Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Down Again - Is he done yet?

Understood Eric and all. Thank you all for smacking me back into reality. NO MORE PIT FOR ME!!!!

H sent me an email telling me that he has drinks with his former shipmates tonight. (I do recall him mentioning something like this last week), but I am remaining calm and trying not to imagine him being with someone else.

I am not sure why he just couldn't call. He knew I was teleworking at home today. I have dinner in the oven and not even sure if is planning to eat out. Anyone for Tilipia?

H came home last night after 10 PM from his night with 2 buddies (or so he says). I was already in bed, but I was not asleep. I am not sure if I should ne upset that he got home so late when he said in his email to me that he would be home by dinner.

When he came to bed, he kissed my shoulder. I thought about questioning him, but I refrained and we both went to sleep. This morning, he wakes up and kisses me on my forehead and is very cuddly. H then apologizes to me for being so late. I did not question and just said: " that is okay, I hope you had a good time".

H goes to shower, I am downstairs to post last night's events on DB. H then comes down to give me a very charming "good Morning". I am very cordial and say the same. Then he goes into the discussion with his buddies last night. I know them both from a long time ago and my H says that one of his buddies still remembers everything about me. We both have a good chuckle about this guy's smoking habits (no offense). H seemed happy. I asked him if he had a good time and he said yes.

Not sure what is going to happen later, but it has been an okay morning. Good Morning DBer's!!

DU

Can you see why you are over-analyzing? Do you see where the root of this is coming from. I have an idea but wanted to see where you are at.

Also, what is over-analyzing doing to YOU? Pssst….hint….if you are focused on HIM then you are NOT focused on ?????



Asking him is quite normal and it is a good thing that you have stopped bringing it up.

Question….what does the word “attraction” mean to YOU? What is it? What does it look like? What makes it? Etc.



Saying and DOING are TWO different things. What I have learned in this journey is that the more we focus on them, the M, the problems, the LESS time and ENERGY we spend focusing on ourselves and what makes us HAPPY. We always say who or what makes us happy, yet we but this burden on someone else. We are happy IF they make us feel happy, We are happy IF they do what WE want to do. Think about this DU. What is it that would REALLY make YOU happy? Don’t tell me HUBBY, that isn’t the answer I am looking for but if it is your answer….do you see anything wrong with it?


“or so he says”….looks like TRUST is an issue and although I understand it (Lord knows I am dealing with it myself)…it is something that YOU must deal with. The more time you spend questioning things from a negative perspective, the more things will look and FEEL suspicious. Once again, if you were really focused on YOU then you may not notice some of these things.


Did you make dinner for him? If so, then you could very well have said to him. Next time I would appreciate it if you called to say you were going to be late. Be YOURSELF DU. Say what you mean and feel. I can already see FEAR in your post. A fear that you could loose him. Stop it.

I will keep stressing how important it is for YOU to live your life. For YOU to take control over your happiness. He should want to follow YOU and be a PART of YOUR happiness – not vice versa. When someone is truly happy, they glow, they radiate, they exude a confidence that cannot be FAKED. Please DU, take some time to find out what will really make you happy and then go do it!

Peace,
Eric

Hi Eric - Thank you.



Yes Eric , I know why I over-analyze: Trust and fear still linger in me . When I do over-analyze, it makes me feel miserable and unsure of everything. Yes, I need to focus on me. I am meeting friends for drinks at 5. H is not aware as i just decided.



Attraction is confidence, security, intelligence, genuiness, inner beauty, loyalty, etc. This is my definition.




I guess I have been more worried about his happiness than my own because i know he is depressed and I want to be supportive. But I am going about it the wrong way. I am letting his depression get me down. What would make me happy is to enjoy my life. Travel the world. Experience things that I like to do and things that I haven't done. Don't get me wrong, I want my M to work out, but I don't want to be miserable because he is not happy.



Trust is still an issue and I am having diffculty in achieving success in this area. I think my first realt turn around in the trust department since my H came home was this morning in not questioning and pushing about last night and not inferring what my mind was making up. I can see how the questioning is troubling to him. I will focus on me.



Yes, I did make dinner. You are right, I should not have "cowarded" and told him that I wished he had called. He did want to follow me when I focused on me. I guess I was trying to make up for lost time and began focusing on him more than myself. I did not do this all the time. For instance, while he watched TV, I kept up with my running which made me feel good about my looks. I went to work and continued to see friends occasionally. I always felt guilty because he doesn't spend time with friends, so I stopped.

That is why I am going out again tonight - I think it is more important and just needed to be reminded that having my OWN life makes me attractive, makes me happy, makes me desireable.

You always know what to say...DU


Peace,
Eric
[/quote]

Any you have not told him WHY? Look hard DU…what is your reason for this? Tactic maybe? Hmmm….


Are you attractive? Based on YOUR definition.


And what are you doing to achieve these things?


Can still be an issue for me too….No magic pill here DU…just straight up work.

Eric, by my definition, no, not at the moment. I didn't tell him about drinks because I plan to be home "just" in time for dinner. No harm here.

I know that I have to refrain from my need and desire to "fix" everything. I will leave him alone. I guess I feel bad. He has gained weight, is lazy, and has resorted to just communicating through a few words. It's frustrating.

Destiny,
Do what you want, but I would have let him know that I was going out for drinks. The reason I am saying this is because it looks like you are "getting back" at him for being out the other night and coming home late. You may not even be aware of how it looks on the other side, but he may think that is what you are doing, i.e., punishing him in a passive/aggressive way.

Also, your expectations for him have to be set at zero at all times. He's still trying to work through a lot of issues and maybe he's just not ready to give 100%. A lot of people get tagged as "lazy", when, in fact, they are depressed. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to read later on that he is suffering from depression. It could be the holidays are triggering sad memories, the weather, the season, etc., we just don't know.

Yes, it is frustrating for you and I understand that, but you do not know what is going through his head and he may not feel "safe" enough to talk to you about it. Destiny, please step back, give him some room to breathe and allow him to come to you when he is ready. If you do not, he just may very well turn to the ow for conversation and comfort...none of us want to see that happen.

Snodderly - Thank you and I did take your advice and called my husband to let him know where I was and when I'd be home. He seemed fine, even happy when I got home.

I know now that I can't fix his depression for him and he needs to do it. It is just hard to watch him struggle sometimes without jumping in, but seeing as this is apparently making it worse, I have backed off and attempting to keep all expectations to 0 and increase the GAL'ng

Tonight I have my Body Pump class - looking forward to a good workout before the holiday.

GAL and IC will help YOU take care of YOU while he's dealing with his depression. The little stuff like him being happy when you get home from drinks with friends is great! Write that down! Little things sometimes have a much BIGGER impact that we realize!!

Have a wonderful holiday!