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All very very positive signs. Definitely buy some nice sleep wear.

"We are the best family ever" This is working. Stick with the program. He wants to be with you, he wants to be a family. He needs time to trust that the changes are real but he is moving closer.

Also you wrote the other day about getting a dog. From my experience our cats were the first thing my H freaked out about. After his ILYBNILWY speech he could not stand our 2 cats. If they tried to sit on his lap, he would throw the cat half way across the room. They used to be his best little buddies but once he was angry he took it all out on them.

You are doing great! Show him the new NHmom everyday!

"We are the best family ever" just melted my heart. :-)

nh, I started wearing different clothes to bed recently. Nothing overtly sexy, but things that did make me feel sexy. I needed that for my self esteem at that moment. My H commented on it the 2nd night I wore something like that. I think he could tell there was something different about me.

Soon, he was back in our bed and we were intimate. No ML yet though. I'm also just enjoying those moments. No reading into why or what's next.

Thanks, I really do see these little things as positive, but sometimes they seem so far and few in between that it's hard to keep a good outlook on things. I just need to take a deep breath and keep telling myself: "baby steps".

I've been thinking some 180's:

1) Don't question H about his whereabouts.

Even if he's coming home late, I don't ask why. I'm also trying not to get upset about it. It's very easy for me to get upset over something silly, even if I get over it 5 seconds later, but I know that "flipping out" left some negative marks with H. I think I've been doing pretty good at this 180. I just "let him be", even if it seems to upset me, but I don't let him know.

2) Smile more.

Not that I don't smile. I like to smile, but I can't walk around with a smile all day long. I need to make my "neutral" face appear more positive. H used to say and think that I was mad about something all the time. I'd reassure him that I wasn't, maybe I'd be deep in thought or something. But now that my S4 thinks I look mad even though I'm not, there must be seriously something wrong with my face. I need to smile more, especially when H comes home. Even if he doesn't look at me, I think he will sense a happier greeting if I smiled.

3) "Act as if" I'm happy.

This one is easier said than done. How can somebody "act" happy? Well, if I sense unhappy thoughts creeping up, I need to redirect my thoughts to things that do make me happy - my S4 is the best example.

4) Detach (aka grow a thicker skin)

While I think that I've made some good progress in detaching, I feel like reacting from time to time. I still let things bother me. I need to get better at brushing them off, but I understand that some feelings do need to be validated first, and then I need to get over them.

Quote of the day: "If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today" (taken from someone's thread a couple of months ago)

Way to go nhmom

ML must be wonderful.

Next time, I think you should ask him for a back rub too.

I really do.

You don't want him thinking you're at his beck and call and fawning over him. Besides, you deserve it!!!!! :p

nh, I started wearing different clothes to bed recently. Nothing overtly sexy, but things that did make me feel sexy. I needed that for my self esteem at that moment.

Same here! Every morning he comes over I'm still wearing a cute/sexy pj dress. He doesn't say anything but at least I feel more attractive.

Journaling:

Yesterday started being a good day. I was truly humbled by people...strangers...how nice people can be where I live. Within 5 minutes of each other three people literally jumped out of their way to hold the door open for me. I got cookies from someone else as a "thank you" and some chocolate dropped off at work from an "older" guy...he always seems to drop off chocolate on my desk.

By the end of the day my energy level was low and I started to feel down. Tired of everything that's been going on. Tired of H and his shananigans.

I didn't feel like cooking. I was tired, both mentally and physically. Why do I have to do EVERYTHING? Well, even if H didn't live at home, I'd still have to do it for S4. So I started cooking. H finally shows up and the first thing out of his mouth are "Hey. What's for dinner?" I feel like I'm his mother. I just wanted to snap, but only did "half a snap". I just said "food". A few minutes later he came back to the kitchen and tried to do some small talk. I was calmer by then and answered when asked.

H then asked what's for dinner the next night. I told him that I was going out, so he can eat whatever he wants. He started questioning me with where, with whom, etc. I was vague at first, but he kept asking. I'm going out to dinner with a meet-up group..I think about 10-12 girls, so I'm really looking forward to it.

For the past 2 nights H has commented about dinner, that he liked it. I didn't say anything, but in my head was thinking that he won't have anyone cooking for him when he moves out.

While eating dinner last night he felt that he needed to act immature. He was drinking water and felt that it would be funny if he sprayed me in the face. I took a deep breath, then did the same back. Yes, it feels like I'm married to a teenager.

This morning he was complaining how he hurt all over. Hmm, I guess we're not 20 anymore, are we?

I'm doing what I can to stay calm, try to put a smile on my face when H walks through the door (even though I feel like giving him a kick in the butt). I'm tired of the flip flopping. One day he sleeps in bed, the next day he's on the couch. One moment he's grumpy and distant, another time he's friendly and chatty. Sometimes he says 'hi' or 'bye', but usually he doesn't. Sometimes he tries to be funny (ok, that's stretching it a little) and other times he won't look at me, let alone in my eyes.

I miss the love and affection. I miss the hugs. I miss him saying that I'm beautiful and that I'm the only one for him. The more time passes by, the more it seems to become a distant memory. I start questioning why I should put up with it. I want to be appreciated. I want to be loved. I want someone to want to grow old with me.

H seems upset me about telling him that I am planning on going out tonight. Here's an email exchange from this morning:

H: When were you going to tell me you were going out tonight? Not that I care in the least but when were you going to tell me? (ouch, not care "in the least")
M: I was going to tell you last night. I wanted to before, but didn’t feel like there was a good time.
H:What do you mean there wasn’t a good time. How hard is it to tell me?
M:You’re right, it shouldn’t be hard. I just didn’t know what kind of mood you’d be in. (I should have left the second part out)
H: Whatever. Not buying that.

H can come home at whatever time he wants to, goes out if he feels like it without telling me anything...and I don't ask. And now that I made plans to go out, I should feel bad about waiting until the night before to tell him? Who does he think he is? I even lined up MIL as backup sitter in case H made plans, but I didn't tell him. Don't want him to think that I was going behind his back and not consulting with him first. Well, I know what kind of mood he'll be in tonight. Good thing I won't have to be around him for too long.

You did a great job responding to his texts. Looks like he is just trying to start a fight with you and you didnt take the bait. Nice job.

Make a nice dinner, turn on some nice music and ignore Mr. Grumpy

H: When were you going to tell me you were going out tonight? Not that I care in the least but when were you going to tell me? (ouch, not care "in the least")

someone obviously does care if he's bringing it up and getting upset. thought you would be sitting at home pining? someone thought wrong!!! good on you!!

H is really testing me and I'm trying sooooo hard to keep my mouth shut.

H emailed a few minutes ago: Would you have a problem if I went to Mohegan Sun with some people next weekend? (a casino a couple of states away)

I took a few minutes and a deep breath, then replied "no".

He writes back "ok", but then sends another email "You hate that idea don’t you?".

I haven't responded back. Truth? Yes, I hate the idea. I don't know who he's going with, and I'm not going to ask. I don't know if OW is going (I saw he texted her a few days ago...they work together and see and talk to each other every day, so the text was outside of work hours). I don't know how much money he's going to spend. I don't know anything. And I know not to ask anything. It stinks. And I really wish we could go together.

I know I can only control my own actions and he's going to do whatever he wants anyway, whether it's at some casino or here. It still stinks.

So what am I supposed to say? "Sounds like fun. Have a great time!" ???