I guess you can call it impatience. I think it is more of a protective measure....plain unwillingness to be hurt anymore by h. He says he has great concern for how I feel and what I think....where is this? Apparently just empty words.
The only contact he initiates turns into a booty call. We don't go anywhere but to his apartment to bed. On the Sundays we've come to stay I've asked to go to the movies, to dinner...all he does is sleep. I've been understanding and have rented movies to watch in. I'm not sure what my 180 could be here....I've tried going along with what he wants, hanging around while he sleeps to setting up dates for us where I end up following him around the store as he shows me the things he's going to buy or ends up buying.
REally my 180 would be not to accept his invitations to bed or to just hang out. I pretty much just sit at home and watch the phone, praying he will call. How pathetic.
My h is very active, goes to hockey games, goes out with friends, goes to clubs, buys stuff for his apartment, watches movies, etc. I'm just adopting his routine....all for the 'booty calls'.
What I've done so far has illicted nothing more than outings and conversations that are all about HIM. After a year and one month of all about him....when will it be US time? Nothing I've set up with him is an US.
Hey Cindy!! Finally catching up on latest events around here.
Thought of the moment - could some of the problems be that you're pursuing him? Remember the dynamics of that? The more you chase, the more he runs. Just a thought, maybe it'll help you finetune your strategy.
As for your plans for the new year, sounds good!! I would suggest maybe asking if your H wants to do something with you - maybe the sports activity? Something the two of y'all can do outside the house. Just remember, no expectations - it's something you're going to do anyways, you're inviting him just in case he's interested.
I think I am giving up...giving up on doing anything for this r other than being civil. I'm not going to seek out h...it's unproductive to do so. H will need to put forth more effort into finding out what he can do different if he wants this m to work or even to see me. H isn't going to wipe his feet on me anymore.
After all, h can't tell what I can do to make him feel more loved. This thing we are doing only serves to aggravate the both of us. If he can't tell me his needs, if all the things I'm trying upset him, and if he continues to be rude, then really what is the point in interaction? I need a break.
I plan to discuss this with the c when I see him on Wednesday. See what his take is on this. I know I don't have much time...about 45 days. I guess this is what is fueling this 'attitude'...what can be achieved in 45 days? He could choose to call off the d but to what end? He is still the same...with no d in place the only difference would be no child support. He can't stand us there for more than 3 evenings...he won't let us move in to his apartment. So what to I do with no child support? I've got no more time...and he's indicated to me that he won't be changing between now and February 13.
Yes, I'm giving up the chase. H can call me...I'll think about seeing him. It's got to be something more than just going to bed with him though.
I don't want to invite him to the trips I have planned...it takes much wheedling to get him to do anything now. His usual response is I don't know or I'll have to think about it which really is no. I hate getting the i don't know response. It hurts beyond measure to realize that he doesn't want to be with me. 90% of the time any initiation by me results in a no. Why bother to even ask?
I hope all is well with you. We'll have to get together and hang out, play some pool. I could use some tips on my pool game !
What about telling him where you are going and telling him he's welcome to come if he wants, then going? Stop worrying about the 45 days. It's making you crazy. Put it in God's hands.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Been there LL-sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring. Hoping H will call nad want to be with me.
He didn't call, so I started calling him to set things up. He'll go when I ask, but there's no spark in him.
My 180 will be to let him initiate most our outtings (we'll see if he even does one!)
My other 180 is to quit calling him so much-like every day. I want to wait for him to call me. Hell may freeze over first.
Oh yeah, the most important 180 is to start liking me and not letting how he treats me dictate how I feel about myself.
I'm not twitching yet from not calling him, so that's good. Last we talked he was suppose to call me today. I just made plans to go to a movie with my D tonight. Big 180.
Now.....to stop wondering what he'll be doing. Rachael
Honestly, I've been wiped out. Took vacation between Christmas and New Year's. Got laryngitis Sunday, and I've fighting to recover ever since. Had all sorts of shopping planned, got none of it done. Wanted to start reorganizing the house, got little of that done. Basically just been a lazy bum for the last week, but for a reason.
