Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY

Interesting post, tbr... Sometimes the WAS is "forgetful". A lot of what they do is in the moment. If they tell you they love it, it means the love you... right now... and maybe or maybe not later... if the want something, they want it right now... and like you suspect, your W may not remember later or may not want it later because the moment passed...

Anyhow, I wanted to ask you. Could you describe to me, your understanding of tithing? I mean aside from the functional aspect of the money for the parish. What is tithing for, in relation to the person tithing?

Thanks for the perspective, KD. I was afraid of seeming over-eager. At least, on the surface, it seems hard to imagine that my pastor, who'd helped me to such a large revelation, would encourage or validate any thoughts towards divorce.

Would it be appropriate to text her his number, along with a note that I'd forgotten to give it to her when she'd ask? This is somewhat true, when she'd asked about it was not in an environment where I could just hand it to her on a piece of paper.

Tithing is about making God a priority, giving to the local church what is His. It does support the church, but the effect on the person is surrender to and making a priority of God's authority. In short, sacrifice. I would have a much harder time doing it if it was simply supporting the church - my church is doing quite well, financially! lol

Funny, I can post without waiting on mods now, but my previous post has yet to be approved! lol

I had Graves disease myself, I can tell you, she is on a roller coaster and if she does radioactive iodine, it may get a little worse before it gets better.

I recommend you read Ridha Arem's book on thyroid disease (very compassionate) and also read The Five Love Languages by Chapman (which will help you figure out how best to express your love to her).

When I was hyperthyroid, I felt like I was just fine, if all those OTHER people would just quit doing those things that were TICKING ME OFF! Lol. I didn't understand until later that - oh - maybe it was ME and not THEM!

That being said - your drinking sounds like a serious problem and I recommend you get yourself to AA and deal with it. Your W will respect you taking responsibility for that.

Hi kml, thanks for your post.

W is planning to get a high-dose RAI scheduled at her next appt. with the endocrinologist. I've read about what the following period is like... I tried to get her to consider the surgery so the effect would be more immediate, but she didn't like it, and most surgeons are reluctant to do that anyway.

It's funny that you mention Ridha Arem, I got a copy of "The Thyroid Solution" for her for Christmas, but she wasn't too happy about it. I think she doesn't like having the condition focused on, but I did think it was very informative. Wish she'd read it.

She told me the other night that since her physical symptoms were gone, the mental effects were long past. This runs counter to what I heard, in that the physical symptoms show up only when you have extreme amounts of thyroid hormone in your system, and that the mental symptoms are basically always present to some degree until some form of treatment has rendered you to a completely euthyroid state, and even then, there are no guarantees. Am I wrong in this assumption?

The other night, she did acknowledge having a chemical imbalance, however. Mentioned that her focus is really poor and feels like the brain fog might affecting her again. She was talking about getting on adderol to fight it, but I'm concerned about what that could do to her heart. I'm pretty sure the endo will resist giving it to her until she's been treated, anyway.

If you don't mind my asking, what was the course of your treatment? How long did it take you to get to the point where you stopped blaming everyone else? I'm not sure if I can receive a PM, but if you'd rather do it that way, I'd definitely appreciate some insight on what to expect over the coming weeks.

I'm quitting drinking as of today. I'll get into AA if it proves to be a problem, but we've all got to start out somewhere. After she moved back in, I told myself that I'd give myself until my dad was out of the hospital to quit. Well, that was yesterday. Time's up!

Journaling-

I'm trying to not to read into any of the things that she's doing lately, but it's hard to deny that she does seem to be a bit nicer to me.

She's been making statements about things that she used to blame me for being caused by her current condition (notably, loss of focus and creativity, always tired). These are things that seem to tie into her hyperthyroidism, which I've been blatantly trying to avoid discussing. She won't say it's the hyperthyroidism, but does seem to think she needs medication for it.

We were both off on Thursday. We talked for a bit that morning before I went to an orientation at the local dental school to see how their program works and possibly get my teeth fixed.

When I came home, she seemed pretty tired. I was half expecting to have to go and pick my dad up from the hospital, so I told her to go and rest, that I wouldn't bother her until I had to go somewhere.

