End of a long weekend. Emotional couple of days coming up with son's senior night festivities. Went to dinner last night with a friend. My daughters and my friends are trying to get me to sign up for match.com and I just laugh. Not ready and not interested. I have also been committed to not bringing someone else into my son's life until after he has graduated from high school. I look at him and know he is struggling so much with so many of the "normal" emotions that accompany this transition time. I realize it may sound silly - the fact that he's 18 and really not a child - but it is important to me that he have whatever support he needs over the next couple of months.
Hope everyone has a great week.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
IB You have no idea until later how much our children watch us, and how important it is for us to set an example to them of upright and adult behaviour. As you are doing - an example to all.
It is very disturbing for young adults [and I count your son as that] to watch a parent behaving inappropriately, particularly sexually. If you started dating you son might find it disturbing.
I know we have our own lives to lead, but sometimes we have to pt our own natural inclinatoins on hold, as you know.
And if you aren't ready, you aren't ready, but even if you were, without wishing to be a killjoy, I would say be very careful here for your son's sake. These kids have been through enough. And if you did meet the right person he would wait!! But you know all of that, I am just affirming you.
IB, I agree w/Bea. You will know when you are ready to start dating. It takes a long time to heal from what we've been through.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
A word on dating, and match.com....It's not it's all cracked up to be!
I've been what I like to call " window shopping" on match.com and a few other sites. Though I have made a very good friend through one site, Im not impressed. Maybe if I were 18 years old it would be fun, but after a long term marriage, and two kids starting over seems exhausting.
And yes the kids do watch you. My oldest daughter saw I was online looking at profiles and she got very upset. As it turns out she's holding out that xh will stop what he's doing, get his head straight about him and we'll get back together. We had to have a long talk about that one.
The kids are not happy with what xh has chosen to do, but have been forced to accept it because they miss him and want a relationship with him. I must let that serve as a reminder to me how things were in the past with him. I remember him having such a busy social life and when I asked for some time with him, his excuse was if I wanted time with him I should just follow him around.
Sheesh and here I am feeling sorry for myself because tomorrow is Valentines Day and I have no one. 22 years ago it was Valentines Day that my Xh stole my heart for good. One dozen roses, balloons, a huge stuffed animal and a box of candy delivered to me at school my Senior year. So many other sweet things for Valentines since. I even got something last year.
Im glad for this board. I guess I feel kinda foolish that he went out and got what he wanted while Im still here at home keeping the kids and I intact as best as I can. Im still heart broken, lonely, and feel so disconnected from life at times. But I see we all feel that way. Look at what they left us with?
All - thanks for the perspectives! Glad I'm not the only one struggling... Kim..Your X didn't go get what he "wanted" - if it's MLC then he went and got what he thought he "needed" Reread Hearts Blessings Stages of MLC. I did the other day and it reminded me a lot about what is truly going on!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
BTW, eHarmony isn't much better. I thought my profile was fairly strong and I was sent a bunch of men looking for women to help raise their half dozen kids or someone to go fishing in a rowboat with a chest full of Miller Light.
Window shopping is all I did, but most of the men that I have met or talked to want someone to be their replacement mothers. I raised one adult child and I'm not for raising another one.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
IB when anyone, family or friends, urges you to do online dating before you have come to a decision like that on your own, it's probably because they see you hurting and make the assumption, as so very many people do, that a relationship is going to make you happy "again." If you're laughing and saying no way, then you KNOW that's not the answer. I got a lot of pushing to do that stuff and even my psychiatrist at some point told me it was an "assignment" to sign up for eharmony in order to step outside my comfort zone.
I can't say it was a complete waste of time and money because I guess it showed me one thing, that I am never going to meet someone suitable through online dating. It was, in a word, obnoxious. I felt like most men disregarded what was in words on my profile and just wanted to hook up, or they wanted someone to patch the big holes in their lives and marry them asap, or they were old enough to be my dad, creeping up on me, which made me hugely uncomfortable, and the dates I went on were just awful because the men were in their 40's and had never been in any serious relationship and really couldn't even have a conversation face-to-face without huge levels of anxiety. I felt like it took a lot of my time and energy and it only created negative energy.
I'm convinced that if I meet someone it will be the way 4 out of 5 people meet, which is NOT online dating. People say women "have to kiss a lot of frogs to find their prince." That's a load of crap. I don't have to go on a series of progressively worse dates to find the right person to date, and neither do you.
People mean well, but they don't get it. It takes years to get over what happened in our lives and we are not willing to settle for something bad just to have something.
As far as I'm concerned, I don't care that it's Valentine's Day tomorrow other than the fact that I have myself to love ... face it, probably half the people celebrating V Day in a big way are going to end up over at some point. It's just the way it is. I'm not losing sleep over what they are all doing tomorrow.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
It is very disturbing for young adults [and I count your son as that] to watch a parent behaving inappropriately, particularly sexually. If you started dating you son might find it disturbing.
Seriously? I hope you didn't mean to imply that dating is somehow behaving inappropriately? And who brought sex into the equation?
IB, if you're not ready, don't do it, it's that simple. I would also caution you against using that as an excuse (which, for the record, before everyone jumps all over me, I do NOT think you are doing YET) to never get back out there. We get comfortable and starting to date again is a massive step outside the box.
I've been online dating for a year now ... on and off. And yes, a lot of the men I've spoken with/met are not what I would consider true contendors. But guess what, neither are the majority I've met in grocery stores, exercise classes, bars, at work, through friends, at concerts .... you get the picture right? Yesterday I had a coffee date with a guy I met online. We've been chatting for over a month and finally set a date to meet. We sat and laughed and talked at that coffee shop for almost 6 hours and it felt like a blink. He is one of the most emotionally healthy, funny, entertaining, intelligent people I've ever met. And at the very least, I have a great new friend. No harm, no foul.
I get that your son is struggling, and I agree that waiting a few months for him to finish high school seems reasonable. But make no mistake, if and when you are ready to date, there is nothing wrong with it. Even if your son doesn't like it or handle it well. Talk to him compassionately, but do not hold yourself back from making new friends and potentially meeting someone interesting because you continue to put other's interests ahead of your own
Peace! PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
My youngest D is 17 and has one more year of High School. Like you, I am choosing to wait until she is finished. Could she handle it? Sure. Would it be a struggle? Yes and no. On the one hand she has told me she wants to to find someone etc. On the other hand bringing someone else into my home dynamic wouldn't be the best idea IMO. I probably should add though that my D has gone into crisis more than once and while she's doing well now, I'm good with things the way they are.
I agree that when you are ready, it will still feel awkward and be hard. But hey, all the best things in life are touch at times. Remember childbirth?
Some of us have both the temperment and the habit of putting everybody before ourselves. Not a good thing and one I have worked hard to diminish.
Here's to a fabulous game for your son and and easy night for you.
I believe when it is time for you to start dating the perfect guy will turn up. Life is funny like that.
I had a funny experience a few weeks ago. I met a man who was the right age, good looking, outgoing, funny and who looked at me like I was someone he was glad to see. I reported on my thread about how it scared me off.
I think nice people are out there. Do what feels right to you!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
