Oneeleven, maybe it's something in the water these guys are drinking! Hope you're surviving the weather we've been dealt today. Snowing hard where I live.
Thanks for commending my strength. You're not the first to say so. I learned a lot about myself after my brother died in 2005...much of my strength comes from those experiences. I asked myself a lot of hard questions about the choices I'd made in my relationships and the emptiness I was feeling. My whole approach changed, making me a stronger, happier, healthier person, but it also delivered me my husband. How's that for an ironic twist!
Do I want him back? Great question that I've been asking myself and pondering a lot. Not as the person he is, that's for sure. Not as the person who admittedly hid from me and who was capable of the lies, betrayal and abandonment he dealt to all of us. We were all fooled, that's for sure. However, I do think that his core self is very good, very kind and very loving. Whatever pain and issues he has run very, very deep, and he is admittedly scared to address them. Paralyzed with fear, you might say. I now wonder if something happened to him as a child. Who knows?
If he came to me tomorrow and said he wanted to reconcile I would explore the issue only if he agreed to go to marriage and individual counselling, and it would be a long, hard road. If after that I saw profound changes in how he communicates and his willingness to be vulnerable and not hide from me, then yes, I would have him back. Sad reality is that his deep fear will probably prevent him from doing any of that hard work. I love him dearly, but I also respect and love myself and deserve a lot better.
How about you? Will you set any parameters for your marriage, for yourself?
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
I don't want to thread jack here. And I really hope the OP comes back (her posts are moderated so maybe she has).
My situation is very different.
One day when you're bored, have a look at my thread.
I do want him back with all my heart, but not at the expense of my dignity which is how it stands now. And selfishness aside, the boy NEEDS help.
We do have tons of snow here but I would rather have this than minus 30 any day! It's great snowshoeing weather and makes me and my doggie happy campers!
Take care and please respond to me in my thread (and I will catch up on yours at my lunch) Love to talk with a 'local'
This delay in my posts showing up is killing me....
i get asked the question all the time of do i want him back....and my answer is the exact same as gwn....right now i don't know the answer to that and i definitely don't want the person he is now. But i don't believe that is the person he is.
I think there are underlying issues with him that are beyond this. I have suspected depression for a long time. In talking to his mom and finding out more about his childhood deeper issues makes a lot of sense. It certainly doesn't excuse the choices he has made or his actions but it would help explain...and at the end of the day fix, or give him and maybe us the tools to deal with it going forward.
I'm pretty sure my H is depressed too. He never, ever, ever talked about his past. "It's in the past. It doesn't matter" he'd always say. Closed up tight as a drum. I've learned (from his daughter) since we split what really happened when he and his first wife split. I've also learned from her about other choices he's made in past relationships. H is a major conflict avoider, to the point I know now that he functioned as if he had no autonomy...not by anything I did...and then he'd resent. All very complicated. At any rate he's got to work all this out for himself. I love him dearly but there's nothing I could have done to change this situation, and nothing I can do to fix him...he has to make that choice for himself. Very hard to just let it go but it's all we have at times.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
You will be off moderation soon, keep posting and the delay will be gone. Your H is having an emotional or physical affair -- his behavior, what he is saying and what he is doing are all script -- virtually everyone who is betraying their spouse says and does the exact same things.
Why do I point this out? Because its important that you understand it's not about you -- you didn't have to do anything wrong for this to happen. H got involved with flirting and that made him feel good. He knows it's wrong, but that feeling can be as addictive as drugs or alcohol, right now he's an addict. That feeling also has chemically altered his brain (seriously) and diminished his capacity for rational decision making. We are wired to let our guard down and not think clearly to facilitate bonding.
While he's under this spell, pursuing him, begging pleading or shaming will push him farther away and reinforce his decision that leaving is the right thing to do. Ironically, if you want him back, you need to give him space and do your own thing. You need to develop some mystery. He needs to wonder what you're up to, and he will if you give him time and don't volunteer it.
Read DB, it will be very helpful. I also suggest "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson for your sitch. It's dated and very religious, but I'd that's not your thing (and it's not mine) there is still some very good advice to be found.
Finally, I strongly recommend working with a DB coach on this site. I worked with Cheryl and she was great. Money very well spent.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Thanks Accuray - I agree with everything you are saying...my gut tells me there is some sort of affair or infidelity in this situation and my gut hasn't been wrong in this situation yet. I don't even really care to know the details of whats gone on, I think its the capability of living such a lie is what is so devastating.
I feel at times that it started as a flirtatious thing and if it didn't get physical it was close and i think he got in over his head and in an effort to avoid drama (by lying to me about what city he was in in order to avoid conflict) he actually created a sh*t storm of it and doesn't know what to do. i feel he is so far in he doesn't know how to fix anything - but i also think he isn't thinking rationally at the moment so doesn't see it yet.
GWN - H is a huge conflict avoider as well. Always says he just wants to live a simple life and doesn't want drama....well look where he is now. We have kept our past separate for the most part but I have been learning a lot from his mother of all people. She agrees that he is lying about something and he's even closed up with her about the whole situation.....telling her about it at the beginning when the bomb dropped but then closing right up. She tells me of other examples of him running away when faced with issues and consequence. I just feel you can't run away forever....you have to come to a point in your grown up life that you have to face real and serious consequences.
Interestingly enough she also tells me his father pulled a similar thing to her in their 30's - she referenced a MLC and said his father said the same words....ILYBNILWY, dont know if i want to be with you, just not happy. She tells me it took them 9 years to be OK again. I wonder what effect that had on H. She said the kids never knew there were problems but doing the math he was 10 or 11 when it started and it went on til he was in his late teens....he knew what was up.
I am trying my hardest to back off and give him his space to sort himself out. I know this is a situation I have little to no control over (which i struggle with because i like to be in control). I have even told his mother, who i probably would talk to every second day, that i need to take a step back and a break from all this mess and start piecing my old life back together and looking at what my new life will look like.
DB came in the mail yesterday so I have lots of reading to do this weekend!
Talk soon thanks for the love and support - it's very comforting getting all of this out in the open with people who understand and live similar situations.
H is a huge conflict avoider as well. Always says he just wants to live a simple life and doesn't want drama....well look where he is now.
This also describes my H and even tho he's not in an A, his conflict avoidance has painted him into an uncomfortable financial corner.
We talk about detaching a lot on these borads and it sometimes gets confused with no contact or going dark. Detaching with love means simply you respect the other person enough to let them live their life, walk their path, have their feelings.
It's not easy, nor is it pain free but it will help you more than anything else.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Had such a great weekend, out and about busy with friends and met with my councillor, who helps me immensely.
BUT....Having a really bad day today. I am missing H terribly. Just when start I think in my head "how can i let someone i love hurt me soo much" and that i need to let go and move on with my life in my heart and my soul i miss him soo much. i miss the him he was with me up until 3 months ago and i really want him back. I've been cry uncontrollably pretty much all day.
my soul tells me this isn't it for us but i really don't know how much heartache i can take. Sometimes i wonder if that is just me in denial of his feelings but then i remember what i have read on countless boards on this site that gets me through this..."don't believe anything he says and only half of what he does". I want to love and to be loved more than anything right now and yes i have amazing support from family and friends but there is a huge hole in my heart right now that yearns for my H.
we haven't spoken since Monday (so almost a week). The last few times we have spoked i have gotten pretty angry with him and confronted him on things with the OW, which he has hidden/lied about.
To be honest in his true avoidance fashion - i think he is afraid to make contact with me right now.