I understand where you are with your H. I got that way several times with my XW, and she usually started chasing again at that time. So, any thoughts on what to do if he does start chasing again?
As for inviting your H, it's more of a courtesy invite than anything. Think of it as giving him an opening. You hope he'll take it and improve your relationship, but you don't believe he will. He learns what you want to do, you find out if he'll do them also. Either way, have fun doing it.
I agree it needs to be more than just going to bed with your H. What have y'all done over the last few weeks? I remember you went out for his Christmas party, anything else? Or do y'all usually just stay home?
We'll definitely have to get together again. I'm thinking about learning pool seriously - so far it's been an occasional thing, but I need something new to do. Plus, there's much in this city I haven't explored yet.
Sorry you've been under the weather...especially during the holiday! Need to get sick during work so you can go home!!! Ha, ha.
Quote: So, any thoughts on what to do if he does start chasing again?
I know I'll not be accepting all his invites....some but not all. Not return his calls right away. Definitely accept those 'dates' outside his apartment!
Quote: Think of it as giving him an opening.
I suppose I can let him know my long term plans. I usually leave voicemails rather than discuss over the phone...he tends to forget. I see what you are saying about leaving him an opening. I can still have fun even if he doesn't go.
Quote: What have y'all done over the last few weeks? I remember you went out for his Christmas party, anything else? Or do y'all usually just stay home?
His last invite to me was his Christmas Party on December 7. That was fun, hung out with his friends, went to the club, out to dinner. I loved it and told him so. Since then we've gone shopping, to dinner once, to lunch with the kids once. Since the holidays we've been together 8 days including nights which the majority of the time we've spent inside his place. Now that school will resume Monday our interactions will be very limited to maybe an occasional Saturday night if he thinks to ask me out.
He told me New Year's Eve he'd call me later...how much later? He's just so inconsiderate...if I was to do something like that to him...he'd say well I guess you don't want to work on the m!
I've been catching up on all of your posts since mid december. Sorry to hear you're putting out all the effort and getting lukewarm returns at best. Thats what happens a lot of the time. You push and push, call and call, expect and expect, pour your heart out, do what your C says, and nothing happens, because what you're doing is constantly pressuring him, even though you think you're not, he thinks you are.
Quote: He seems to be taking for granted that my heart is to save the M.
Thats probably beacause his heart isn't, thats why you're in the position many of us are.
Quote: I feel that tonight my 180 will be to act as if my H is not coming back.
ATTA GIRL, thats exactly what you need to do. Took me 9 months to get that through my skull and once I did, this stuff became a lot easier to deal with. WAs can be tough mentally, they do not fall to the whims of our longings. Telling them you love him, trying to fill his love tanks, etc, in all probability will not work if he doesn't feel anything for you. Doing those things is like taking on a tank with a sling shot. To draw them back, you must be attractive to them. Its hard, but you have to toughen up a little and play the game on their terms. If he doesn't want to be with you, so be it, you're not waiting around any longer. Best way to do that is what RMC suggests, cut down the pursuit, cut down the initiation of contact, when he calls, be happy and perfectly satisfied with however he sees things, NO PRESSURE. You might want to start dating casually, when he catches wind of it, he'll wonder, especially if he senses you are enjoying the pursuit of other men that find you attractive and fun to be around. You can occassionally do nice things for him in a non overbearing fashion, but mostly just let him free to do as he wishes, while you create a life outside of him for yourself. If you can do that consistently enough, the probability is you'll give yourself a fighting chance of having him take an interest in you more than what you're accustomed to right now because now, you're doing all the work and he knows you don't want the D. That young lady, is not where you want to be from a strategy standpoint.
Let go, have fun, move forward, let him pursue you for a change. If he still doesn't, well then, why would you want to spend the rest of your life with him anyway?
Seems to be the general concensus that we need to back off Cindy.
To take care of us-go out and have fun, and LET GO of trying to control our R can only have positive results.
If they don't come around, I don't think it's because we stoppped doing what we were doing. I've been at this for over two years and my H is procrastinating.
Time to try another tactic for both of us, ey? Rachael
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