Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY

Alright, picked out a meeting, going in tonight. Feels good in a way, but I'm somewhat pensive. I read that that's normal when you're new to it. Just going to try and approach it with an open mind.

Does anyone have any advice for my recent developments? I'd really like to talk about some of this if anyone has the time.

What's on your mind ?

Well, I have a lot of confusion about whether or not I'm DB'ing effectively. I try to stick as close as possible to the 37 points and my personal 180s (definitely not trying to pursue her, being careful to avoid words/phrases that would indicate it), but I can't help but feel like I'm being a bit of a doormat. Since we're still living together, it's become rather routine and commonplace for me to do little things she asks for (take plate to kitchen, turn on a fan, pick stuff up from the store while I'm out), and I don't know if that's a problem. OTOH, refusing any of this stuff seems petty. I don't THINK there are any boundaries that need to be there, but I wonder if it really equates being a doormat. I'm not doing any of this stuff in an effort to win her affection, so I guess I'm safe, but I'm just not sure.

As far as conversations go, I generally let her start/initiate most of them, and I try to validate and maintain eye contact (when she's looking at me, anyway). I'll occasionally start conversations so that I'm not simply being aloof, or if I have something weighing on my mind (like my dad's health), but I don't walk in in the evening and strike up a conversation immediately.

I'm not bringing up R talk since the incident a few weeks ago, but what do I do when she starts hinting at D? She won't come out and say it, and so far, I've tried my best to validate her when she talks about why she wants it this way, but I get very uncomfortable when she does this, so my voice is probably weaker than it should be. When do I get a chance to speak my piece? I probably already know that answer (when she's open to it), but this is one area that's really hard, even harder than not telling her that I love her and see how I was wrong for blaming her and her sickness on my actions.

There's also the whole FWB talk we had the other night - what do I do if that ever becomes viable? Is it counter-productive? MWD and a few other posts here on the board seem to take that stance that any chance to ML is one that should be taken. Does that still apply in this context? I certainly like to think it does, but I wouldn't be here if I had that answers! lol

Also, I was wondering if, in anyone else's perception, my sitch is improving, getting worse, or in a holding pattern. I haven't really noticed any new improvements in a while, but stress may be an effective blinder.

Thanks for asking, Mach.

I'm not bashing you here, don't mistake that....

I'm just curious....why ARE you doing this ?

There is/has been a ton of discussion here about being a doormat. I see both sides of it. I think a lot of it plays into what YOU think...

Are you a doormat ?

Do you think you are because your best friend Harold said that you are ?

Wasn't Harold the same guy giving you marital advice, based on his past four marriages, on becoming a better husband ?

Obviously being facetious there. Then again, in a sense, I'm not.

I think you should start by defining YOUR reasons that you are here...

Define why YOU think there are changes that you could make...

Is this really about becoming a better husband only? Or a better person, that could be capable of being a better husband ???

Kudos on the AA meetings....those are for you buddy, Use them well.

Practice your listening skills while you are there, listen and validate. Seek information for you.

DBing isn't all that much of a blanket thing. Solution based means that you stop, look, and listen to what works.


It's NOT a cookie cutter approach to things.

What goals do you have for your meeting ?

What are you hoping to take from them ?

Generally, I'm doing these things because it's convenient and easy. Like I said, not doing these things would more or less just be petty... I think I get what you're saying, though.

I was worried about being a doormat because I read a lot about people doing things for their WAS that they could potentially do themselves, but I guess that's more or less about issues that aren't just day-to-day concerns.

I truly WANT to be a better person that could be a better husband. D is still a very real possibility, and I want to be sure that I don't carry these problems into any future R if it comes to that.



For now, perspective. I know one meeting won't "fix" me, so I intend to listen to the stories of others, and how they dealt with their issues. I don't want my S to grow up seeing a dad that can't control himself and drinks every night to unwind.

I imagine the road to recovery is much the same as the one to reconciliation - long and crowded with challenges.



HOW DO YOU KNOW HAROLD????

We went to different schools together....




Seriously though, we all have our version of Harold, the one that would be sitting beside us in jail, saying " Dude, we Fed up"


They mean well, but not the best people skills mentor we could find.