While she was down, I got a call that he wasn't being released that day, so I took a nap with S.

I had Tai Chi that night, and I took S to my mom so W could have a little more time to rest. I had a good time in class. I made a stop by the grocery store on the way home to get a few things, among them, some chocolate. When I got home, W commented on how I'd heard her psychic request when she saw the chocolate. This seemed to make her pretty happy. W was in a talkative mood, so we talked for a while, then she asked me if I wanted to help her with dinner. I told her I would (before separation, I often offered to help, which she didn't accept). While "help" wasn't much more than washing things she was done with and setting up pots and pans for her to use, we continued to have a rather lively discussion about spirituality. Things seemed to be going pretty well, but some of her comments seemed to be loaded with the idea that she was still unsure about what was going to happen with us. I didn't respond to those, as I didn't want to drive the evening down.

She mentioned feeling depressed and bad about herself. I think this is where I made my mistake of the evening: I told her she wouldn't feel that was if she could see herself through my eyes. While it didn't kill the conversation, it did change the tone of it. I felt pretty uncomfortable afterwards, but tried not to show it.

We talked some more the next morning before she went to work, and it seemed to be pretty good. S was running a fever, and would need to go to the doctor on a sick visit. I also had to be on stand-by to get my dad from the hospital, so I was pretty busy.

I got home a little before she did that afternoon and got S down for a nap after that harrowing trip to the doc (harrowing for him, he hates it there). She came home in a testy mood. She didn't direct any anger at me, but seemed really mad about work, something I've very rarely seen out of her with this particular job. She also complained heavily about some of her family, people I thought she was close to. She wanted to drink, something else that's pretty rare for her. I got pretty nervous, but I internalized it pretty well, I think. I was just tired from the long day (it's amazing how exhausting it is to be at the hospital, even when you're waiting for someone to be discharged). We watched a movie, and there was little talk, but S was running a pretty good fever at this point, that a full dose of tylenol barely made a dent in.

Just trying to maintain that even keel, but despite the good things that happened, I'm still not sure where I'm standing.

As I mentioned above to kml, I'm quitting drinking today. It'll be hard, but I intend to fill that time with exercise. It seems I have to dial in a few more 180s right now.

I've been thinking about my sitch more and more today (I guess that goes for pretty much everyone). A part of W's disorder leaves her exhausted pretty much all of the time. I just wonder if detaching is appropriate right now with her pending treatment, or if I'm just making excuses.

How do I balance detaching with being there at times when she really needs it? Thinking back on this weekend, I did make a pretty big doormat out of myself, but it's habitual to ask if she needs anything when I go out. Since our finances are still in the same bank account, I'm not really using my money to buy things she wants, but normally it's just groceries, anyway.

Am I misunderstanding the purpose of detaching? We're pretty amicable most of the time, there's just no R talk. It's only come up once since she's moved back in, and only hinted at in obtuse ways since then.

Dang, the more I think about this, the more I realize I have no clue what I should be doing. It seemed easier a few days ago.

Bump, in hopes kml is around.

Hey tbr. This board can be slow on the weekends so not sure if kml is around to post.

Just responding about this:



This is pretty much a common and standard answer to tithing.

What's actually interesting is that a lot of people seem to miss part of, and one of the things I feel is a very important aspect of tithing, which is that tithing isn't just about giving...

Tithing also carries with it the understanding that God gives us what we need most. It challenges our faith and it rewards us in kind.

When we love, we receive love. When we give of our time freely, we receive time in return. When we tithe, we will receive wealth. God is abundant and will share that abundance with us, as we have faith in Him.

It sounds like your sitch is moving in a positive direction. It is a slow process. Enjoy the positives but keep the positive changes going.

Detaching isn't about not caring for your W. It is about no longer attaching your emotions to your W's behaviours. Bad OR good.

IOW, if your W says something that feels mean or hurtful, if you are detached, you will understand that she is upset, but you will not own and take on that upset.

And...

If your W is in a great mood, being detached means you can be happy FOR her... but your happiness isn't dependent on her being happy.