Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Is this cake eating 4

Thank you for responding. I was wondering if you had seen my post.

Since NLW are just 3 letters stringed together, it seems that you can change then whenever you want. So how about something empowering like:

No Longer Wounded

Pick yourself up. Dust yourself off. Make life what you want it to be!

Thanks, 2tp.

Regardless of what I call myself, I'm still not really 'No longer'.

I feel wounded/wretched, especially in the last few days.

I've been struggling to deal with a new bout of coldness and lack of cooperation from my H around kid stuff.

Just now he brought S13 back from school, but didn't even speak to me when he brought him to the door. Just turned away as I opened the door, walked away and got back into his car - he hadn't even turned the engine off - and drove.

This is a new form of behaviour for him. And there seems to be nothing that has precipitated it. So rude, so hurtful. So out-of-the-blue.

I was on the verge of texting him to ask what gives - why he won't even speak to me now... What have I done????

But that was the old me. This time I didn't. I'm trying to remember to let it roll off me; to let him work out his sh..t himself. And to get on with things. But it makes me so sad to be treated like this.

My mother said yesterday that it sounds like he is trying to 'break' me.

Seems a pretty apt description. I do feel broken by all this, but I'll never show him.

Thank goodness I can jump on here and look for sympathy!

And I'm still holding on to a vague hope that if he has to behave like this to me for no apparent reason - it might mean that he is actually in extreme pain and is suffering as much as I am.

Not that I'm saying that I hope he is suffering - just that I hope this might indicate that there is still a huge emotional connection there for him if he can't even speak to me when meets me at the door.

Compounding my sadness is the fact that there's a big 'pre-prom' party for girls, their dates and their parents scheduled for this Sat night - to which H and I are invited. It's a HUGE event for D16, and I am sick with worry that H will refuse to go.

What a time to decide that he can't even speak to me any more...

Big hugs, sweet friend.

I found in my sitch that when my H had absolutely no sane reason to be doing what he was doing (walking away from his wife and life into the arms of a nutso ow), he decided to be angry with me. I guess it helped him detach easier, I don't know. I do know that for me, detachment was all that saved me during those times. It doesn't come easy, I know. Just remind yourself on a continuous basis that your H isn't the man right now who you fell in love with, married, brought children into the world with and built your life with. Therefore, you just cannot take to heart the mean things he does and says. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Big kudos to you for not texting him when he acted ugly dropping your son off. Remember in the past I've told you that you often have to treat the MLC'er/WAS as a toddler or a tween who is throwing a fit...just walk away and eventually they tire of throwing the fit for just an audience of one (them).

I know it will seem terrible if your H chooses not to go to the party, but I promise you it will not be the end of the world. There are so many events I had to attend without my H, and I always made sure I looked smokin' hot. It wasn't for him (heck, he wouldn't even be there!), but it was for ME...and trust me, word always got to him how great I looked.

I cannot tell you this enough...plan your future for YOU and YOUR KIDS, not him. If he figures into the equation later (because of YOUR choice), fine and good. If not, fine and good.

Take care...you can do this! nlc

You have done nothing. My H was giving me major attitude the other day and I was like what the heck did I do? Talked to a DB coach 2 days a ago nd she said I wasnt being nice enough to him. That really bugged me. I mean my H just sent me a preliminary draft of a separation agreement the fact that I dont just kick him in the #$%2 is nice enough of me.

So today I killed him with kindness. Actually went to see a movie he recommended and he seemed to like that I enjoyed it. He gave less attitude to me the more I acted like a Southern Belle and a happy homemaker. I commented on his shoulders getting wider "Your shoulder have gotten so wide, be careful that you dont get too big" He loved that.

For me going dark or dim or even being aloft makes my H annoyed at me, I have to treat him like he is the best man on the planet and then he relaxes. It kind of insane.

Hi ncl,

Thank you so much for sticking with me - it means so much.

Your responses are wonderful for reminding me of what I need to keep doing - in this case : ignore, ignore, ignore.

And I've been prompted by what you said to go back and re-read all of our interactions on my previous threads, - I need to keep reminding myself of how to do this!

Thanks for letting me know how you handled things in your sitch. It really helps a great deal to know that others have survived through exactly the same low points.

As always, your support and encouragement spurs me on.
I can do this.

Best,
NLW

BM,

Thanks for looking in: We seem to be just about exactly in the same place with our H's.

I think my H also retreats and gets cold when I don't show sufficient interest in him.

I get torn between the idea of going dim/dark/letting him go, and the need to be nice to him to make him see what he's missing.

In his case, too, just being 'nice' isn't enough. He needs to be slathered with positives. But then, too, he is fundamentally suspicious of my motives, I think.

So he wants/needs positive affirmations, but doubts that I'm sincere/he's worthy... and so the pursuit/distancing dance continues.

But if I go dark, he mirrors and gets nastier.

I find it very interesting that your DB coach has said "be nicer to him".

I'll give this a try and see if it works, while remembering to remain as detached as I can.

Even though, you're right, it is insane.

Thank you again,
NLW

NLW & BM - I think the same is going on with my H. I didn't think about it that way until reading this thread. As long as I am treating him like Prince Charming, it's all gravy.

I will be signing up for at least one DB coach session this week. I REALLY hope he/she does not say be nicer. If I get any sweeter/nicer, I'm going to turn into Hershey's kiss. LOL

Have you looked at the web site No More Mr. Nice Guy. I am obsessed with it right now, describes my H to a tee.

The number one rule for DB is: Do what works. My H does not at all respond to dark/dim only to continuous reassurances that he is da man. Exactly slathered in positives. Even though he is suspicious he likes it.

Wow, Bklyn, there is a lot of info there, esp the boards. Thanks.

Okay, an update on the prom...

H did attend the 'before' party, and even drove our family car with me and D16 in it to pick up her date.

He stood with me most of the evening (only an hour and a half) and conversed civilly. Really, no-one could have told there was anything wrong between us.

I think he went, in the end, because I didn't ask him. I got D16 to tell him about it and do all the requesting.

He ended up having to call me on the day of the prom to ask what time he was supposed to be there.

A couple of glitches along the way - when he arrived at our house ready to pick us up, he was wearing a suit.

It was 41degrees Centigrade, and he asked me if he should wear his jacket.

I said 'No' as I thought most parents would be wearing casuals pretty much anyway.

He then turned on me and demanded to know why I'd told him to wear a suit.

I just said quietly that I hadn't spoken to him about the event much at all, and in any case, if I had, I wouldn't have told him to wear a suit, but he was adamant that I'd done so.

Truth be told, I was always the one who would have advised him what to wear to an occasion like this in our previous life.

The other issue that caused a little friction was his driving.

He has taken to driving extremely recklessly - I think because in the latter stages of our relationship, I did comment a bit on his driving and he said he hated it.

Well, today, when he was back behind the wheel of our powerful family car, he was throwing it around the road like a 16-year-old on a dodgem car ride.

I 'eeked' at one stage, but tried to cover it up by saying I'd just caught my foot on a package that I had stored in the footwell.

So, a good day I suppose, yet I feel so empty and sad about the event.

There's really not much joy to be had in anything at this stage. Either he doesn't go to things, and the kids and I are sad about it. Or he does go, and it all seems weird and unnatural.

I suppose that's exactly how he feels about things, too.