You have a great outlook on this.

Keep reading and posting, things will appear to you, that you never imagined could appear.

Okay, break out the 2x4s.

I did NOT go to AA last night. In fact, I drank.

I know giving an excuse is weak, but I found out my dad has encephalopathy. Basically, brain damage that may or may not be permanent. I knew I would want a drink, and was afraid of telling W I'd been to AA then came home with some beer. It seemed better to avoid the hypocrisy. Yeah, I know that's supremely stupid. I effed up big time. I'm looking at the list of meetings again for today.

W was pretty upset last night. It seemed to start when I came in and she noticed I had beer with me. It abated for a bit while I told her about my dad's condition. She told me she'd been on the phone with MIL for almost 4 hours today. I asked if everything was okay with her (MIL), she said it was and that it wasn't a bad conversation. In my mind, I'm thinking "then what did you discuss for 4 hours?"

She then told me a bit later that she planned to contact the Pastor I'd been talking to and wanted to set up MC, "so we can say that we've done it." She's expressed this sentiment before. I'm not sure how to take it. On one hand, I'm happy that she's at least willing to go, on the other, I think she's looking for validation in her decision to get a D. Might be positive either way, but I'm scared, quite frankly.

She'd found the card I'd had with the Pastor's information on it. I'd decided not to give it to her after being slapped with the realization that it was an effort to control her. Apparently, S found it and was wandering around with it, which was when she found it. It's now stuck to the refrigerator with a magnet.

I spent a lot of time explicitly validating her statements last night. She made dinner and I complemented it, and she kind of shrugged it off. I told her not to downplay it, that she's a great cook and should be proud of that. I was met with more silence, but her demeanor seemed to shift a bit. Maybe I imagined it.

I re-read Crimson's sitch, particularly the part about their first MC session. I'm hoping mine goes a similar way. I remember reading another thread about someone's experience with MC (can't remember who, I'm afraid) who said that when they had their separate sessions, the MC came back to the LBS and said that WAS wanted a divorce... I'm worried about that happening in my case, and I can't find that thread again to see what else had happened.

So, I know I need to get my @$$ to AA. Is there anything else I should be doing at this point while I wait for her to get everything set up? Any advice on how to handle MC when I get there? I've read other threads with suggestions, but it all seems to melt out of my brain...

I can tell you from my experience that if your W thinks you have a drinking problem then the biggest thing you could do right now is go to an AA meeting. You can find my threads and read up on my sitch...Our whole problem started with the fact that my H had a problem and refused...for years...to address it until I finally was forced to leave him. I felt like my feelings and that of our kids was not important enough to him to do something about it and it damaged our relationship, probabley permanently from what it looks like now.

I dont know what your W is thinking but I know that all I wanted was for my H to acknowledge that there may be a problem and make the effort to find out if he needed the help. That would have been HUGE in my book...and I NEVER would have moved out of our family home...and trust me, I think my H had a far worse problem then you...I lived with a lot of crap because of his drinking for many many years....and when we first went to MC way back when, my H was still drinking..and I remember sitting there thinking what is the point of this...hes drinking so how can anything he says or does right now in MC make any difference..If, when we got to our first appt. my H could have said "no im not drinking..I have x amount of days sober" I would have taken him alot more seriousley.
just my experience...take from it what you wish...but I kinda see where your W is comeing from on that point..once my H walked threw the door with beer in his hand, nothing else he said or did made a bit of difference to me ...I would just shut down.

Take it from someone who's been there, it won't matter what else you do as long as you ignore her on the drinking. Everything that comes out of your mouth will be heard as quacking.

And it's not just getting sober, it's working on your sh!t through AA or some other program.

If you're going to continue to drink, I wouldn't even worry about doing anything else, just drink and enjoy yourself.

I looked back on your thread and saw lots of references to surgeries and other things that might be causing your wife to have "issues" and want to walkaway.

You've had the answer all along.

ITM, la, you're both right. I feel like an @$$hole for doing it. There will always be an excuse to drink if I look for one. That's what I have to learn to deal with.

Those 2x4s hurt, but it's exactly what I need. Thank you.