Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Bklyn Queen

BM,

Right there with you on both issues here. No advice at all to offer as I'm struggling in the same way. But if it helps, I think I know EXACTLY how you feel.

My H went through a phase of not even being able to stand coming into our house when he came over to see the kids - H would sit out on the verandah wall instead.

Problem was, neighbours and other parents dropping off their kids to play with our kids would see him and start up convos and H didn't like this either - they don't know he's walked out and so it made it look like he was still here!

The thing I dread most is all the gossipy parents at my kids two hi-falutin' schools finding out that we are 'separated'.
Very few parents in my kids' years are divorced or separated and those kids who are in this sitch are pretty much 'tagged' as different.

Also struggle with the idea of what to say. I baulk at the idea of 'we have separated'. This is so not how I experience it. My H walked out on us.

And we were always together as parents for our kids - going to every school event as a twosome. My H's work-at-home job allowed him to attend things that most dad's could not, as did my job, so we were a regular pair on the school circuit.

I think all the other parents would be flabbergasted to find out we are not together, and this will fuel speculation as to what happened and why. And I am considerably older that my H as well, so they can all make jokes about that!

Another big learning experience for me I suppose.....

So, if it's any help at all, I'm right here for you!

kolja - OMG! Thank you so much for saying that. You may be right. He has complained that his apt. is a white box. My apt. definitely has a home vibe. I am going to work on making this apt. even more warm since you said that.

Rick - I was wanting the Pats to pull through so bad. My H will now be even more depressed. 4 yrs ago when things were great between us I was afraid to talk to him for 2 weeks, I thought he was always about to cry. H takes it especially hard since he is the lone Pats fan in NY amongst his friends and his friends are definitely gonna ride him a little. H is very sensitive especially about football.

So glad I didnt go to the superbowl party tonight and have to deal with my crazy and obnoxious Giant fan friends. Its so weird cause for support I feel like I have told the right number of people. But I just rarely see the people I've talked to about this. None of my good friends live near me.

CO, Purg, BF - thanks for the love. I am gonna take it easy on myself Tired of worried about what the neighbors dont know. Let 'em wonder. I dont have to say a thing if I dont wanna. (Thats my attitude for now)

Rick - Wish I could handle having a real bf right now or at least a "friend". I should at least enjoy the benefits of being separated?!

I wanted to thank you for writing this because I think it really relates to my sitch, too.

I'm curious, what was the outcome with your father?

Bklyn,

I just wanted to drop by and show my support and send you ((hugs)). So sorry you're going through a low right now, but it is okay. Use the time to let go of the negative feelings and you'll soon find new strength to go forward. We are expected to carry all the load and be strong, but we can only do it for long. Every now and then we need to take the load off and take a break, then put it back up and keep going. You are a strong person and I look up to you for your strength and determination. Hang in there!

Brklyn - as much as I think your H is lost, completely lost, I do sympathize with him regarding the crush of losing to the G's again! I hardly slept last night.

I feel like you do about telling people about the sitch. Even though you or I are not the one's who walked out, and are the one's valiently trying to save a M and family, it still is embarrasing to speak of it publically. Only a few of my close friends know anything, and in some cases where I discuss this with family, I wish to god I hadn't. It's not wrong to take time to hide out and lick your wounds. When the time is right you may feel more comfortable with this and in the meantime thank god you have these two beautiful girls to share your life. But, I do get the unease you feel. There's no question that many people judge you by seeing you separated or D, and where my youngest is older than your girls I see the stigma that is attacheed to this as people in town and school hear about us.

As far as really looking at the concept of someone else, and whether someone else will be enough of a shock to your H to remind him of your value, be very careful. In my moments of despair I try telling myself that I deserve to be loved again fully like I should, etc. And when I was suggesting it to you I was saying it out of a protective feeling for you, just like my friends will do for me. But, is it right, maybe at some point it is, but I don't know.

I can tell you that when someone else is interested you may feel incredibly uncomfortable with it. One of my lifelong friends who thought he knew how to help me invited me to a restaurant and secretly brought a girl along to "fix me up with". It was so incredibly creepy. God I hated it, and I was pretty mad at him for it, but could see the humor in the sitch. He was trying to help, but Jesus don't ever, ever do that again! I still shudder thinking about it, and truth be told, this girl was probably very nice in every way.

