel like she would rather me say to her to just come back when and if she is ready on her own schedule. But unfortunately, there is a certain amount of planning necessary since our S is so young. I'm uncertain whether to tell her I can handle it (which I could if I knew that's what she wanted and then could set up an alternate scheudle) and she can participate when she wants or if I should set some expectations as you said with pickup from school, etc.
The problem with taking her out of the equation competly- and telling her she's welcome to participate when she chooses- is this leaves a lot of anxiety/confusion for you AND your S. kids need consistency and they function better when they can anticipate what's coming next. If she just floats in and out of your lives, both you and S are left to constantly wonder when the next time is coming. Although an adult can process through this, kid can't.
I saw so many behavior problems start to come out in my S6 when my H move out. He was always wondering when daddy was coming to see him, and he reacted poorly in school and at home b/c he didn't have any kind of consistency in his life (although I'm sure he didn't realize this.) That was wen I set the boundary for my H, that he had to plan ahead to come by the house- it gave me the ability to prepare S and to even say "no" of it wasn't a good time for me. We have now worked into a semi-regular schedule of visits. We have a set schedule that H is in charge of the boys on wednesday and Thursday every week plus every other weekend. He is more than welcome to come by on his 'days off', but he has to let me know in advance. Turns out that he takes full advantage of every chance he has with them- I think he's learning that he can't choose to leave the M but still get everything he wants in the house and kids... No cake eating here!
I too didn't want to place any restrictions on my H interacting with his kids (especially since he's leaving for a year to go to AFG.) I tried to let things just be casual and have him come around web he chose, but quickly saw that the inconsistency was too much to handle for me and the kids.
By setting a boundary, you're not taking away time with the kids- and you're allowing her to 'feel' like she's in control by choosing when to come around... But you are also protecting your S (and yourself) from the anxiety of the unknown visits. I think that if you put a stake in the ground about 1 or two things (her picking him up from school, or another scheduled visit during the week) and then give her the freedom to come around wen she's ready the rest of the time- under the 'rule' that he has to communicate her intentions in advance- it saves a lot of heartache. It also give you a little control in this out of control sitch. But most importantly- you are putting S's well being ahead of her and your needs- which is what we should always do as parents.
(I apologize of there are typos, I'm on my phone)
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Thank you for the advice purgatory. I've been concerned that we may start to see some behavior issues, but fortunately we haven't yet with our S (he's 5 by the way). I'm going to ask that she continues to pick him up after the sitters and stay with him till I get home from work. Then if the W would like to have another day, Sunday, if that's the choice we will set that to. I also think your approach of calling before just dropping by as that way there are some bumper rails in place. All in all it's not a huge commitment from her as it will be 3 days of pickup and about an hour each day waiting for me to get home, then time Sunday morning that she requested. The selfishness is shocking to me though. I hope I can find some peace with this aspect of it. This afternoon I'm going to starting reading DR. Hopefully it's addressed in there to an extent.