I also had a lifelong super close girl friend (a friend who is a girl I mean) and my partner is a novel, and other artistic pursuits throw me a curveball and express a new kind of interest. Again, we as the one partner standing for the M have to be very careful about what we do, even though our spouses get to do whatever they want. Just think of the consequences for them though, what they may have to live with forever.

Food for thought though. One of my friends, who is a LBS, stood by his wife for years and she never came back towards him. He recently decided to open the door to a new relationship and he says he's never been happier. It's such a tough path you and I are walking. Deciding whether we can provide unconditional love, and whether that mean forever? What is selfish when we need love? What do we do to set an example for our kids? Do we show then how to stand by your partner, or do it for them regardless of ou life quality? Do we show them that we deserve to be happy and move on? Do we show them that we love our spouses and want it to work, but have the self respect to say, fine I understand your sitch but I deserve happiness too?

I don't know for sure Brklyn.

Hey Bklyn...just dropping a line to lend my support..I know its hard, i guess we all do. I noticed that you mentioned Al anon..I hope you are finding the same support and comfort there that I am. They have been the biggest help to me so far in all of this.. and this board.

thinken of you..:)

(((((((((BM)))))))))


I am so sorry to hear that you have had a rough few days. You were so good to me when I was down as well...

Everything you write about and feel - it feels like I could have written it.

Some days I feel like I can make it. Others, I feel like I have failed in everything. Please, please look at your daughters. See how amazing they are - and remind yourself that YOU are the reason they are this way. YOU are giving them the love and stability they need to be these amazing little creatures.

And you are doing it on your own! I KNOW how hard it is - starting with even getting out of the house with the kids. To smile and be upbeat and be present when all you can think of is "how could he walk away from this? Why do I have to do this all alone? I didn't sign up for this. Our little angels don't deserve this, etc"

And you don't complain. You just do it. You just act as if, even though you are dying inside. Well, look at how strong you are for doing it!!! Your H can't see it now, but YOU can. So please remember that and GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK!

As for the neighbors or others knowing your sitch. I have been there too. Heck, it's been over a year for me and I still cannot face some people I know. And you know what? That is ok. If you are not ready, you are not. When it's time, you will know.

In my case, some people are starting to find out on their own thru others. At first I felt terrible - like people were gossiping or maybe judging me. But they are not. On the contrary - it's amazing how many people genuinely care and empathize.

When I am down, I have also felt tempted like you to pack the rest of his stuff, but I have resisted. Don't want to do something that I know I will later regret.

As for the limbo - that is horrible. I am also struggling with that and when I am down, I also feel like I won't be able to continue living like this for long; but then when I feel better, I realize I can continue to keep standing FOR NOW.

I know there might be a day when I might not. But I won't pay attention to those thoughts until they come from a peaceful me. I don't want to give up when I am down, sad or depressed. I want to make sure I am ready. I am currently not, and it doesn't sound like you are either.

So remember that cycling between feeling ok and getting completely down on yourself is normal in our sitch. You know that the down moments get shorter and your recovery time as well. Hang in there and reach out to your support system (here and in your daily life) whenever you are there - like right now! You know how good it feels to come here and feel loved and supported.

YOU ARE AN AMAZING WOMAN - how can you remember that? By the example you are setting for your daughters - it will not go unnoticed - BY THEM. As for H, he might or might not realize it - HIS LOSS!!!

I wanted to share a thought I found in one of the archive threads from a vet. I honestly don't remember who wrote it - I have read so much recently...

But it hit me so hard when I read it, I cried. It's so powerful and hard and true and inspiring, all at the same time.

I read it EVERY DAY, and specially when I get sad or in a negative space.

Hope it helps you too.

GOD GIVES US EXACTLY THE PROBLEMS WE NEED.............TO FIX OURSELVES.

((((((hugs))))))

I just remembered who wrote that quote - Mach1.
(I like to give credit where credit is due

thank you Mach1!